“Not Like Us,” Kendrick Lamar

Jimmy Kimmel’s show had 6.3M viewers last night. Most-watched regular episode ever, despite not being shown in some major U.S. cities.

ME: You want to see a dead body? HAMBURGER HELPER GLOVE: sure

*wet fart sounds*

same

Make a porn wholesome: Caligula Teaches Math

What is with ScarJo and movies with a weirdly flippant use of the Holocaust

Just read a synopsis of Eleanor the Great (ScarJo’s directorial debut), and FUUUUUCK NO

"Thank god it landed in that crowded kindergarten playground"

I don't call everyone who disagrees with me a Nazi, just the Nazis

Autism as a stand-alone diagnosis predates acetaminophen by 44 years. If they can't even bother to do basic math, they can't be trusted to do the more complex science.

when imperial fighter pilots have a race it always ends in a TIE

“Let me see your driver’s license” Fuck off, Kendra Licari

My unpopular take is that it's weird to not realize that the movement in youth to get rid of sex scenes is also a fascist movement to stigmatize sexuality and kinks outside of the realm of heteronormativity.

Pardoned J6er Wearing Auschwitz T-Shirt Arrested for Assault with Dogs

The right keeps comparing Roseanne’s firing to Kimmel’s suspension. Kind of important to remember what Roseanne actually said that got her fired. She called a Black woman an ape!

BREAKING NEWS: TYLENOL RESEARCHERS FIND DISTURBING LINK BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN

I don’t want anyone getting shot, but you can’t have ICE run around like the Keystone Black Ops Squad without consequence and not think the seams would tear

that path has already been chosen. do you want to fucking win or do you want to be crushed

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY I WANNA RIDE IT LIKE YOUR MOM

When a judge cums? Call that honorable discharge

WORKIN ON MY NIGHT TRAINS

Uber app showed me a deal a couple days ago: 5% off Look, just spit in my face and be done with it

There are so many hotties at this Charlie Kirk memorial

Watching a clip of INXS, realizing that they answered the question “What if a band with the prettiest Australian man possibly ever dropped some bangers?”

People whenever they meet me:

MSNBC: Pelosi seemed to relish the fight with Trump; do you? HAKEEM JEFFRIES: On Saturday, Leader Schumer and I sent a letter laying out our position very clearly ...

I took Tylenol today, and now I can see calculus floating in front of my face

Imagine all the firepower in your arsenal against Trump, and this is what you use

Wife’s car is in the shop, and it should have been done by now, but Mazda keeps sending the wrong taillight to the shop

I'm a sinner I'm a saint I'll kick you in the taint

Yup

Pritzker: "One of the reasons Trump wants to send troops into cities is bc he wants to be able to take control of the 2026 elections...if they've got troops in cities, & it becomes a kind of norm for people, then it won't be abnormal for them when they're going to vote having troops at ballot boxes"

My mom gets to dodge this fuckin question

Is Trump still bragging/complaining to the UN?

Breaking down in tears at the McDonald's drive through when the man switched my 2 Mcdoubles to 2 double cheeseburgers because they are buy one get one for $1, and I'm just not used to being loved like this.

Pinnacle of evolution thus far, and we still have just three small holes in our face that, if you cover them all for five minutes, you die

You legally have to tell me

Disney adults canceling subscriptions, vacations, etc really are making the Harry Potter adults that threw a fit over a $60 video game look like huge bitches

The Leftovers (2014-2017)

My mom took Tylenol when she was pregnant, which should surprise no one who’s ever spoken to me

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Quit ‘em all over a year ago and won’t be re-upping. But notice: we got them to relent with no real help from Democratic Party leadership.

This sucks, right?

Why does everything cost $30

Good to know no one has a fucking spine

I have no proof, but this seems tied to the release of the Mandalorian movie trailer