With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars. We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director. Please stand by for more.

ICE shot a man today in California. "Lyons said as ICE officers approached the car, "the wanted gang member weaponized his vehicle in an attempt to run an officer over.' The ICE agents fired at Mendoza Hernandez..." Every time ICE has made this claim, it's been a lie.

I politely asked the gate attendant if it says “on time” because they legally have to give me a refund if a domestic flight is 3 hours late and they just smiled at me all guilty like. Brb working on getting the refund

Love that my flight says “on time” but also has the original time crossed out with a new time 3 hours later. Is this the new normal? is this on time?

My partner and I decided the states are no longer safe for them. I just dropped them and our dog off at the airport. I am not okay. Fuck trump. fuck the republicans. fuck ice. fuck the lukewarm democrats who have always supported this fascist agenda. fuck this godforsaken hellhole of a country

the day he dies is going to hit so good

The Defense Minister of Israel says it was "blood libel" to go after Israeli soldiers caught on camera raping a Palestinian.

You: “Obama Spice” Me: “Little Orphan Obama”

Spent years building my credit to be in the excellent range only for a 15 minute hospital visit (with no help from the doctors) to ruin it all. what’s the fucking point anymore?

So according to the WSJ a US Senator conspired with another country to manipulate the US into starting a war, am I getting this right

The dumbass corporate suits rolled up to my workplace & slapped concert lights on the roof of the 18th floor just to host their own DJ parties and guess what? After just two events, the FAA showed up & gave them a $10,000 fine for distracting pilots. Guess 15 pilots made complaints in just 2 days

Episode 2 out now!

still not over this

my bank just put me on hold and there’s no music but there is an ai voice spewing imperialist propaganda about Iran!!!

I’ll never forgive ai for taking the em dash from me

This is going to be bad

Last time I bought anything from Amazon was in 2018. Might be my only good decision

randomly got offered a job injecting pigs with marijuana but it’s the animal kind 💔 not doing it

I have a lot of Trump supporters very mad at me

inject me with the drugs they gave Trump and at a 500% discount

let me know when it’s the State of the Mortuary

ugh I hate living in the United Pedophiles of America 🇺🇸

This doesn't seem worth having a Discord account

fuck them tariffs but you know prices aren’t going down and their margins are going up

Every news story is now “State Senator Randy Pervert (R-Springfield) was indicted on 8 counts of lewd behavior with a child under 12 and has been put on paid leave from his two jobs as Border Patrol liaison and youth pastor at First Presbyterian (PCA) where parishioners say they were ‘blindsided.’”

I had sex today. Finally, I am somebody

Something tells me this board is going to end human life on this planet

they got him on his birthday. maybe our lucky day in the states is going to be on June 14th

I’m kinda sick of this whole guilty until proven wealthy thing

thankful I never had kids and never will. I love them too much to do that shit

I broke my arm but remembered the Dow and my arm instantly healed and got buff and money manifested into my pocket and I bought a house and that house quadrupled in size and I sold it for 30 bazillion dollars and

It drives me insane that Elon Musk basically did a Holodomor on the third world and it's not treated like a bigger deal. This should be the number one thing that people know him for. This should be in the first paragraph of his Wikipedia entry. This is a history book scale atrocity.

"Kordia has been held at the Prairieland detention facility in Texas since then, despite a judge twice ruling that she poses no threat and may be released on bond." www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026...

CCTV footage appears to show DHS agents posing as people having car trouble in order to lure a target out of his house before arresting them. The target comes out and starts helping them before 3 vehicles surround the scene. The car "experiencing" trouble then drives off with them.

“sorry we thought you were Palestinian”

‘Imprison all women’ may sound outrageous. But all of the horrors that are routine today started out as some ghoulish guy being allowed to say stuff like this without being beaten with hammers.

I’m starting to think Epstein might be in the Trump files

ZionistSky sucks

just ordered a new birth certificate and the Recorder Office asked for my astrological sign as a way to prove my identity

*extremely Not a Fed voice* "My internal ICE sources..." I need everyone telling us we owed Will Stancil an apology to tender their own apologies for being gullible dumbasses, tia

fuck it. ping pong movie 50x speed

It's very nice of Charlie Kirk to not be criticizing the halftime show, he really has mellowed out a lot after identifying as a squirt enthusiast. Other right-wing influencers should follow his example

We've shut down the busiest pedestrian intersection in Naarm/Melbourne because our government invited a genocidal war criminal to our country

Bad Bunny at 31 vs Charlie Kirk at 31

i have been thinking about this nonstop after i saw it for the first time last night. this is an immaculately crafted joke. maybe the best joke ive ever seen

Kid Rock hands a Grammy to a young Jeffrey Epstein.

heads up to the american news media: I do not care what racists thought of the super bowl halftime show