"a goofy movie": a humble title. why it's not even necessarily "the" goofy movie. we simply, respectfully offer you this story for your consideration "doug's 1st movie": the hubris of icarus. the unbridled audacity to imply that this is only the 1st chapter of the Doug Cinematic Universe. pathetic

yeah, tell me more about moral clarity as you signal boost Spencer Pratt

objectively very funny that all the republicans crying about talarico eating a potato and egg breakfast taco have already pledged their undying loyalty to an enfeebled new yorker who survives on diet coke and the phantom of the opera soundtrack. not that it matters. not that anything at all matters

A friend of mine who was TA’ing for an AmLit course found a copy of Moby Dick a student had left behind. It had only one marginal annotation, around page 100, that simply said “whale is important.”

generally think that if your response to "this is loser shit" is "are you triggered?!?!?" then you're just demonstrating the truth of "this is loser shit"

after 14 years as one of Congressman Brad Sherman's constituents, for the first time ever, I got a call from his campaign urging me to vote for him in the primary

By god inject this into my veins

GET HIS ASS, ZOHRAN

first Heat. now Speed. as soon as he takes the stage and makes a Fifth Element reference he will immediately become president

me after I started playing Old World

Ironically, her main advice to the city as Heat officer was don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat.

this is my last week writing for a true crime/conspiracy theory podcast before I start my new, better job. my final assignment is to write a history of COINTELPRO. fortunately, I've decided not to let myself get emotionally affected by any of the research! gonna be a chill week. [five minutes later]

electrified and vibrating at the thought of new MST3k being created right now, as I type this

Kash Patel somehow running up an $11,000 tab at The Acropolis

local news is on at the doctor's office: hantavirus outbreak coverage. updates on how many people have signed up for President Trump's million dollar gold card visa. robot monk joins a Buddhist temple. AI-generated personal injury attorney ads. I am trapped in the first 5 minutes of RoboCop.

they've run out of hands to plug IVs into. next time we see him there's going to be a third hand Cronenberg'd onto his back, complete with poorly applied makeup to try and cover the IV site

I flew Spirit Airlines once, LAX to Newark. I didn't bring a carryon, paid $30 extra for a bulkhead seat with more legroom, and thoroughly enjoyed the inflight entertainment (a guy tried to vape in the bathroom and all three Jersey-ass flight attendants yelled at him in front of the entire plane)

John Wick (2014, dir. Chad Stahelski)

It’s a good thing when the gasoline costs An XCOM Amount, right

EXTREMELY NORMAL GUY COMING UP WITH THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU COULD USE HIS NEW TECHNOLOGY: you could watch yourself fuck a dead woman

TOM PERROTTA AND DAMON LINDELOF: we created the chain-smoking nihilistic cultists of the Guilty Remnant as a cautionary tale THE CUT: should we all join the Guilty Remnant, as seen in the HBO series "Don't Join The Guilty Remnant"?

wow this must be tough for James Comey. he thought he'd been cleared of criminal wrongdoing, and then at the last minute the investigation gets reopened in a really flashy way for no particular reason.

this is america. you could find yourself within 100yds of a shooting at any time, in any place. school, the grocery store, a movie theater, a block party, a public park… it happens to regular people every day. but this week we’ll get 50+ weepy op-eds because it happened to the guys who write op-eds

Jake Tapper tearfully apologizing to Trump for inciting violence with his divisive pocket square

I went to have cocktails to celebrate the giant meat grinder but then someone turned on the giant meat grinder and it was really loud and scary. and you're laughing

I’m sorry for everyone who almost got shot at the orphan crushing factory but what were you doing at the orphan crushing factory

I'd love to read a paper on how the bloc of American TV viewers who cooked their brains on The Price is RIght and reverse mortgage infomercials later met up on Facebook to recreate fascism from first principles.

trying to flirt with republican house staffer: so..... *giggling* which hearts of iron iv tno subid do you relate with most strongly? trying to flirt with a democratic house staffer: i couldn't help but notice you have a complex relationship with the video game fallout new vegas. let's explore that

lulled to sleep by the soothing sound of RFK Jr. breathing directly behind him

I like my cities to be sittable, shittable, and public transittable.

reading the name of each ingredient out loud like the end of Tubular Bells

make sure you choose a password that contains capital letters, numbers, and special symbols so that someday the data broker who purchases your info can go "ooh good password" after your login details are inevitably leaked in a data breach you can do nothing to prevent

why can't all 80something Democrats be like her

Releasing the minions into the 40k verse and watching them be paralysed by choice.

people who say this act like if they weren't at the airport they'd be at home curing cancer. what exactly are your big plans for your extra 45 minutes at home you fuckin loser

Yes, the fact that I'm attending the White House Correspondents Dinner might SEEM like a supine gesture of complete deference to the insane dullard who demands total obedience from the press, BUT that's until you see the secret message I have on my pocket square

i will give the press corpse this — going to the trouble of printing a couple of lines of the first amendment out on a sheet of fabric to express your fears about encroachment, then folding it up and putting it away in your suit pocket *does* send a message. it’s just not the message they think.

Smoking that shit that makes you feel like KTMA era Crow.

[me, highly caffeinated, writing a podcast script about a Chilean cult during the 1970s] "I should probably give the listeners a little bit of context about what was going on politically in Chile in the early 1970s. I'll just have to be normal about it, since this is for work." [five minutes later]

my employers are always telling me to stop posting about teleporting but it never makes the news

"it's important for the vice president to be careful when I talk about matters of public policy"