Nacho is 100 percent Planning Crimes.

Netflix should have a body-building competition reality show called Muscular AF hosted by The Rock and the winner gets to star in a buddy comedy movie with the winner of Kevin Hart’s Funny AF.

Tastes like a complicated relationship

Guys who take steroids sure are mad at women for taking GLP-1s.

Bex: "What are you doing tonight?" Nicky: "Going to the pub to see Aug." Bex: "Oh, I haven't seen Aug in quite a while, I assumed he was dead."

Oh no, I mixed up my bottle of hoisin sauce with my bottle of POISON sauce! 😅

Eating raw carrots and raw snow cones on #LastMeals with Josh

Big news: toddler has been saying "duck" as "cuck" pretty consistently for the last month. Can't convince her otherwise. Maybe she knows something about these ducks that I don't

People always tell me I’m a music historian. It was great fun indulging that with @koppenwithcomic.bsky.social on this podcast. Talking Ramones, Def Lep, Sly Stone, Dusty Springfield, Solomon Burke, Van Halen, & Kate Bush Listen here or wherever you get yr podcasts www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf9T...

Appeared on a music podcast, still talked about comedy on @koppenwithcomic.bsky.social open.spotify.com/episode/52es...

The human mind just wasn't meant to handle this many hot takes on a daily basis.

Music’s real great. Hope they keep making a lot of it.

Hey, look who’s on podcast!

That feeling in yoga class when you realize you aren’t the one struggling with left and right, your instructor is.

Wake me up when it affects the world’s average condom maker

There’s a funny part in the Hulk Hogan documentary where they spend about 5 minutes telling you how awful The Ultimate Warrior was before going back to Hogan’s story.

Guy who keeps getting NewDad mixed up with NewJeans.

Now that Sean Hannity has left Catholicism, I’m considering signing up.

lol im way better at drums than the last time I sat down to play, air drumming works if you take it serious

Every brilliant thing #1,000,001: free tickets to a broadway show

I've been in Oklahoma less than a week & I am already coming up with folksy sayings. Today's example: "If you wanted a fine china dinner, you should have had fine china manners."

Eating her curds and whey?? Little Miss Muffett was protein-maxxing!

Friends! I have stand-up comedy album that is newly available! It’s been playing only on Sirius til today but now you can hear it anywhere! Thank you Blonde Medicine for producing, McKinley Cox for the art, Mindy Tucker for the photo, and YOU for listening! www.blondemedicine.com/bm084-live-i...

I got a question for any barbers on my line. DM me post haste

Now, now. Some of those Iranian schoolgirls could have one day BECOME nuclear scientists.

Can’t believe we’re not even through Q1

A picture of me at 10 years old opening up my Technodrome for my birthday. Then a pic of same Technodrome I just took at 46. Still got it, baby! #tmnt

GOD: I want you to give a name for all the animals. ADAM: ok. "Animals." GOD: No, give a name to each of the animals ADAM: that one's Dave.

I’m reading Wuthering Heights for the first time and Heathcliff the Cat is more of a romantic figure than this guy.

You, easily influenced: I’m watching season 2 of the Pitt Me, a lover of the classics: watching the first season of ER from 1994

I’m glad someone greenlit the idea to have traffic lights.

My standup special drops Jan 31st. Jarretberenstein.com for the link.

It’s plausible we could have a second civil war during the third world war. A real Alien vs Predator situation.

I’m in the denial stage of having a cold

No financial pain, no gain

For sale. Men’s jeans. Never washed.

still writing “2025” on all my ciphers I send to the police department

Second poetry book on Amazon Kindle Unlimited : )

In 2026 i would like to barf less

My Etsy witches are really underperforming this quarter

One of the least looked-up words in the dictionary is probably "dictionary."

“You were obsessed with me.” Well, I was obsessed with Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for longer.

Want to win these custom GLTS Labubus? For every $5 you donate to Feeding America via the below link, you'll get one entry into the raffle. Choosing the winners at the late show this Thursday at UCB NY!

I'm nominated for "Comedian of the Year" in Raleigh. If you wanna vote, thanks! Voting ends 12/16. docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1F...

if I had a kid who was going to school, I would Game of Thrones the shit out of the PTA

Sarah Sherman is on The Downside podcast tomorrow! Out now on Patreon

I think it would be very funny if the Nobel committee gives out a prize for soccer next year.

Happy Gratitude Weekend, all! I am grateful that my new special “Rini” has been out for a week! I am also grateful for this joke that is NOT from that special, from Conan in 2013! Enjoy for 30 seconds and then enjoy “Rini” for an hour! Thanks and love, all! #jokes #funny #comedy #standup

Take your child to work tour