Yourself but as a cartoon

Look! It's the opposite of a silly goose! That's fun and makes sense doesn't it! It's also silly as a goose is wearing a hat so it works on multiple levels

They won't be laughing when they're wrongfully arrested in connection with a 1970s pub bombing

Is this a thing? I’ve had testicles for almost half a century and never once thought to do this. If I’m missing out on some good times then please let me know as I’m genuinely intrigued. But this strikes me as being written by someone whose hand I would probably prefer not to touch.

I suppose it's time to mention again that I was at uni with Suella and she was not the brightest of the Class of '98. She was also sick on my staircase once after a big night and I got her a glass of water. Well, time keeps rolling by.

"If there were two cunts in town, you'd be the pair of them" - ancient Irish proverb. Treat yourself to our t-shirt here: https://waterfordwhispers.shop/products/land-of-saints-scholars-premium-wwn-t-shirt?

Any Half Man Half Biscuit fans on here interested in going to their Manchester gig next Friday night? (30th). The people I was going with have dropped out so I’ve got 3 tickets spare now and @twickets.bsky.social isn’t working so I can’t list them there. £30 each (FV + fees). Mobile tickets. #HMHB

I take it all back. It’s brilliant heading home in daylight and it was a fucking brilliant game.

This feels way too early to be headed to a football match. Can West Ham wins two games in a row? Feels unlikely but I am moderately confident. It’s the hope that kills you of course.

What I will say about my wares is that the descriptions are at least half of the fun for me www.etsy.com/uk/shop/Proz...

This is quite something.

Just finished my first shift driving a bus. Now to take a big sip of coffee and check social media

Sound on

I have a store now, you can indulge and encourage my stupidity in exchange for cash money www.etsy.com/uk/shop/Proz...

New York has been great. I drank about 400 beers, saw ice hockey, went to a gig and did a stage dive, hung out with an old friend, ate lobster, pizza, sushi, burritos and a lot of crisps, got a tattoo, West Ham beat Spurs, and I might have broken my toe. It also snowed. Going home now. Knackered.

It’s 5:47am in New York and I’ve just woken up. I don’t have a hangover. The tattoo does not hurt. But what the hell have I done to my toe?!? I don’t think it’s broken but it feels like I broke it. The pain is very real and the reason I am awake.

Oh, what’s that? You’re thinking about going to bed? Well I am about to see one of my all time favourite bands play one of my all time favourite albums in fucking Brooklyn! I’m entirely intending to stage dive and everything. Because we’re all old now. I’m so fucking excited.

Just got a random, poorly thought out tattoo in Brooklyn because I’m here and I thought of it and now I have it. And I won’t regret it for a second because I’m living life and off to see an important band in my life play THE album later on. I love New York. Have had a great time.

Good thread, this

I’m in New York. Off to see The Rangers vs Ottawa Senators at Madison Square Garden in a little bit. I have been awake for a very long time and this is really quite surreal. Especially considering I was in Cork at a funeral yesterday. Madness. Go me!

Cork airport is kind of shit but it might also be the best airport in the world. There are barely any flights so everything just runs on time. It took longer to walk to security than it did to go through it. Love it.

In Cork at a viewing/removal/funeral and just overhead a woman say “Ah sure, I got the best years out of him. Whoever gets him now gets the diabetes and blood pressure”.

I’m on a plane. Somehow got priority boarding (definitely didn’t book it) and also got assigned the emergency exit row so I’ve got loads of leg room (I’m 5’5”). This must be how the other half live.

Long fucking day full of fucking woe. I really fucking want to just go to fucking bed. But I need to fucking walk a fucking mile to fucking pick up the fucking child from a fucking party and then fucking walk a fucking mile fucking home again. LATER. Not fucking happy.

Timeline cleansing

JUST BOOKED THE FUCKING SUMMER HOLIDAY LADS!! Almost on a whim. Found somewhere amazing in Croatia. Discussed over dinner. Dates available. Found a cat sitter. Booked the flights. Will figure out how we actually get there from Zagreb later but WE ARE GOING TO CROATIA and I could not be more excited.

