The Nobel Peace Prize becoming so prestigious that wars are fought over a head of state coveting it is some real monkey paw stuff for Alfred Nobel.

😚👌

I am a single-issue voter and that issue is "this candidate should be smart enough to win an argument with noted idiot Ben Shapiro"

"the guy pooping in the reservoir is criticized by both sides, therefore he must be doing something right" please use your fucking brain

yeah i'll vote for gavin newsom under extreme circumstances. like say we're on a life raft and need to decide who to eat first. or our plane crashes in the andes and we're figuring out who to barbecue for dinner. or if we're wagon-bound and stranded in a frozen pass over the sierra nevada mountains,

GAVIN NEWSOM PRESS OFFICE: Looks like Jeff Epstein's best bud took a break from molesting kids to send his fascist goons into Minneapolis. Here's some tips on how to wash your eyes after getting tear gassed. GAVIN NEWSOM: great point Mr. Shapiro, they DO serve too many meals in ICE detention

YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE TO HAND IT TO A "DEMOCRATIC" CANDIDATE WHO GLEEFULLY DESTROYS UNHOUSED PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS ON CAMERA, THROWS TRANS PEOPLE UNDER THE BUS, AND GOES ON THE GODDAMNED DAILY WIRE TO AGREE WITH GODDAMNED BEN SHAPIRO THAT ICE ARE NOT TERRORISTS.

Also, people going hard for Newsom, who are never, ever from California, have you noticed how many of the people who hate him are FROM California? THAT'S B/C WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ELECT GAVIN NEWSOM AS THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS & IT IS VERY NOT GREAT & WE ARE TRYING TO TELL YOU TO AVOID THAT.

I love when you tell people how terrible Newsom is, they're always like, "Well, it's nice to have ideals, but if it comes down to him or the Nazi in the general, *I* am going to vote for him" WE'RE TELLING YOU HOW TERRIBLE HE IS NOW SO IT'S *NOT* A CHOICE BTW HIM & A NAZI, CARL. THAT'S THE POINT.

my high-quality kidnapping was a huge success, I captured my target and only killed 40 innocent people along the way. I am the protagonist of a Coen Brothers movie

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

Everyone at the party was hyped when I showed up and it felt good but later I found out the bene gesserit had already been here for thousands of years seeding the myth of the “crazy ass white boy “

if you are talking today about how bad maduro was and were alive, at all, during the run-up to the iraq war you are potentially the dumbest person to ever live

Are we really going to see an attempt at nation-building by a bunch of drunks and speed-freaks overseen by a man who can’t stay awake through a whole meeting

Shit!

it’s stupid to not use ai just because it can induce psychosis and generate child porn. it’s like saying you’re hungry when there’s a hot dog on the ground outside that induces psychosis and generates child porn

i think if you ride public transit enough you learn that most weird behavior is not dangerous, and conversely i think driving a car teaches you that everyone is trying to kill you at all times

Anna Nicole Smith? The supporting actress from The Hudsucker Proxy?

Gavin Newsom threw trans people under the bus the second he believed it would be politically popular to do so. But even though every poll shows that taxing billionaires is extremely popular across the political spectrum, he's refusing to budge on this issue.

all I want for Christmas is for Roy Brocksmith to throw me from the 45th floor of the Hudsucker Industries building (counting the mezzanine)

*at a christmas party* oh Rudolph is your favorite reindeer? That’s cool yeah yeah he’s pretty great *in reindeer chat* BlitzenBoy92: at the work thinh. take a guess DonnerTime: buncha dolphies? VixenLover: fuckin lame bro just keep ur cool change the subject The Dasher Enjoyer: thinh

You will be visited by three spirits The spirits:

if bari weiss had tried to do 9/11 there'd be three towers now

bari is the standard bearer for the media types who think any journalism that leads the consumer toward a left-wing position must be tempered and balanced until it doesn’t.

I'm putting together a team

really important thread. It's so powerful seeing all the facts laid out in print like this

just what everyone wants in a troubled economy: a check that goes to someone else

Gabbin Newsmon knows that posting quotes fawning over Ronald Reagan will get massively ratioed on Bluesky. his team is clipping the most vitriolic responses to put in an ad where he says "the radical left HATES ME but I get stuff done", which will air in Iowa and South Carolina in January 2028

Again I say: how fucking interesting that remote work technology is bad and not worth adopting despite all research pointing to productivity gains, but genAI which offers NOTHING is so important to adopt and force on people who have no use for it despite all the horrible things genAI does

Redistricting everywhere is how we make sure Marie Glusencamp Perez isn't the deciding vote on every piece of major legislation in 2029

"people with renaissance-level art skills don't exist anymore" yes they do their username is something like 03748218_ and they spend all their time drawing pornography so deranged it'd kill hugh hefner a second time

event insurance is such a ripoff. if I have to cancel my wedding because of a nuclear war, they won't pay up. even if it's an accidental nuclear war!

even if Gabbin Newsmon was out there saying "trans rights are human rights" every day he would still be a fundamentally shithouse governor who came into office promising to solve California's biggest existential crisis and then spent eight years making up excuses not to

Sinners (dir. Ryan Coogler)

are we still on about em dashes and ai. imo human writers should just use the em dashes even harder. we should be out here pummeling out those em dashes like we're emily dickinson

I rarely go to bat for a streaming service but I can say Tubi is the one that most accurately captures the video store experience.

I bet they have great Wings

MORPHEUS: They're coming for you, Neo. I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say. Take the elevator to the lobby and go to the CVS across the street. Purchase 5 Steam gift cards at $200 each. Scratch off the protective coating on the back and tell me the fifteen digit redemption codes. Hurry

everybody in Trump's cabinet has their own sociopathic pet projects, so it's kind of funny that his transportation secretary is mainly interested in litigating a bunch of commercial air travel grievances. "don't wear sweatpants on planes! airports serve too much junk food!"

if every 81-year-old Democrat took as much joy in hating the Republicans as Senator Lucas does we would be in a much better place

[a raven arrives carrying a tapestry of a penis] [a second raven arrives bearing a message] ha ha sorry was messing with my loom didn't mean to send that [a third raven arrives] unless...?

the arc of male stupidity is long, but it bends towards Jupiter

Hakeem Jeffries tweet: President Trump could be striking Venezuelan boats with missiles made by an American small business but he chooses not to Bill Kristol tweet: The Romanov children would have grown up to be Nazi collaborators