I am not obsessed with you! I’m just addicted to my phone!

Yay putting a private company in charge of w utility!

#taylorswift #thelifeofashowgirl #tloasg #ts12

I’m proud of linktr.ee for sticking with their ugly new logo.

This video is about Ben Shapiro. #politics #discourse

#chatgpt #tech #ai #email #adhd

Helpful

Just found out eyelashes also go gray. Don’t text.

“I’m actually LESS propagandized because I’ve watched ALL the propaganda so I have the CONTEXT to understand it isn’t propaganda.”

“Just one more video. Just one more video. Just spend another hour of your life listening to some loser yell at college kids. Then you’ll totally agree with me that he was smart and good and kind.”

I’m sorry. I will not be gaslit into believing Charlie Kirk wanted the best for me.

Obama *runs on hope and change and wins* Kamala *runs on Dick Cheney and loses* Ezra Klein: So let’s go back to the Obama era by getting rid of the hope keeping the Dick and adding dead women just in case.

I also had a problem with people performing at the inauguration. 🤷‍♀️

#comedy #riyadh

Yes, autocorrect. I wanted to say ass Kissinger.

There’s a genre of commenter on the internet that seems genuinely exasperated to learn that not everyone who got into comedy did so in order to suck Joe Rogan’s dick.

New York Public Libraries today:

My mom said “we just got to hope they fall apart soon” and I thought she was talking about the Trump administration but she was actually talking about Arsenal.

I still think I could fix Kendall Roy, by the way.

According to this administration if you ask why you are a terrorist.

it is just a straightforward statement of fact to say that the trump administration sees any black student at an elite institution as one too many

If it weren't for the fact that a lot of sitting Dems listen to them, it's genuinely funny how our "liberal" pundit class thinks we need to bend over backward to win these people over instead of just jingling keys at them and calling it a day

Skylight picking the time of American TikTok’s sale to make itself worse was a choice.

Mitch hedberg: An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. Modern male comedian: *openly crying, pissing, shitting himself while reading off a list of his enemies*

if you showed these tweets to people on the street 9 out of 10 peoples would put YOU in a mental institution for showing them this shit. I hate I understand these words.

Do you think Bert Kreisher turned down Riyadh or didn’t get invited?

I am so mad at them. #timwalz

I know that they never really cared about Charlie because I’ve never seen so many pictures of him with his mouth closed. Real friends would have told him how to post flattering pictures of himself when he was alive.

#comedy #riyadh #riyadhcomedyfestival

“The Nazis won’t let us collaborate with them”

Since they don’t care about the morality of it, have comedians going to the Riyadh comedy festival considered how poor and desperate it makes them look?

Unless otherwise stated, heads is yes and tails is no, right?

What if our Frans Ferdinand is an escalator?

What’s everybody doing tonigh? ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 having a comedy show tonight. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

#comedy #standup #nyc #brooklyn #bushwick

Does anybody know what this says? I wrote it

I honestly don’t think anybody has ever advised me to just be myself.

lmfao

Maybe this is what it takes to get Americans to call it paracetamol.

There are a lot of conspiracy theories about why they’re going after Tylenol, but I honestly think it’s mostly because they’re big babies who want simple explanations for complex phenomena.

*out of ideas voice* feck the bunk in chio.

I don’t like reddit because I don’t like rules.

I used to get so frustrated when Tina Fey or Jon Stewart etc would deny they had any impact on society because they were just comedians. If I had known the alternative was every asshole with a microphone acting like a philosopher king, I would have been grateful.

I hope the rapture happens on Tuesday. Get those people outta here.

One of the nice things about the Jimmy Kimmel dust-up is it proves that people will use the “I don’t even like them” caveat for men.

I never bought one of those “this is what a feminist looks like” shirt, because I figured everyone would be like “yeah, no shit.”