My various timelines have been chock full of West Ham doom and gloom today so I feel the need to address this from my point of view. None of you will read it but I have stuff to say as it’s always the same old shit. So I am going to address certain areas of abuse we get.

This time next week I’ll be in New York. It would be absolutely super if WWIII doesn’t break out prior to that please as I’ve been really looking forward to it.

That was never a fucking penalty.

21 years ago this evening I got drunk with my best friend and convinced her that we should have a snog because we clearly fancied each other and it would either be weird or amazing. I am pleased to report that we will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary in May. SNOG YOUR MATES!

It's 10 years since Cat Food Letterbox Day! Oh happy day!

Shout out to all the amateur drinkers who think, because it’s New Year’s Eve, they can suddenly cope with 9 pints of lager and 8 Jägerbombs and will be found in the early hours of 2026 lying face down in a bush, covered in puke, and crying for their mum, after shitting themselves.

Orcas, rise up.

10 league games in a row for me, which means I’ve passed the half way point on my quest to do every home game this season. Disappointing result but a fun game. Very fucking cold though.

Fergal Sharkey asked me to pass him that little divider thing you use on the conveyer belt in Sainsburys.

Alas! It is 31 years since the world was deprived of one of its more colourful culinary characters: Phyllis Nan Sortain Pechey – better known as double bigamist, child abandoner, amphetamine user, dangerous driver, and celebrity cook Fanny Cradock

WE HAVE OPENED THE WINE. EVEN THE CHILD HAS A GLASS. THANK YOU FOR ATTENTION TO THIS MESSAGE. *Piiiiiiiiissssssssed.

No one in this house loves Christmas more than the cat. She’s been a lunatic all day. We’ve just laid everything out for the morning. She’s fucking beside herself. Ate and ran off to bed. There will be no sleep for Mittens tonight.

I bought a fillet of beef last week to make Wellington, and stuck it in the freezer. The internet told me 12-24hrs to defrost in the fridge. Easy. Erring on the side of caution I stuck it in there 24hrs ago. Still solid as a rock this morning. So it has been on the side all day. STILL SOLID. Uh oh.

Ok, so I just gave someone a guitar lesson over the internet like it's 2006 or something. So if that's something you'd be interested in, I can do that now too. New Year, new skills? DMs are open for enquiries. The first one is free, like a drug dealer from an eighties cartoon.

Took the in-laws to lunch so as to avoid having to do Christmas Day bollocks round theirs. We are now locked in until we go West Ham vs Fulham on the 27th. Got enough food to feed an army and probably enough beer to feed me. Feeling festive. And a bit tipsy. Let’s fucking go!

In these challenging times someone might need one of them: Childline: 0800 1111 Samaritans: 116 123 Domestic Violence Hotline: 0808 2000 247 Mind: 0300 123 3393 Age UK: 0800 169 6565 Alcoholics Anonymous : 0800 9177 650 Cruse Bereavement Care: 0808 808 1677 MH text support: 85258

Today is the day - I'm off to spend all the Nectar points I have been saving up over the year.

Someone turned the empty local funeral directors into a wine bar and it’s fucking brilliant. This is the kind of community I can get behind.

why not put count von count into various vampire scenes: thread

The rock band THANK from Leeds justifying me leaving the house. Last gig of the year. Perfect way to finish. 10/10.

@bosd.bsky.social Are you at the Scala? I just saw a dude with the head off you.

I’m having a late lunch with a friend. Headed into town early to get some Christmas bits but have retired to the pub as it’s fucking horrible out there. Sláinte.

32 years ago today was my last day at school. I’d essentially been kicked out but agreed to see out the term. But being 16 and up my own arse I decided to just fuck it all off. So just walked out. Happiest day of my life at the time. Arguably the stupidest scenario I ever put myself in. No regrets.

Every now and again I’m tempted to overshare on here, and then stop myself. But it’s been a good day. The Heir smashed her mocks & I’ve had some brilliant personal news. It’s steak for dinner to celebrate. Life could be (and undoubtedly will be at some point) worse. Small victories. One love.