Just been over QPR because I got a free ticket and I love a fucking football match and can get the bus home. Disappointing result but a good time. Seats were practically on the pitch.

It's 10 years today since Prince died. So a reminder of this, that happened on the other place, because sometimes sadness can still bring laughter.

I’ve woken up in Boston, Lincolnshire. It is very white. I am extremely hungover and I have terrible wind. It’s going to be a long day.

The chocolate on top of eclairs should be available in frube format

Here are my top 10 dog and news reporter interactions!

'Coachella' sounds like a respiratory disease you get from swimming in a disused quarry x

If you see this, post a gig photo that you took.

Reasons to be cheerful

YOU’RE GOING DOWN WITH THE TOTTENHAM! DOWN WITH THE TOTTENHAM! YOU’RE GOING DOWN WITH THE TOTTENHAM!

The scourge of modern football is the cunts who arrive 25mins after kick off with snacks and drinks who then proceed to cause untold disruption looking for their seats.

BIG day today. About to go for a NINE course lunch at a restaurant recently awarded a second Michelin star. Home for a small nap. Then a must win game against Wolves tonight. Been looking forward to this for ages.

Classifieds

Seems appropriate

TRUMP: "I'm gonna fuckin' blow up all the fuckers! I wanna use all the bombs before I die! Helter skelter! Helter skelter! Race war! Race war! Fuck Easter and fuck you, too!" NEWS: "Trump promises to strengthen military in early morning Easter greeting."

Another beautiful Easter message from the President who loves Jesus with all his heart and soul.

Happy Easter mothers, fuckers, feather pluckers and other muckers. Shout out to everyone else who got up with the birds to start the dinner.

Well, that was unnecessary 😶

What can make a good friday even better? Free music! Some codes to redeem for a free copy of my last EP, Kiosk 67: band.codes/hawaiiworms/... (Please repost and please say something nice on my Bandcamp page if you do snap up a code)

The new Raye album is fucking brilliant. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

There are a lot of ghouls on this app. It’s not hard to be a bit more kind. Just let people enjoy stuff. It shouldn’t be sport to celebrate others misfortune. Says more about you than them.

Signed.

As a species, we aren't gonna make it are we?

uh no thanks

Summer is on its way lads.

CARCASS and NAILS at the UNDERWORLD on MONDAY!!?!?? I just shat the bed. And then bought tickets. Holy fucking shit.

Every Friday our daughter has a drama thing down the road a bit and my wife picks her up in the car as I don’t drive. I use these opportunities to listen to the records she won’t like while cooking dinner. Tonight it’s CIV (10/10) and the latest album by The Armed (7/10). Meatballs for dinner.

looking good Mr President

Happy Reading & Leeds lineup announcement day where middle aged men complain about how it used to be much better while entirely missing the point that it is aimed at teenagers which they no longer are to all who celebrate.

2-1 to Ireland. Get the holy water out! 🙏 #worldcup #coybig

This is Stan. He is the guardian of the stairs. It's his first day and he's a little nervous. Really hoping you don't try to pass. 12/10 (TT: stanthehotdawg)

North London is blue.

I saw a guy about 20 years my senior on a mobility scooter in a West Ham top at the supermarket today, and I couldn’t help but feel that this is what they’re going to do to me too.

There are a considerable amount of Americans at the football this evening. And also girls dressed up for a night out. Meanwhile I’m bricking it.

why are bees doing brutalism

West Ham vs Leeds in the quarter final of the FA Cup is on Easter Sunday. My niece is coming over and the trains are fucked but I’m seriously considering going anyway. 9000 Leeds fans and a history of unrest between us suggests a level of chaos that can’t be missed. It’s what Jesus would have wanted

The wife is away so the child has finalised realised her ambition to watch Get Out. It went well.

Never underestimate my desire at any given moment to go home.

I’ve always wanted to wake my partner up with a trombone. £110 seemed a bit steep for a gag therefore she felt safe. The music shop across the road from me is closing down (bit sad) and they’re having a 50% OFF everything sale. She’s fucked.

I have just secured West Ham tickets (excluding the cup) until the end of the season, thus (theoretically) completing my self imposed challenge to attend all home matches of the season. I did miss QPR in the cup due to a death in the family but I had a ticket so I’m ignoring that blip. Go me!

jesus CHRIST. www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v4...

I am here

love how we killed the old, frail anti-nuke ayatollah just to have him replaced with his young, healthy son who wants nukes and who just had his father, mother, wife, and child murdered on the same day by his mortal enemy. surely this will bring peace to the region

I descaled the kettle and the shower head, and also cleared the bathroom drain while at the same time cooking a roast ham. I’ve never felt so alive.

We don’t talk enough about the greatest wedding scene ever filmed 🎥

they’re just begging for a car chase

Pretty difficult to refute a single thing in this perfect assessment of where the f**k we are, from @iandunt.bsky.social:

I made the most perfect cracking ever this evening. We’ve all agreed that this is the high we will forever chase. Every centimetre of it was exceptional. I can’t see myself ever repeating this level of perfection. A day that will live forever in our memories.

A podcast asked me to record a voice note about my prediction for 2026 and here it is.

A Scottish executive at work is coaching me on using “cunt” in a positive tone, which feels like professional development I can get behind.

It’s four years since my dad took it upon himself to unceremoniously drop dead and leave chaos and despair in his wake. I miss him every day. And have always partially blamed Putin. If you’re drinking this evening then please pour one out for him. Sláinte.