Always love the way FIFA reminds you on a very regular basis that football is utterly broken beyond repair.

Still can't quite believe that "I only said 'gas the Jews' in a non-hurtful way" was the strategy Nigel Farage opted to go for

[bursts in panting covered in Sharpie]

Yep

"Keir Starmer needs to be assassinated, someone needs to shoot Keir Starmer." I think this might be incitement to violence rather than Free Speech.

A bit of Mr Blobby in Paranormal Activity to get your weekend going.

Well behaved train dog this morning

I just can’t believe it! My dear dear friend Ozzy has passed away only weeks after our show at Villa Park.

Ozzy Osbourne visited my magic shop. He said he'd like to buy some stink bombs. How many? All of them. I had to go through drawers finding every last one. He bought 900 of them. To sign the credit card slip I handed him a shock pen, which he thought was hilarious and bought that too. RIP

Just started watching this vid, and I can honestly say: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

“And, now on Newsround we go over to Reg Turnill to talk about today’s events in space.” “I don’t give a shit John. Also, I’m dead.”

Opinions differ #totp

Service stations on the M4 never fail to deliver when it comes to short stories.

Sorry, but a tariff on racey pub peanut boards is a step too far - even for me.

Remember taping this from the chart rundown on radio 1 on the Sunday afternoon #totp

Here we fucking go #totp

Not sure what the person behind me on this train is eating, but it smells like dog food

Having a pint on the Oxford Road in Reading. Someone has just put "Institutionalised" by Suicidal Tendencies on the juke box. Bloody hell, haven't heard that in years

The Lord’s Prayer

First time I've seen the new artwork at Reading Station lit up at night, think it looks really good

While idly scrolling, I chanced upon this still from Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot, and for a brief second I thought "What, there was an American remake of Minder?!?"

There it is.

BENNET ARE IN THE CHARTS! BENNET ARE IN THE CHARTS! THIS IS NOT A DRILL #TOTP

In January 2021, during the third national lockdown, I pulled into this deserted pub car park to turn the van round and found a lamppost and a bin engaged in lively conversation while they thought no one was looking. Incredible.

And then I really did crash the economy

Been watching a lot of Teletubbies with my 1yo. Absolutely incredible move from the producers to include Pennywise in the red balloon episode.

Decent bit of snow for the first time in a few years

Tell your vampire lords apart with this simple rhyme: Medallion and cloak? It's that Dracula bloke. Teacosy and smock? Why, it's Count Orlok.

Out of office switched on until January

Obligatory Viz cartoon #totp

The Tony Rich Project #totp

Not going to lie - the way our street is lit up right now has me going all Tommy Woodrooffe.

Here is my Chas 'n' Dave story. #TOTP

Ernie Wise and Val Singleton. Up the Arse Corner.

I would not tell anyone if I had won the lottery, but there would be signs.

Okay Bluesky, this is the greatest thing I have ever made and now it’s here for you. Mr Blobby in the Virtual Insanity video.

He still looks like someone pumped John Barrowman full of mayonnaise.

are those my only two choices?

Kevin Eldon, Matt Berry, Bridget Christie and others recreate the Sex Pistols/Bill Grundy incident, except everyone is Amish. youtu.be/0NQphQZXhFM?...

There's an absolutely adorable child on this train reciting the alphabet and after K, he keeps going "ello mello P" and honestly his lusty affirmation of life, of hope, reminds me that once again I have forgotten to bring my fucking headphones.

How is everyone? Everyone 👇🏻

Harry Enfield and I have signed these gorgeous prints for Teenage Cancer Trust. Go to their online shop for details. Jam sandwiches not included. Fank yoo! 🤗😘

i don't know why women even bothered putting on underwear in the 70s

unlike you I get my news from a reliable source www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/1097...

#olympics