Me anytime someone uses my real name in front of an old derby teammate

Played in minor chords, with a sadly dancing Six Flags mascot.

I should have known the team member that didn't work out at work wasn't going to work out when she lauded the coaching style of *checks notes*... Mike McDaniel?

Lenny Bruce is trying to beat his way out of the box right now.

So how are all my former gifted and talented kids who used to read several books a day and now rot their faculties doomscrolling while ignoring a TV show doing tonight

Why do the ads for seasonal releases at Jeni’s Ice Cream all look like posters for an upcoming A24 film?

This is the laugh I desperately needed.

🥲 geaux damn tigahs 💛💜🐯

No, that's just the inevitable blackface photos that will get unearthed for Noem, Levitt, McMahon, etc. It's probably confusing for the man who escaped his nursing home.

People are so excited that we might be on the verge of civil war. I’m not. I’m a basic bitch who likes basic things like pumpkin spice lattes and not getting shot at in the grocery store.

Me being big mad that I don't trust any of the numbers, WHY CAN'T WE BE A PROPER NORMAL COUNTRY.

I’m sorry but the parents in the Jurassic Park universe are irresponsible

You will have to pry my em dashes from my cold, dead hands.

I remember this fucking up my sorority convention experience because the Ohio ladies were so big mad at me for being a Miami gal and a Heat fan 😂😭

Just like the photo at the end of each episode of ANTM 😌

it’s even more demoralizing when the history you’re repeating is history you were around for the first time

"'If a certain state, as an example, gets hit by a hurricane or tonight, that’s what the governor — you know, the governor should be able to handle it,' Trump said. 'And frankly, if they can’t handle it the aftermath, then maybe they shouldn’t be governor.'"

The only thing sad about Simone Biles standing up for trans athletes is the fact that, with just two tweets, she’s shown more integrity and leadership on this issue than most House Democrats.

I'm just glad one of these men has the nuclear codes and the other has all our personal data.

why not decommission it the usual way: launching it into a million pieces over protected wetlands

This is so embarrassing, I cannot walk around Denver today.

happy pride #booksky!! if you want a transfem read in june, consider ONE OF THE BOYS, my debut YA about a football player named grace! by several objective measures - NYT bestseller, 3 starred reviews, a 4.5 rating on goodreads and storygraph - it is Quite Good! read it imo!!!!!!!

Loving every bit of One of the Boys so far. The FIU shoutout was even more of a treat. @dirtbagqueer.rocks you are a DELIGHTFUL author!

Atlantic #HurricaneSeason begins today, June 1. Since records began, the continental U.S. has experienced four Category 5 hurricane landfalls, and ALL four of them were only tropical storms just three days prior! Rapid intensification is terrifying when it occurs right before landfall.

Part of what makes The Simpsons a once-in-a-generation phenomenon is the convergence of so many unique talents. A Simpsons without Alf Clausen is a Simpsons without the Stonecutters song, the Planet of the Apes musical, Checkin' In, See My Vest, Springfield! Springfield!, and so much more.

Oh lookie here at what arrived today! And I got a beautiful signed copy of @dirtbagqueer.rocks 's debut novel. It will be cherished. @talkingleavesbooks.bsky.social is the best! #buylocal

My elementary school to junior high years could defined by Toonami on Cartoon Network My high school to college years could be defined by the ESPN block of HQ/ATH/PTI

The ancestors are pleased 😌

What a goal, Reilly!

My 13 year old pup Frieda got diagnosed with cancer today, so now I'm going to drown my sorrows in Pizza Hut and hockey. I'll still work out tomorrow and probably regret the cheat meal but for now, I'm just going to hug her and carb load.

This is bullshit, Christine has the best vocals (a hill I will die on.).

Went to watch #Thunderbolts* tonight - loved it, except right at the emotional denouement of the whole thing, a man in the back row of the theater let out the MOST ABSURD sneeze, like Larry David-esque, followed by some lady scream-whispering "bless you." Still 2 thumbs up!

*slowly packs up all the Heat things I own* 😭

Happy Perfect Date to all who observe. Grab that light jacket and go have some fun.

I just got off a plane, don't even like golf but desperately trying to catch up on what's going on with Rory.

Arson at the most prominent Jewish US governor's mansion on Passover while Marco Rubio and ICE are checking visa holders' social media for "antisemitism"

Geez these always bring a tear to my eye

I am CRYING LAUGHING at Richard Kind as Gene Simmons. @mulaney.bsky.social

This man is so bad for Texas sports that Oklahoma should give him an honorary degree

Judy gemstone is one of the most important characters in the western canon

I graduated college in 2008, and there were no entry level jobs to be found. I went to grad school instead. It took me 7 years to earn a wage that didn't involve pay reductions and furlough days without pay. And I'm lucky - I got a job in my field. I wasn't underemployed.

“A penguin came up to me, big penguin, strong penguin, tears running down his flippers and he came up to me and he said ‘sir, thank you sir, my fellow penguins, they’ve been taking advantage of you sir, in ways that nobody has ever seen, sir.’ The free ride for flightless birds is over!”

it's important that today we put our differences aside to come together and say eat shit Strom Thurmond you desiccated corpse

Alysa Liu's skate made me cry my own tears. What a program!

@ditzkoff.bsky.social From now on in every White House Chat:

"There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient." - Lady Catherine de Bourgh