Shattered my favorite perfume bottle, but on the plus side my bathroom smells amazing.

Get you a girl that can do both: be hyperactive and inattentive.

Did people think Justin Trudeau was a policy wonk? He always stuck me as a nepo baby who decided to he’d rather be one of the hottest politicians than maybe hot enough to be an actor.

Sure the Coachella outfits are ugly but at least they’re really uncomfortable.

#garyvee #grindset #hustleandgrind #hustler

Going to be so funny watching people try and act like this never happened one day

It’s weird to me that the most popular partially waxed pubic hair styles leave the hair closest to the clit.

I just want someone to love me as much Charli xcx loves.

I kind of regret not asking the guy on the bus watching video after video of ai slop without headphones if he understood they weren’t real.

#heatedrivalry #shanehollander #ilyarozanov #tv #television

“You want us to hold democratic politicians to a higher standard than republicans hold Trump?!?!?” Yeah….

“Bleach would do a more effective job of defeating mold than vinegar.” “Ummmm actually vinegar is better than mold.”

Wouldn’t the timing be a lot more “suspicious” If it was after the primary?

#thenetherlands #nederland

I used to complain about the Nate Silvers of the world turning politics into fantasy sports, but now the Kalshis of the world have just turned it into regular sports gambling.

In order to achieve my dreams I have to pursue them.

My mom still has the tape of a “prank” message my bully left on my answering machine in sixth grade in case he ever runs for office. I don’t know how to tell her that would probably only help him.

It is kind of cool that we used to argue with the end of the world would be AI or climate change and now it turns out we were all right.

Mouth-breather is such a funny insult. “Oh, your nose is congested? That means you’re stupid”

Does anybody know where I put my sunglasses.

Going to get into sports, because small talk about the weather gives me too much climate anxiety.

People regularly make the argument that being a fan of someone makes you a more objective judge of their work and character because they know more things about them.

#richardlinklater #ethanhawke #juliedelpy #beforesunrise #beforesunset #beforemidnight

Sleep has avoidant attachment. The more you tell it you want it, the harder it is to find.

Sometimes an outsider has more information than an insider. One timewhen my straight male friend said “being a teen boy is so hard you wake up with a boner.” And I was like “don’t most men wake up with a boner?”

There’s a crosswalk near me that doesn’t have a light, so the cars are just supposed to stop but they don’t until a Waymo does and guilts them into it.

“I thought we had all decided…” You did? You saw some posts with hundreds of thousands of likes and you thought that represented global consensus?

Tilly Norwood really fell off.

#chatgpt #ai #anthropic #chatbot

The best case scenario is that he did a mini Cuban Missile Crisis as a joke.

The term “faking it” is problematic because it implies that women don’t enjoy sex until they are actively orgasming. In this essay I will…

Starting a nuclear war to own the libs.

Tonight: #burbank #losangeles flapperscomedy.com/site/shows.p...

#hinge #dating #peacock #tv

Anyway … I have a comedy show tomorrow flapperscomedy.com/site/shows.p...

I know they’d find a way to make it racist, but it’s still funny to me that the dumbest motherfuckers out there want to have to take a test to vote.

Feels like a good time to bring up Vasily Arkhipov.

When you have a counter productive but clever retort.

He could have family money but then I don’t think he would have brought it up. #hinge #dating #golddiggers

About once a month I’ll get a hinge like from a guy who has “no fatties” in his profile, so obviously it’s actually “some fatties.”

I know we don’t deserve another Before Sunrise movie, but I do think we need one.

So remember how you said I was dead to you?

Actually, we should be shaming people who wear a different outfit in every video.

Parasocial anxiety: when you are fan of someone but don’t think they’d like you.

Mom: Do you ever hear from that guy? Me: Who? Mom: The one that looked promising but went nowhere. Me: You’re going to have to be way more specific.

People say “everything you say before the word but is a lie” but that’s not true.

I just don’t think the phrase “double tap” appropriately conveys the severity of the crime.

You mean prunes?