Doing butterfly taps with my therapist and she kept saying "tap it in" and I just kept thinking "just taaaaap it in, give it a little tappy, tap tap tap-aroo" and trying not to giggle and that's why I'm in therapy

We need a name for the little doop that always gets stuck to the middle of the bottom of the Reese's Cup wrapper. I propose "the peanut butt"

Found an additional graphic that gets even more of these quotes together. I've kept "I hate myself, I hate clover, and I hate bees" pinned above my desk since I first started studying evolutionary biology as an undergraduate. So relatable to get extremely frustrated with your study system.

I don't know why I'm so surprised that James Van Der Beek's death has hit me so hard, we watched Varsity Blues recently for the sole purpose of getting him a royalty check, in case that's how that works

Let me take you on my journey

If you know a historical secret (who was the Zodiac killer, how Roman concrete was made, the location of the cabin where Panic! At the Disco recorded their lost album) it would be really funny to post it with the words "sportsball" and "superb owl" so nobody sees it. I promise I won't tell

Pronouncing “cheater” like “theater”

Trying to explain the tow truck wars to people not from here is sure something.

We were watching a TikTok about a monkey and I said "That monkey looks like someone, like an actor, but I can't figure out which one" and Mark said "what?" and I said "Who am I thinking of?" and he said "What the fuck are you t-- how am I supposed to kno--" and I said "Robert Downey, Jr.!"

Nazis! (They weren't Jewish, just nopers)

No homophobe but these Queer Eye guys cry too much, this man is sobbing over the concept of a 40-year relationship and it's just like, calm down buddy, we've got a medium season ahead of us

The next book in the John Dies at the End series is UP FOR PREORDER NOW, in all formats, at all retailers, including SIGNED EDITIONS. There Are No Giant Crabs in this Novel: A Novel of Giant Crabs: Signed hardcovers: parnassusbooks.net/giantcrabs All other formats: bit.ly/crabscrabscr...

Seems unfair that you only get to use the bouncy slide to get off a plane when things have gone wrong. The bouncy slide should be a treat they give to the best passengers who did the flight correctly.

Too bad. I'll do it anyway. "And then Tyrion found Tysha and they lived happily ever after and had 10 babies." Stop me, dead man

Please don't ask me why my brain works like this, because I don't have an answer

This could technically be true if he has a tiny bruise. A widdle bruisy-woozy on his tum-tum

Well, after many sort of layoffs, I've finally been sent to the big layoff in the sky, so if I've ever written or edited for you and/or you want me to, idk hmu. I promise I will write in full words at such time (and hang onto your enterprise far longer than is reasonable).

Really took that long to figure out eh Malin

🎵 thank you for being an ent 🎵

"You better stop calling us murderers or we'll murder you"

Found your mom at the aquarium today

Gonna start sitting uncomfortably close to people who use their phones at full volume without headphones in public and blast "Never Gonna Give You Up" while staring relentlessly into their eyes and doing the head bob from "Night at the Roxbury"

Literally just read this in a different article, and yeah, like, dude, just let go

Some of this CES coverage sounds like things a seven-year-old boy would tell you on the way home from school to which you can only respond, "That's great, buddy"

Who needs AI I have this

Just watched the new Knives Out and I think it's really important you know that the scene in the Seminary's Gym is filmed in the same place Rick Astley filmed the music video for Never Gonna Give You Up. I saw the window tracery and immediately made my friends pause the film so I could tell them.

"but you're not ready for that conversation" baby, I'm not ready for any conversation. Don't talk to me

*to my left ovary* don't you listen to them

How come only some movies get makeup collabs? I want a One Battle After Another palette that makes me look like I've been fighting Sean Penn

Sure, but hot take, we SHOULD have people in our lives who don't get mad if we ask stupid questions or forget things and who verbally appreciate our suggestions and observations. Key word: PEOPLE. But it sounds like this guy doesn't, and that's maybe the problem

I feel you, screaming chicken who is also the statue of liberty

My 17-year-old made me a handmade pop-up birthday card with a little guy flipping me off and inside it said "happy birthday dick, ur old lol" I love them so much

Excited to announce that my next book, I AM THE NIGHT, not only has a great cover but is available for pre-order now: us.macmillan.com/books/978125...

Bullshit-ass fairy tale country

Okay Sagittarius queen

Every book is called either "The Almond Croissant Cafe" or "Choke Me, Himbo Dragon" and they are for the same person

gimme yule gimme fire don me now with gay attire

Come in here and say it to my face bih

Never forget that Charles Dickens was a massive fuckboi

Why do they call it "making biscuits"? It's a quick bread, you don't knead it. They should call it "making pizza." I have it on good authority that cats love Italian food

Getting this in my size could fix everything

Mr. President, I will resume tourism to America and get thrown in one of your posting gulags if you get The Nice Guys 2 made

Once again thanking my lucky stars that I haven't done anything awful enough for people to dig up the terrible, terrible evidence of my teenage musical aspirations

I think we're all being really unfair to Butthead, he might not be as anxious as Beavis but that's just because he never had the opportunity to develop a moral compass

Don't worry too much how you look. Sweet potatoes are always fucked up and gross-looking on the outside, too, but everyone loves THEM

Buying the paperback just to confirm that that's actually the title and not just a bit Jason is doing, genius marketing right here

Hot take, Annie Wilkes was a good editor actually

Anyone who's spent any time with a 15-year-old knows they're just big five-year-olds

please enjoy these very cursed dog boxes I found

found out where you work