Your cat when you're choking to death in your apartment

Do it. Let’s see how that pans out in the long term.

Mike Johnson is no American.

Spanberger and Sherrill were Capitol Hill roommates in 2018. Now they're both Governors almost 8 years later.

I’m a gun owner who believes in strict gun regulation. However, pistol braces do not make shooting faster or deadlier. They were originally designed specifically for disabled veteran target shooters and allow you to only need one arm/hand to fire accurately. They’re not bump stocks.

oh my god they actually did it lmao

This is going to be Josh Shapiro’s actual biggest problem in the 2028 primary. The Israel stuff is one thing but he could thread the needle. The issue’s that his vocal tone is just so clearly mimicked from Obama. If he hasn’t spent years trying to perfect his Obama, that sure is unfortunate for him.

this looks like a trick daffy duck would put up to get bugs bunny into "the oval office"

Wow it turns out the entire country is not permanently reactionary because Trump won an election by 1.5%

i wanted to be mayor. i would have run for mayor if i knew there was going to be an election. do another one

We did it for you Dick Cheney

If you’re still in line, STAY IN LINE

there was a time i never thought i could hate a politician more than i hated that guy. in retrospect, very naive of me

If you aren’t subscribing to the paper version of The Onion, you don’t know what you’re missing. The hit rate on the paper articles, listicles, infographics, and ads in the paper version is 100%. I even let my 11 year old son read it despite potential content issues cuz he also thinks it’s great.

I want to see Mamdani win in NYC tomorrow for a lot of reasons, but one of them is absolutely to watch Bill Ackman crash out

This is a man who changed his birth name from Mark Wayne to Markwayne. You simply can’t compete with that level of pandering stupidity. You’ll never win because he’s playing a different game.

Venezuelan oil is expensive, dirty bullshit, and the US is already energy independent. We’re there because Trump wants to attack someone and Rubio would love to depose the Venezuelan government. That government does deserve to be taken down, but don’t listen to nonsense explanations.

On the other site, an 18-year-old Zohran canvasser described the legendary Wallace Shawn as "the actor who plays Dr. Sturgis on Young Sheldon" which is honestly adorable

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." This James Baldwin quote is hitting harder than ever.

I got the flu and COVID boosters on Friday and my arm is still stiff and sore. Had a bit of a fever yesterday. But it’s better than getting either of the illnesses! This is how my body usually reacts to those boosters every year.

After the AI bubble I hope the next bubble is Laser Tag. Laser tag arenas on every street corner. Blacklight lit battlefields propping up every sector of the economy. A one story building by the side of the highway called “Blast Zone: Pizza & Arcade” valued at $2.7 trillion

My congratulations to all Baseball Perverts. It was their "super bowl" last night and it seems they all had a very bad time (in their culture that's how you have a good time)

On the left, the refurbished Lincoln bathroom. On the right, picture I took in Saddam Hussein's palace in Basra in 2005.

Feel like, as a society, we might consider moving Halloween to the last Friday in October (observed.) Vibes truly immaculate tonight.

Welch: "This has nothing to do with the shutdown. The law requires and the funds are available to continue SNAP right now without any interruption. So that is a decision the president is making on his own to allow people to go hungry."

New incredible detail here: ICE says a match in its facial recognition app Mobile Fortify is a "definitive" determination of a person's status, and that this overrides birth certificates. This is an app ICE is using in the field to scan people www.404media.co/ice-and-cbp-...

Exciting cross cultural events are happening at walmart

For all of the bluster from these ghouls about Biden, this is ACTUAL elder abuse.

it's crazy that if you're a cat, your only two life outcomes are eating out of a trash can or getting treated like a little baby

200 billion dollar valuation btw💀💀💀

He’s designing the ballroom with AI isn’t he www.nytimes.com/interactive/...

If you see a parent stealing baby formula these next few weeks, you better turn around and shut ya mouth

A journalist would have found out if it was true. A reporter would just state what both sides said, something that even the most basic of AI news agents can do. Why are news outlets refusing to do journalism? Do they think that if they ignore it they will get to keep their reporting jobs?

If I may dril for a moment, you absolutely do not have to give Trump “credit” for anything, ever. The saying does not go “even a broken clock hires its own gestapo”

Have you considered that Republican elected officials genuinely despise their constituents, Jean? And that their constituents are generally despicable too?

seems bad that everyone i know is really tired. like even the cis and straight people who have good jobs. shit feels like it's gonna give and i don't like it.

Almost every major news story this week is about how the entire economy is now gambling, scams, bribes and theft.

This makes me feel physically ill.

What a worthless sack of shit Weiss has turned out to be. Just the most blatant and obvious of white (and don’t let her tell you otherwise) privileged up-failure. CBS News is a cesspit unworthy of reporting in this country.

If I ever got to travel back in time, my plan would be to carry around a little notebook to look at all the time, because I’ll miss my phone so much.

trump is demolishing our national symbols and selling the country for scrap to his corrupt donors

Not to be cringe, but I'm surprised I am emotional seeing the East Wing demolition. My first job in DC was interning and going to meetings there regularly. I learned everything about it while giving guided tours. The beauty of the East Wing is that everyone can go there. It's America's house.

We’ve updated our story with an additional comment provided by the United States Justice Department.

Feel strongly there are some GRU guys taping up the White House demolition photos on their cubicles