Parasocial relationships with celebs are for such looooosers but Nicole Kidman if you can hear my words along the wind, know I’ll always be here for you 🍂 💨

Another stunningly dreadful performance in FPL by me

Yes, Tony Blair is famously bored of peace

Hot tip for if you want to feel deeply ill within your very soul: see how much money you're spending every month 'picking up a few bits' at your local

João Palhinha

The ‘we still believe’ version of Three Lions is not canon 😡 #totp

SOCIAL MEDIA 2: POST HARDER

Tina Arena sounds like a Wonky Donkey answer #totp

Matt Lucas and David Walliams whenever they hear of a project with fatphobia in it #totp

Putting the lamps on at 5pm

I know Fairy Liquid Max Power is more cost-effective and saves more washing up liquid in the long run, but I like the regular washing up liquid bottles where it comes out really fast and this is why I will never be able to afford property

"What's all this messing about? I hired you three to paint my crown mouldings!!!"

Sorry, but these things should be the other way round

Fair play to Kimmel, that monologue pretty much checked all the boxes

we put the radiator on

Haha if you guys think Simon Cowell's got a weird clap just wait until you find out about the way he shaped the entire nation's psyche into a state of perpetual circus cruelty in the 2000s!

First Slice Of Orange Suggests Eating Rest Of Orange Gonna Be Real Fucking Slog

Hey if The Rapture really is coming I hope it plays House of Jealous Lovers [joke specifically for the ‘00s indie crowd]

Autumn equinox: oh hi I'm here now Spiders:

Important: there is a pub in Holborn where a cat wears a ruff. His name is The General

Good, glad we’ve finally got confirmation of that

I just think it's so great that there's now a film called Steve

Keep thinking about this bit from @garbageday.email. "The American right wing finally gets to be the victims they’ve always seen themselves as."

My Duolingo owl app logo is just crying now for no discernible reason, I can’t live like this, I have real people in my actual life to disappoint

Can the lottery only email me if it has given me a life-changing amount of lottery money please

Tbh I did not realize that gif was Robert Redford.

no damn ai chat bot could ever type "hi, please see attached, thanks!" into an email with the same endearing joie de vivre that i put into it every single time

September is the month when people dress for the weather they wish it would be, rather than the weather it actually is.

Always sad when a big celeb dies that doesn't have a Controversies section on Wikipedia

All digital jobs now require having to be the Steven Spielberg of TikTok

Not saying it was a particularly rough week on the ol' FPL but I have had my team screengrabbed and laughed at in one of my group chats

I’m hyperventilating

Fascinated by how normal terrestrial news is going to sum up this much Extremely Online stuff

Walked past David Walliams en route to the zoo this morning. He was on the phone and the only snippet of convo we caught was ‘those right wing wankers’. Make of that what you will

It’s twice now Starmer has said something about protecting free speech interspersed with 100s arrested opposing genocide, it’s so painful to see how desperate this guy is for the fash to welcome and accept him, it’s pathetic

Blessed to have literally never heard of that man until now tbqph

Really, Google Gemini can do everything? Then let's see it fuck off

CMAT *should* win this but Fontaines prob will

Extremely correct for JADE to have 5 entries in this

Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/

Just realised Harry Kane's goal celebration jump is very similar to Super Mario's

Always nice to see Anthony Gordon

Sure, bowls and plates and mugs are great, but bowls and plates and mugs with little speckles on??? 👌👌👌👌

8th September

Massive Monday: dad has adopted me a donkey which comes with a framed photo

let's bitch about Threads on Bluesky