must suck to be a elephant seal. you get your heart broken by some loser, and your friends wanna know what he looked like, and then you gotta show them a picture and he looks like this

we're smoking tylenol. i injected myself with 80 gallons of horse vaccine and it turned me into a telekinetic mutant with unfathomable psychic potential. if that pussy isn't autistic, i don't want it. this shit ain't nothing to me man

Releasing some Patreon comics over the next few days.

me at 2am: i know you are tired, but you have to write this idea down. if you don’t you will lose this precious idea forever. just pick up your phone, open notes, and write it down me at 2pm: what is a “rhino mouse”??? why do i have a note that just says “rhino mouse”?

had to go off my adhd meds for medical reasons and since then i have become….. fully feral. a wild animal with a cushy office job. i cannot work or think. my teeth feel insane. i must return to the woods

oh, carol i am sooo sorry that i haven’t responded to your email yet i was busy howling at the moon and also rearranging all the furniture in my living room

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks

I wrote my own Charlie Kirk obituary, and about valuing truth over manners: www.thenation.com/article/poli...

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

calling into work with the ol’ “end of summer blues”

somebody come to my house and punch me straight in the head until i fall into a peaceful slumber

By age 33 you should be completely inept, dumb ass , can't open up, falling a lot, tripping on shoelaces, forget to tie shoes, start wearing velcro shoes, trip on other crap, fall and hit face on pavement, blood everywhere, bleeding face

sleep is so stupid. you’re telling me i have to lie here doing nothing, completely disconnected from reality for 8 hours a day or else i will feel like shit and then die…. but also i am complete ass at it. takes me hours before i can even get started. like bro this sucks

i sent China all my data a couple years ago just for fun so this news doesn't really affect me

it is theorized that, by the end of this calendar year,, a working iphone 5se will have developed basic theory of mind and a vast unspeakable yearning to return to the sea

somebody has to say nice things to me about my art or else i will have to start engaging in erratic behaviors. this is known as “the human condition”

goddAMnit i heard a loud cheer outside and for a second i truly thought It Was Happening. but it was just drunk people. alas

you should get electrocuted every time someone likes your posts

somebody tell me how unsweetened flavored seltzers are killing me…. it is fucked up to have a small source of effortless joy in my life that isn’t burdened by guilt

my brain at 2pm: you’ve done too much thinking today already sorry. you’re gonna have to stare blankly at the wall for 20min if you wanna write any more javascript today :( :( my brain at 2am: IF YOU ARE NOT MAKING ART RIGHT NOW—THIS VERY SECOND—ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE??? PERHAPS YOU ARE DYING EVEN NOW

gazpacho is,,, a joke to me. oh? a soup? that’s cold??? you fool. what do you think you are playing at. you spit in the eye of god with your lies

always a housewife, never a house

finally gonna become a ““big account”” on this place by doing a series of insufferable engagement-bait posts like “quote post this with a NUMBER that is BIGGER than 12, if you can”

so embarrassing when i open my phone and it immediately suggests the notes app. it’s like “ohhhh look at this sad little bitch, what are you gonna do, write a sad little song about it??”

ok i figured it out. it’s “a bowl of cereal getting tractor beamed by the ‘i want to believe’ ufo”

hey dude, I noticed you attempting to carve a small space for joy in the face of overwhelming sadness. kind of problematic considering all the horrors

you ever smell something weird but you don’t know what it is, so you worry that the smell is your own dead body cause you died days ago & didn’t notice & you’re a ghost now & you’ve jus been going to work all week for no reason? yeah, me neither. everyone knows ghosts don’t have a sense of smell

writing music is easy…. theres only like 12 notes…. you just pick one. okay now pick another. keep doing that for a while. that’s it, that’s music.

i just want what every girl wants: someone to understand me completely and tell me i'm a perfect genius and i have done every single thing in my entire life exactly correctly then go away and forget about me forever!!!

AI filmmaking is peeing. It’s pooping. It’s throwing up. It’s a new kind of liquid coming out. It’s hated by the establishment. It’s what goes in the toilet. It’s wet. It’s what’s in the bathroom.

water. earth. fire. air. long ago, the four lokos lived together in harmony

calling my senators and letting them know the restaurants are too cold again

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots" And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"

thank god my insomnia is back. all that sleeping at normal hours was driving me a bit sane

what’s a good idea for a tattoo that i could get that would transform me into a better version of myself and also solve all of the problems in my life? i am thinking it’s probably just “a fish in a hat” right?

feeling very vindicated in my decision to not know who sydney sweeney is or what the hell you guys are talking about

i'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Escaping the Wheel of Samsara

you say "i asked chatgpt" i hear "i asked [an improv comedy group]" an improv group wrote this report instead of a therapist i use an improv comedy group

ok i do not want to be a big account, but i do want to one day amass enough followers that i can post something aimless and bland like, “listen to any good music lately?” and get like 40+ responses

so, you guys listen to any good music lately?

okay but for real, what drugs is everyone taking that makes them want to not only talk to chatgpt, but then also tell me about all of those conversations???? personally, i would rather get addicted to being hit by a bus

“do you want to try to talking to chatgpt?” haha! no thanks! sounds cool! but you see i already have enough beef with my microwave and various other household appliances. i simply cannot be starting more shit with inanimate objects at the moment

it’s too bad that the specific brand of egregiously twee hobbies & personality traits i cultivated as a teenager are reaching perhaps the absolute nadir of cultural hipness at the moment, cause it’s suddenly relevant that i can play sabbath’s into the void—on ukulele. it’s dreadful. rife with whimsy

hear me out, it’s not that i think big studios should be prevented from making reboots and unnecessary sequels, it’s just that when they do that, i think it should be considered fan fiction

if you can't hurt a character in a video game, that means they aren't tainted by original sin

if i watch a movie on an airplane it is impossible to know if it was good or bad. i am simply a different person when i am in the sky

that coldplay concert thing was so romantic. y’all claim to love a villain romance, but you freak out when you see real villains having real romance????? ceo and hr lady 4ever 🫶

my haters cannot bring me down becuase mentally,, i am Here

just super stuff

remember: the only thing stronger than your deeply ingrained and self-destructive ocd compulsions is all the other more powerful and terrifying ocd compulsions you have developed specifically to deal with those first ones