Travelling across London so I can repeatedly punch myself in the balls*. Got a frontline seat this home though - 12th row, not far from the centre line - so look out for me on a telly! I’ll be the speccy twat repeatedly punching myself in the balls. *watch West Ham.

Sushi Sunday. Fuck yeah.

The British do love an argument.

Oh man...that's a tough one. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Has Ace Frehley died? That would be shit.

My strongest book-related belief is that the paperback should come first and then the hardback after for people who want a fancy edition.

This is Zebby. He finally managed to catch his tail. Super proud of the accomplishment and would like to pretend no one saw the part right after. 12/10 (IG: zebbythegolden)

things bullets say

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again - Marjorie Taylor Greene is laying the groundwork to make a run for President in 2028 or 2032. She’s *just* critical enough to not be overly hostile, she knows what the MAGA heads want to hear, and she’s turned down the crazy (a smidgen). I’m calling it.

THE FIRST FOUR DANZIG ALBUMS HAVE BEEN REISSUED ON VINYL!!! Never smashed the buy button faster or harder. What a day to be alive.

All you fucking bandwagon jumpers make me sick - I hated Ian Watkins long before we knew he was a wrong ‘un. I have shouted abuse at him in public on two occasions and called him a cunt to his face when he was sat in the back of a car stuck in traffic as I was crossing the road. Fuck that guy.

Cork is trying to kill me. I’ve had like 25 pints in 24 hours and I really want to go to bed now.

I’m going to Cork on Thursday. This will be the first time I’ve ever represented our family to the extended family on everyone’s home turf ever. I’ve always had a parent or sibling to back me up. Feeling weird about it. Happy to go but also got that “say nothing to no one” thing burnt into my brain.

So the wife and I went down near Bristol for a party yesterday and I can confirm that on the southern outskirts of Bristol are flag shaggers galore. Loads of roundabouts and lampposts adorned with the flag. Genuinely hilarious. Nearly went through a red light we were laughing so much.

I’m at a 50th in a place called Chew Manga and it’s only 8 o’clock and I’m trying my hardest not to get too hammered too early but it’s not going well.

It's #BandcampFriday! I just want to make music but I am now doomed to also have to create silly videos to try and get people's attention to listen to said music. (Please share, I need the validation of attention and the sales) hawaiiworms.bandcamp.com/album/kiosk-67

You know when you get off a plane and your ears are still blocked so you say things a bit too loud to compensate. Bloke in a very green tracksuit at the baggage reclaim. "FUCKING HELL, IT'S SQUID GAME!" The look he shot my way was not very friendly....

It’s Friday & I’m pleased to announce that for the Half Man Half Biscuit fan who thinks they have everything,a new HMHB map of the UK has arrived with over 200 locations mentioned in their inimitable lyrics. Something for the weekend? Oh, yes, I think so. xx www.edwardphilips.co.uk/vintage-rail...

If Trump pronounces Vagina like he does China, that would, in part, explain Melania's face.

Made the right choice. They want £145 for a ticket, £6 for the bus from the station, and £50 for camping. My ticket was about £100, the eurostar is like £80 return, and my SEAT is under a roof and not susceptible to weather. I'm £20 up, dry, and on holiday already.

This morning I bought a ticket to see Iron Maiden in Amsterdam next year as fuck going to Knebworth. It will also be 18 months since I last smoked weed, so I'm going to have a lovely bleary eyed time in one of my favourite cities seeing Maiden on my own. Excellent. Hotel prices though - FUCKING HELL

IT'S RELEASE DAY! My new EP "Kiosk 67" is out - it's on streaming everywhere BUT the really cool kids are getting it from Bandcamp where you can also pick up a sexy limited edition cassette version for just £6. hawaiiworms.bandcamp.com/album/kiosk-67 www.analoguetrash.com/release/hawa...

Hot take for small bands/artists - three gigs does not constitute a "tour". Especially when date two and three are separated by a week. It's just three gigs. Don't try and make it something it isn't. "Tour starts Friday!" No it fucking doesn't.

Ah the Irish misgendering paradox: "Lad" is a masculine term - "Lads" is a universal greeting for all groups and genders

Just had a weekend away at a child-friendly place. 2 observations 1. Three minutes feels like a lifetime when your 3 yo disappears in a soft-play warehouse 2. Whenever there’s a gathering of children, it’s *always* the kid in full football kit who’ll be the biggest most awful cunt amongst them

Repost for Irish Film Classifications by Damien Owens, because it's just come up in FB memories and it's still *brilliant*.

One of my favourite things in life is seeing a big burly dude walking a tiny little dog.

Fucking West Ham. Again. What a load of old wank. We’re getting relegated.

Our fridge is on its way out. We got it for £40 off a neighbour who was moving. It’s been a valiant servant but I’m ready for a new one. And I really want one of those massive America style double door bastards. THE FUCKING PRICE THOUGH! Jesus wept. I had no idea. Even a basic fridge is expensive.

Donald Trump is a Cunt (now take my television show off air, you fat, orange rapist.)

Just made a gushing post on my business insta account about something brilliant I worked on that was announced today, and then immediately liked it from my personal account because someone had to and I am very proud of myself. Go me!

A man in Washington, DC, plays the Imperial March from Star Wars while following patrolling soldiers. One of the soldiers threatens to call the police.

I’m off to the football sans mates as the child has a 16th birthday party later (where there will be booze apparently). This is my third West Ham home game in a row for the first time in about 23 years or something. If we win I might go for four in a row with Palace next weekend. Maybe.

Fry up for dinner because… 1. I know how to party 2. I shopped local and it was all I could think of from the available ingredients 3. Fry-day (apologies) Sausage, bacon, mushrooms, breakfast potatoes, fried egg & oven baked tomato on the vine/baked beans (depending on your preference)

Please, if you watch only one video today online, make it this one.

Day 4 of new tattoo and the bruising has kicked in. It’s been a long time since I had anything of significant size but as much as I never forgot how much it hurts I really forgot how much it hurts.

Fucking Jeremy: A story in three parts

Went to a gig. Got absolutely hammered. Bought merch from both support and headliner. Got an uber. Have woken up a bit pissed still and also with a cold. Today is going to be a bad one.

I’ve had a lovely day. Bunked work to get a ridiculous tattoo off the drummer in one of my favourite bands, now I’m having a beer, and (because I’m broken) it’s Kiev for dinner. Friday done right. Go me.

Things will continue getting worse until the UK gets its act together and sends Half Man Half Biscuit to represent us at Eurovision.

Bravo, Jamie Raskin. You are invited to my birthday party.

You know what, fair play to Scooby Doo villains. They walk into a room dressed as a ghost, see a talking dog on its hind legs making the world’s biggest sandwich and somehow manage to stay in character.

Hello. A quick Chris T-T vinyl update. We’re pressing just 250 copies of each LP and half have sold in the first 2 weeks of pre-sale. So if you want one (or both) don’t hesitate. Pre-order your LPs today. I’m never making more, so this is it… www.indietees.co.uk/chris-tt

Been out all day. Is he dead yet?

At times like this when speculation is rife it’s important to remember he has a wife and children. Not to mention many friends and confidants I hope they’ve all come to a prolonged and agonising end too.

They’d have to notify the wife first and good luck getting her to pick up on a Friday night.

This is unsettling.

On this date 21 years ago a mutual friend introduced me to my future (and current) wife at Reading Festival. I was instantly smitten. Her less so. It all worked out in the end.