You know how when somebody important dies they’ll do flags at half mast? So when “it” happens, is there a way to do like the opposite of that? Is there a way to put the flags higher than normal? One and 1/2 mast? Double mast?

Trump only cares about the Dow, so we’re doing war on the weekends now #iran

Why would Trump and Vance endorse Orban, who is allied with Putin, who is giving intel to Iran to kill American soldiers?

Why should they stand? What were the rules? #sotu #trump

To be fair, it wouldn’t be THAT hard to rename Penn Station after Trump. You could even keep the P and E.

Lots of reasons to be healthy, but this one is mine.

Democrats never get any credit, Republicans never get any blame.

I’M WORRIED premieres on 1/31. #standup #comedy

There are a lot of negative things you can say about Trump, but we often overlook how pathetic he is. Like, posting 50 times in two hours is pathetic. Demanding praise and awards is pathetic. Referring to yourself in the third person is pathetic.

REMINDER: The Reform ICE people are not the enemy. The Abolish ICE people are not the enemy. Reform and Abolish are a TEAM. We work and vote TOGETHER to stop what ICE is doing. Bots will try to destroy our coalition by exploiting our differences. Do not let them.

I produced my own standup special. I've been doing standup for almost 20 years, and I recently edited a special together from my last tour opening for Steve Hofstetter.

My standup special drops Jan 31st. Jarretberenstein.com for the link.

My main takeaway from the Jack Smith testimony: we should push our presidential candidate to make him Attorney General in 2029.

FAVORITE MOVIES 2025: Sinners Mountainhead The Naked Gun Predator Badlands Good Fortune FAVORITE TV SHOWS 2025: Andor Pluribus Slow Horses When Life Gives You Tangerines Peacemaker Sirens I Love LA

I’d pay extra to watch an edit of Marty Supreme w/o Kevin O’Leary in it.

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, saved lives. And Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. Because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want Tim on that wall, you need Tim on that wall.

We could probably get Trump to admit he blew Clinton if we tell him we heard it was mid. “Fake news. Everybody knows it was top ten, maybe the best ever. He was always asking for it again, kept calling me for weeks, for months.”

Talking about #christians like how people talk about #zohranmamdani

Serious question: what kind of person says “Rue the day”?

Seems sus

Like Wikipedia but full of racist conspiracy theories!

Scream now. You may not always be able to. #trump

#RFK is obsessed

Not even a critical injury can stop my flow #legend

#nobelprize #trump

Trump and Vance are having a good time, so why can’t we? #shutdown

This coulda been an email #trump

How can you help? Do the work.

I think this lady has three kids

Seems like a lot of people got a text from Charlie Kirk the day before he died 🤔

Would you date a democrat?

Which party is for the billionaires and which is for the rest of us?

Best of Wives, Best of Women #hamilton

Wow! Listen to this list of acts of political violence. It’s not even complete, but sobering AF. Now, Charlie Kirk was shot and killed in front of a crowd, and the video is all over social media. This needs to stop.

Cookin w Podcasts Ep 1: The Fella w the Island

Did Taylor Swift automatically become a bad person when she got a billion dollars?

Is he ☠️?? Seems sus.

Democrats are the new Cassandra

Social media is a propaganda and misinformation machine

Seems sus

“What’s America like these days?” “A friend of mine who was born here got kidnapped in front of me by a group of masked men. I have no idea if they were from the government or not. Could have been ICE, could have been human traffickers, and I’m honestly not sure which option is better.”

Russia just bombed a Boeing facility in Ukraine but also it might have just done that by itself. Bombing a Boeing facility is like setting a CyberTruck on fire: You could have just waited.

My wife went to one protest and now she’s belting “Do You Hear the People Sing” in the shower.

Peaceful protests in Los Angeles?

Blaming protestors for violence when it was Trump who ordered ICE to kidnap innocent people is giving “Look What You Made Me Do.”

It'd be sad if the military was too busy shooting unarmed protestors in Los Angeles to march in Trump's stupid birthday parade in DC.

Trump’s HHS is ending the team that protects kids from lead exposure. Lead, which makes people dumber and more violent. “I drank lead as a kid and I came out fine!” said January 6th.

Pete Hegseth has ordered the navy to rename one of their battleships from Harvey Milk to Harvey Wallbanger.

Steel tariffs are doubling today, but could be reversed as early as next TACO Tuesday