Childhood is when you dream of being an astronaut. Adulthood is when you dream of being asleep.

My kitten insists on sneezing and sitting on my face so of course I woke up with pink eye.

My kitten looks at me like I’m his whole world

I had an idea for a great joke but I’m high and the joke had to be said out loud.

Getting a lot of domestic violence reels suggested to me on Facebook recently…

Damn I love coloring books.

Marty’s face and stance when he hears big sister Phoebe eating her food gives me the goddamn giggles

She’s a 10 but she pecks my boobs every day.

My spouse sent me this after I realized I shut the refrigerator while my kitten had been inside. Later that day, I watched as he fell down the stairs. Then I accidentally closed the fridge door on his head. Marty is ok.. but… How do orange kittens with adhd humans even make it to adulthood???

Doctor: *aggressively palpating my abdomen* Me: This reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where the doctor pushes on Homer’s belly and times how long it takes to stop jiggling…

Why didn’t anybody warn me that kittens poop all the damn time. Sooo many turds. What else do I need to know?

I DID NOT WANT A KITTEN

My 19 year old niece has a dog named Giselle. She calls her Jizzy and Jizzball. Discussing her dog in public is very.. hard.

Be the change you wish to see in the world *spontaneously combusts*

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means THEM: ME: THEM: werewolf Jesus? ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

There are people who need to live with constant drama and conflict because peace and quiet would leave them alone with the person they hate the most... themselves.

ME: What the world needs now BURT BACHARACH: is love, sweet love ME: *scribbling out ‘fucken pterodactyls’* Yeah, that’s probably better.

I only cut my grass so my house looks bigger.

so far 2025 feels like being awake during surgery

My burp sounded like “whoop” so I finished it off with a “there it is.”

I like my men how I like my donuts.. sweet and dense.

Chickens won't even cross the road anymore for fear of being detained.

Who has actually been cancelled? Who has seriously never been heard from again after doing or saying something horrible or stupid as hell?

fan me, feed me grapes and tell me which of my chins is your favorite

Mario. We need Mario.

Considering that anger can turn to sadness when you realize no one cares that you’re angry leads me to believe that a lot of people have convinced themselves that they’re sad when they’re actually furious.

The combination of totally haphazard, clueless dipshittery and calculated evil is really something.

I prefer to have hope because the alternative ain’t gonna do shit for me.

This is my character for Gloomhaven, Sawyer Leggoff. He has a really big saw.

I’ve quit telling people that I disagree with them. Instead, I now say, “I’m gonna have to agree with myself on this one.” It’s self-positive, non-confrontational, and just weird enough to end the conversation.

My spouse is watching Facebook reels of some guy called MrBeast and I’m not sure how I should feel about this.

Just felt something moving on my lower lip and panicked, reaching up to my face with both hands to grab whatever was crawling on my face. It was drool. I was just drooling. I scared myself by drooling.

Managed to sneeze spit particles into my own eye today.

I was at a Super Bowl party. Neighbor of the hosts called Mahomes, “Mahomo” at one point. It didn’t register in my brain immediately since I wasn’t totally paying attention or expecting to have to deal with someone more childish than any child I know…

And we hit the ground stumbling

Yeah, eggs are expensive, but so is a properly sized & insulated coop, a decent outdoor run, & occasional vet bills. Chickens are awesome, but they’re messy af & everything wants to kill them. Also, few vets will see them. DO YOUR RESEARCH PLEASE. It’s not like getting a feathery goldfish.

Coke nail? No, that’s my earwax nail.

Are there fewer female serial killers or are we just better at it

Asteroid 2032

me: *sitting in dentist’s chair* dentist: how did you get in my living room

I have felt the urge to throw up every day since January 20th.

I was never popular when I was young, which is why it's easy to not be now, neither.

My husband sounds like one of those cockatoos that yell obscenities.

If you thought the price of eggs were gonna go down, the yolks on you. I’m in a bad place.

It takes a village … to thwart a village idiot.

Nobody said this was a good account, go complain to someone else.

Started a band called ‘Duvet.’ All we play are covers

I don’t go hiking because if a bear shows up, you only have to run faster than the slowest person and I’m the slowest person