If your financial situation means you could take a year off work and maintain your current lifestyle, and you STILL don't think money can buy happiness, then you are doing it wrong and you should be stripped of your privileges. Because if you can't be HAPPY with that, then you don't deserve it.

I performed this show ONCE in 2019 at the Children's Comedy Festival. It won BEST SHOW. Then I never performed it again... UNTIL NOW! No kids? No stress! This is a show for ALL ages. Leave your maturity at the door and treat yourself to an hour of wholesome silliness. wegottickets.com/event/659615

Just overheard a woman on the train start a sentence with, "This is how random I am..." before explaining that she'd booked a holiday based off a Facebook ad. You're not "random", Sharon. That's a textbook example of how targeted advertising works because of how unbelievably predicatable you are.

"My Dad asked me to name that thing which comes back when you throw it." "Boomerang?" "Nah, he texted."

My problem? Too many people believe in me. How can I be the hero of my own story when all the supporting characters are like, "Yeah, we knew you'd do it." What the hell sort of motivator is that? Tell me I'm attempting the impossible. Tell me I'm foolish. LET ME PROVE YOU WRONG GODDAMMIT

Come to my next preview with ace @bechillcomedian.bsky.social www.jokepit.com/comedy-in/lo...

South London! FAMILIES IN NEED OF FUN! We're back at @southlondontheatre.bsky.social on Saturday 19th April, with @vanderlaugh.bsky.social, Paul Duncan McGarrity and @bechillcomedian.bsky.social! Stand-up! Silly stories! High chance of a moose singsong! 🎟️ www.ticketsource.co.uk/slt/comedy-c...

Happy Friday, you made it! Why not treat yourself to a well-deserved night of laughter at The Glee Club? 🥳 Guaranteed to keep you in stitches will be Jacob Hawley, Mike Rice, Billy Kirkwood & @bechillcomedian.bsky.social! 😂 Go ahead, BOOK NOW 👉 bit.ly/BhamWeekendCom

Abercrombie & Fitch employee: Hi ma'am, can I help you? Me (holding up a travel fork): Hi, yes, could you point me in the direction of the applecrumble and fish?

IYKYK

I love Emille 😭

mrs. gennaro I am sorry to have to tell you this but your husband was killed in a work accident. they made dinosaurs real for fun and he got eaten by one while sitting on the toilet. he wasn’t using it he died abandoning children

This weekend I'm reading Dead Ringer by @bechillcomedian.bsky.social Probably reread the other Horror Heights books too, they're very fun

All us millennials want is the autonomous vehicle the early 90s promised us:

if you’re having girl problems i feel bad for you son, i got 99 problems and they’re all luftballons

sure clowns may make me laugh so hard all day with their big floppy shoes and outrageous wigs and colorful makeup, and yeah they dazzle children of all ages with amazing balloon animals and honk basically the funniest horns in the whole world, some of em even get out of a small car. forgot my point

"Whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," was a dickhead." - my Mum

Films are so needlessly woke and complicated now. Whatever happened to simple, relatable plotlines? Like a normal white guy who turns his cornfield into a pitch for a bunch of baseball ghosts so he can meet his dead dad?

MUM: What's the name of that drug you give someone to make them forget something? ME: Uh... hmm.. I can't remember. MUM: Oh good, it's worked.

I like to think of it as a trolley *opportunity*

A few of you have pointed this out - I'm intrigued and flattered!

self-awareness is such a scam bc now i can see all my problems AND i still have them? rude

wearing several slightly different wigs over the course of a work day just cause i like being squinted at

SHOCKED to learn that NONE of my trans friends are Olympic athletes. NOT ONE!!! It's almost as if what sporting events people think they should and shouldn't be allowed to compete in shouldn't bear any weight on the validity of their existence or basic human rights...

BOSS: who is working the morning shift COWORKER: i am BOSS: and who is working the night shift ME: i pm

What happened to Peter Parker is farfetched, even for comic books. I mean, sure, being bitten by an active spider is believable, but I've never heard of someone being bitten by a radio - let alone at the same time.

good emails to get: -you have been accepted to free money program -darling, i am madly in love with you (from hot person) -we would like to publish your book/produce your film/build your cathedral bad emails to get: -all others

ME: Alright. Time for bed. G'night brain. BRAIN: WAIT! Quick question before you switch me off... ME: ... BRAIN: Remember that flash-animation song about the horse? ME: ...yeah. BRAIN: How did it go again? ME: Look at my horse, my horse is amazi- F**K YOU BRAIN BRAIN: 😈

Only unmuted accounts will get this: Thank God for the mute account setting

Gnocchi suffers from I'm-pasta syndrome.

<Jeff Foxworthy voice> If folks often ask you whether you have a therapist... ...You might need a therapist. If you insist you don't need a therapist... ...You might need a therapist. If someone reposted this hoping you'll finally get the message, then, hah... ...ah-you might need a therapist.

I feel like my friends and I pretended to dowse a lot when we were young. Kids don't use makeshift divining rods enough these days.

Flashback to the 24hr stomach virus I got a few weeks ago...

Hello bsky music/instrument expert folks! Please explain: at point does a "long whistle" become a "small clarinet"? Please include your credentials so I know the information is accurate, thank you.

My WiFi password? Yeah, it's: capitaleyeTHENTHENUMBERSIX3exclamat!onMarxBUTTallinLOWERCASE

Comedy Podcast of The Day @drunkwomenpod.bsky.social Ep322 @bechillcomedian.bsky.social talks about the time she became a Belgian crime statistic, and helps solve a case surrounding a woman who deserves a medal or 3 for all her illegal efforts #comedypodcast open.spotify.com/episode/6QOq...

Venue: Is @bechillcomedian.bsky.social available for a gig this week? Us: We THINK she's in Australia. Bec's Instagram: VERY COMPREHENSIVELY, YES.

As it is time for the annual unintentional Amassing Of The Ramekins, please share/reply with your creative ways to reuse these ceramic bastards...

Don't bother with these. I tried them and not only did ALL the children escape from my cupboards and drawers, but my cabin is RIFE with babies, so they're getting in SOMEHOW 🤷‍♀️

Oh good. So glad this was caught on camera.

EPISODE 115 [LIVE]: Pants on fire. Featuring Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian.bsky.social), Stuart Goldsmith (@stuartgoldsmith.bsky.social) and Lizzy Skrzypiec. Recorded as part of @cheerfulearful.bsky.social. Listen via any podcast provider or lateralcast.com/episodes/115. [📷 Paul Gilbey]

I cannot stress how long this had been going for before this video even begins.

If a clown falls in a forest and no one is around to laugh, is it a joke?

Tissues are the thinnest you can slice a tree. They're basically wood carpaccio.

Possibly the best response I could have got.

I wouldn't even want to get on a high horse anyway. Who knows what it would do in that state.

Context is important. To us, astronomers are impressive scientists. But to stars, they're perverts.

Whoever said oysters are an aphrodisiac had clearly never tried to have sex with one.

We should get "WhatsApp Wrapped" stats. - You were added to 47 groups! - You left 46 groups! - Your most common typo is "z" instead of a kiss. - You sent 268 hours of voicenotes to 3 people! - Your most commonly used phrases were "5 mins late" "closer to 30" and "I'm pooping!"

Here's some of the amazing people joining @robinince.bsky.social on the bill for this year's Nine Lessons family matinee on Dec 14th! Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk and all profits to charity as always!