It’s crazy that Rick Barry shot 94% from the foul line using the granny shot and no one else does it because it “looks weird.” It’s like everyone deciding that rolling suitcases were a mistake because it looked so much cooler in the 50s when everyone had back and shoulder issues.

What Trump is doing feels like when I let dishes pile up in the sink until I’m nearly out of dishes and then I avert a crisis by doing “the biggest dishwashing session in human history.”

Found a way to see the new Odyssey movie for free! I’m going to hide inside a wooden horse outside the theater and trick the staff into thinking it’s a nice gift.

Conspiracy theories are getting sadder. People used to say “we never landed on the Moon. It was all a hoax to beat the Soviets and make the world safe for democracy!” Now it’s “we never flew by the Moon. Those videos were faked because the president touched kids.”

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by committing fraud.

Real

America has once again achieved its objective of bringing the world back from the brink of a disaster that we planned.

“I’m going to spend my last few hours on this Earth with my loved ones.” What the archeologists will see when they find my body in 4000 AD:

Every podcast host who supported Trump:

I bet VP @jd-vance-1.bsky.social didn’t share an Easter message because he spent the weekend on a Signal chat trying to talk Trump out of using a nuke.

The only way Iran will get a nuke is if America drops one on the country and it accidentally doesn’t go off, and that feels like a real possibility now.

reporting back re: the far side of the moon

The guy from American Beauty must have been psyched when he finally ran away to New York City because there are plastic bags blowing around on every block.

Come see @chloebadcliffe.bsky.social @jimtews.com and more in Huntington on April 21st! www.eventbrite.com/e/big-stretc...

Happy Easter from JD Vance! He Is Risen!

Bro, it’s not that serious. You’re simply spending your one wild and precious life scrolling.

Happy Easter from JD Vance! He Is Risen!

The big argument made by a lot of comedians 15ish years ago was “we shouldn’t be cancelling people over JOKES even if what they’re saying is ‘wrong.’ They aren’t doing anything bad!” Then a bunch of comedians started doing heinous stuff and everyone said “yeah, but I like him.”

Eating her curds and whey?? Little Miss Muffett was protein-maxxing!

Another great piece by @danwilbur.bsky.social

JD Vance congratulates Pam Bondi on her early retirement.

About to take a Nothing Shower. No soap. No shampoo. No shaving. I’m going to stand under the water and cry.

Clavicular said Millennials have “no culture of their own.” Hey! We didn’t whistle over folk music for a decade to be treated like this!

Pam Bondi’s tell-all memoir about the Trump administration is going to be a quick read since 60% of the pages will be blacked out.

RIP Pam Bondi!!

Trump was like “Ummmmm we have an UPDATE for you. About the WAR in IRAN!” and then the speech was like “Hello we are at war with Iran.”

Bonus episode of the podcast is up! We’re talking about the various sad parallels between bowling and comedy while discussing the first three episodes of Born to Bowl! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m...

FALL 2: We Forgot Our Keys Up There

Trump making a big announcement about Iran on April Fools’ Day is perfect.

Getting together with the boys who didn’t convert to a medieval religion this year and doing a reading from The Good Book:

JD Vance claims UFOs are demons.

JD Vance claims UFOs are demons.

Giving $14 billion to the country you’re at war with is a winning strategy! How are we supposed to blow up more stuff if we don’t let them build it with our money first?? 4D Chess

Great new episode of My New Thing with Anthony DeVito! We’re talking about basketball and the NBA! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m... @zachsims.bsky.social

Weird. Usually people take their names off of a project that’s failing.

Bill Maher forcing every Kennedy Center presenter to take a hit off a joint before going onstage

America is so allergic to sacrifice, they want ICE funded again if it means they don’t have to wait in a long line at an airport. If you’re waiting and never went to a protest, just pretend you’re finally marching. Bring a sign. Film the ICE agents. Don’t beg for Schumer to cave.

Facebook had their Big Tobacco moment a long time ago (when we found out they used slave labor for moderating content on the site)

This must hit so hard if you’ve been in a coma since 1947

Great new bonus episode about how important it was for The Smothers Brothers to feature people like Pete Seeger on their show before CBS pulled the plug! Topical!

On today’s bonus episode, we’re talking about The Smothers Brothers and why CBS loves to cancel late-night comedy shows. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m...

Yes, people were thinner in the 50s because Pringles didn’t exist yet but they were also ripping cigs every waking minute.

“Gun to my head” is such an insane phrase. “Gun to my head, I’d have to say…” you wouldn’t say shit except “please don’t shoot me!”

Yes, we’re living under a fascist regime, but at least the planes run into each other.

Astonishing. The goal of our war is now to undo the effect of the war we started. Gosh, if only we could rewind to, say, four weeks ago when the Strait of Hormuz was open and normal!

hey, a clip of my conversation with Dan and @zachsims.bsky.social on My New Thing! full episode linked in Dan's thread.

Had a great talk with @ugarles.bsky.social about wrestling and weight loss this week!

ICE is filling in for TSA so we’re all about to walk past piles of empty shoes and pretend we don’t see them.

Raising the voting age to 65 as we enter another Vietnam. Invest in the next big thing: dynamite.