“I talked about you in therapy” is either a nice compliment or a devastating twist of the knife.

The Trump administration is right! People should stop saying anything negative about ICE agents!! Just film what they’re doing to families and show people. They’ll get the idea.

Since moving to the suburbs, people keep saying “it must be nice to have all that space” but what they don’t know is that in the fall, most of that space is taken up by spiders.

Getting some bullets engraved at the Something Remembered mall kiosk

Today on the podcast, Emmy-award winner James Hamilton joins us to talk about Cat TV, videos made specifically for your cat. It’s as funny as it is sad! Give it a listen! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m... @zachsims.bsky.social @thejamham.bsky.social

It’s great to see a VP with a sense of humor who will also insist your comedy show should be canceled because of a throwaway line about who Trump was trying to blame for a shooting! It’s funny because it’s so brazen! No fs given! @jd-vance-1.bsky.social

Book club???

I’d say I’m having a midlife crisis but that implies I haven’t been in crisis this whole time.

Listen to the story of Michael (almost) making it while we were in high school! It’s a journey. open.spotify.com/episode/0LKi...

Had a great time discussing books we love and books we didn’t on this week’s podcast with @samwiles.bsky.social Give it a listen to find your next Beach Read! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m... @zachsims.bsky.social

Jimmy Kimmel did more to heal the divide in this country than Trump or Vance this week, including what he said and wrote BEFORE he was suspended. If you act like a human being and show empathy instead of blaming Soros (??) and random groups who weren’t responsible, people listen.

Tonight!

“As I was saying before I was interrupted…” is what Paar said when he returned to host The Tonight Show after leaving. Thank you. I have read a book. 😎 #kimmel

More than 1800 detainees are missing after the closure of Alligator Alcatraz. Their families and lawyers can’t find them and they’ve vanished from the ICE database. Feels like this should be a much bigger story www.miamiherald.com/news/local/i...

Donald Trump: “it can only good happen”

I turned off motion smoothing on my real life by not updating my glasses prescription

Great. So that includes leftists who have been asking for gun control their whole lives, right? …right…?

Authorities in Utah can now confirm that Charlie Kirk’s killer was once asked if he “had a second for the environment” by a guy with a clipboard on the street. No word on whether he stopped or not.

I dont know who needs to hear this, but demons aren’t real. Neither is the Devil. And there is no supernatural entity that hears your thoughts and alters the physical world around you. It’s not real. (Screenshot this in case you get raptured and want to laugh about it with Jesus later)

I humbly ask that you don’t cheer at my funeral or wear any of my merch. Just be sad for a minute and eat too much in my honor.

I guess Homan is also good at disappearing a bag with $50k in it

RIP Charlie Kirk. As a guy who loved factual accuracy and hated empathy, you deserved better than the VP immediately making up a story about your shooting to stir up the emotions of his political base.

My parents when I was a teenager: “Don’t ruin your future with drugs.” Me: *does comedy for 15 years.* My parents: “OK. Technically, you did what we asked…”

Free stand-up this Wednesday in Park Slope! Wednesday, September 24th at 7:30 PM includes… Laura Lane (ESPN, The New Yorker) Kelly Bachman (Hulu) Max Fine (Limestone Comedy Fest) Jonathan Van Halem (The Tonight Show) Lizzie High (Young Ethel’s Barprov) www.eventbrite.com/e/we-have-fu...

A good topical rec for you this week.

I’m not going to dunk on the right-leaning podcasters who suddenly don’t trust Trump now but it would be nice if this were the start of their deep dive into what a liar and fascist this prick is instead of saying “this Kimmel thing is bad” and then having Steve Bannon on next week.

We had a blast talking to Sam Wiles about beach reads, Stephen King, and what inspired our JD Vance impressions. Take a listen! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m... @zachsims.bsky.social @samwiles.bsky.social

A couple asked me if I would be their sperm donor and after I said yes, they decided to instead go with a 6’5” Yale grad who played professional basketball. It made me feel a little self-conscious but I mailed them a few vials anyway.

We had a blast talking to Sam Wiles about beach reads, Stephen King, and what inspired our JD Vance impressions. Take a listen! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m... @zachsims.bsky.social @samwiles.bsky.social

This man laughs in earnest about as rarely as he makes his wife cum. @jd-vance-1.bsky.social

If a lefty podcaster were shot while Biden was president, they’d be on Fox News saying Joe Biden ordered the murder so he’d have a reason to take away guns.

My guy takes five vacations, comes back to exploit his friend’s death for his own political ends, then celebrates a big win he had nothing to do with by posting a smug half-joke. Do better. And take more Ozempic so I can keep exercising and still do the impression. @jd-vance-1.bsky.social

Need more than TikTok for video, and unfortunately youtube is the closest option otherwise. Who has been doing the same. The lack of competition is coming back to bite us.

I know a few comics will say “it’s just a TV show” and audiences are moving to other mediums, but my TikTok account got a “permanent ban” for a soft video about Vance and I had to fight for weeks to get the videos back up. What happens when Trump’s friends own the site?

I want to apologize to the alt right comics I mocked for booking Nazis on their podcast who are now silent about Kimmel. You clearly have severe brain damage and I was punching down.

They’re cancelling the network comedy shows *before* they bring back the draft this time.

Strike Force 2!

This administration hates anyone who can land a joke or safely land a plane.

*the state gets random people fired for stuff they say on the internet* “This isn’t the same as cancel culture because when I got canceled people were mean to me and it hurt my feelings.”

Win Ben Stein’s Friends Over Before Making Any Jokes

I love that we went from blaming “radical left Antifa communists” to blaming “left of center” Americans. You know. Those evil monsters who think gay people should be allowed to exist.

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

Comedians who spent their entire careers saying “everything is fair game” got this administration in office and now the president and VP are talking about what can and can’t be said. And now you’re all silent! Weird!

We shouldn’t be surprised that people on the Right love to contextualize and rationalize quotes because they’ve spent their whole lives arguing that even though Jesus said very specific things about the poor, they should still hoard their money.

My friend from Cleveland was shot in the neck because the shooter was angry about a fight he had with his girlfriend so I think the good and proper response is to make it illegal for straight people to date.

I make my dog treats out of his wet food. It’s the same stuff he eats from his bowl but he goes absolutely crazy for the treats. Anyway, that’s how I feel about most TV shows.

If you want to stare at Robert Redford and hear typewriter sounds, might I also suggest Three Days of the Condor

JD Vance hosts The Charlie Kirk Show

JD Vance hosts The Charlie Kirk Show

Relax, everyone. Trump and Vance are already taking away people’s jobs regardless of their political affiliation.