Kurt Vonnegut on buying an envelope

Lock the fuck in, Gumshoes. Carmen Sandiego stole a priceless wax pressing of "One of These Nights" by the Eagles. You've got to stop her before she travels back in time to 149 BC Carthage and trades it to Scipio Africanus the Younger for a kilo of the good shit. *Rockapella bops on stage*

And I said, what about USS Tripoli He said he thinks he Remembered to feed them and As I recall I think They like eating gray ham And I said well that's one thing they got

NG found this sticker on a slipper over a year ago and we don't know what it could be for so we're choosing to believe that something consequential could happen tomorrow

The navy used to have a ship exclusively for making ice cream for other ships. Now we have this

It's short for "vibrancy session"

I'm seeing some affordability discourse again so I thought it might be fun to reshare some charts of my expenses since 2018. There's a jump in 2024, which, if representative of others' experience explains why inflation was such a big deal during the election

thread of recordings i think you should check out

cuckolding game on steam gets review bombed as players find that the 'he doesn't even know she's cheating on him' is played less for sexual thrill and more for mr. magoo style comedy setups

What do you guys think the Friday news drop is going to be this week

Imagine that at 2:02 am on Apr 10, 2011, a strange woman bangs on your door claiming to be your future self. Wild eyes darting, hypervigilant. Hair like a bowerbird's nest. Was she dressed by a tornado? "You don't UNDERSTAND," she says. "I need to STOP it!!!" ...stop what? "The SINGULARITY!!!!!"

MELANIA: You want me. Out of nowheres. To remind every one. Of my best friend, and child sex monster. Jeffrey Epstein?? (squints evilly) NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.

I know this is basically a Dennis Miller joke but I thought it was funny

If it's a boy we're thinking of naming him Sirhan Sirhan

Happy 17776 Immortality Day! www.sbnation.com/a/17776-foot...

This is going to go extremely poorly for adobe

song of the day: youtu.be/D1EDKvXRKd0?...

Can you imagine if Joseph Robinette Biden had posted "praise be to Allah"

Referring to Birdo from Super Mario Bros. 2 as a queer elder.

"Description generated by doordash using AI" NO. Just tell me what's in the fucking soup. You expect me to order and eat food that you can't even bother to describe

MUPPET TRENT REZNOR: what have I become / my swedish friend? SWEDISH CHEF: ervie wurr ye durr gurrs awerre en de ern

Yo was that an earthquake

Lmao I forgot I set my name on Substack to "Swinmothy Bone"

I guess boycotting Harry Potter feels pretty trivial to me, because I'm an adult. if someone told me I shouldn't eat Gerber's baby food, I'd be like, that is no problem. I'm way ahead of you

[RED ALERT 🚨] S4609A - a.k.a the "stop online predators act" - is currently scheduled to be voted on by the internet and technology committee of the new york state senate on april 1st. if passed, new york will become yet another part of the u.s. surveillance state. NYers, RAISE HELL ABOUT THIS.

This girl I went to high school with got a speeding ticket because she was running low on gas and "wanted to get where she was going before it ran out" and I wonder if this is what Baltimore drivers are thinking lately

Want to feel old? It's been five years since Chet Hanks predicted it would be a white boy summer

Irish-Americans were smart to invent a holiday where you have to kiss them. I'm inventing one for Indian-Americans that's hand stuff.

I had a dream a few nights ago I was running past abandoned cars through smog-filled streets yelling "this sucks! We're in hell!" Anyway: www.nytimes.com/2026/03/25/c...

You may be tripping the fuck out, but you’ll never be the Captain on the cover of People Magazine tripping

Couple weeks ago at a party I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while and I meant to say "It looks like your career is going well!" or something like that but it came out as "I've been seeing you on LinkedIn a lot!"

Important research coming from the No Duh Institute

Imagining Richard Scarry's Busytown but all of the animals are wearing business casual and have nondescript jobs like "HR Specialist" or "Account Executive"

I wonder what it's like to be someone who doesn't pay attention to news right now. Are they just like "huh, gas is $4 a gallon. Bummer"

But they were all deceived for a 5th loco was made

Algorithm update: getting ads now that are just for like, a middle-aged guy playing bass and singing. Or this guy who is clearly unwell

Couple nights ago our bozo neighbors across the street put their recycling out right before that wind storm and now our yard is still covered in cat food and beer cans

You know how boomers use ellipses all the time, to indicate they're thinking or whatever. And it always comes off a little rude? Do they understand that when I use ellipses I'm specifically doing it to be rude?

Yeah I’ve seen the groundbreaking movie where a leading man plays two different brothers

Ok, DPW didn't make any obvious mistakes on the calendar like last year, but they did put International Women's Day six days late

“late to grind, late to bunk makes a man chopped, washed, & unc” —Benjamin Franklin

WBAL in Baltimore helping viewers understand the difference between watches and warnings

Been thinking it's funny how I've been playing enclose.horse a lot during this time when Iran is successfully "enclosing" the "horse" of petrocapital within the strait of Hormuz

Oil delivery company came unannounced and billed me at $6 a gallon for a delivery on a 77 degree day. I am so done with them

THREAD: I got laid off from NYMag/Vulture after 14 years. The family lost 75% of income + medical. Now mzs.press bookstore, once a side project. is do-or-die for Judith & I. I feel weird telling you this because others are doing much worse. But if you could like or share this, we'd be so grateful!

January of last year NG found a note in their slipper that just said "April 17, 2026". It's been added to our calendar just as a reminder of this in case anything happens that day

Suspicious looking remote-controlled vehicle outside of the 7-11 on Harford rd.

Who run Barter Town? NE Ohio Regional Sewer District run Barter Town