life hack: wanna save time and energy? try showering less! you may be wondering how that works. well it's like this: it doesn't matter if you shower or not. in fact, it doesn't matter if you do anything at all. that's because nothing matters. that's right folks—you're depressed.

alas, if only there were some way to use my platform (roughly 1000 disinterested accounts on a completely irrelevant microblogging platform) to do something actuall ly meaningful (personally lucrative morally bankrupt)

i have no idea what the movie forrest gump is about. not one single notion. it could have aliens in it. or santa claus. or full frontal nudity. maybe he buys a zoo. nobody tell me, it is important to my lore that i remain ignorant of thi

chopped unc implies the existence of a joined or united neph—such a being would be the epitome of cool

everything else aside, thank gosh i was born at a time when i can lie awake at midnight watching 7-year-old episodes of middling british panel tv shows in 45-second increments, rather than having to feel a single one of my feelings

this needs to get 15 likes so i can have enough dopamine to get me through the workday

had a dream last night i ate a hotdog and everyone in the dream was like, “wtf you’ve been a vegetarian for 20 years” and i was like, “yeah so? i can have one hotdog every 20 years who cares” and so i ate the hotdog and it tasted disgusting and it made me sick. that was the whole dream

that “posts more than 50 times in one day” label is wild…… buddy i do not have that many *thoughts* in one day r u kidding me?!!?

Goku can never have sex because of the power imbalance

*climbing out of a very dark hole carrying an absurdly large and ostentatious new electric guitar* well folks, i’m back!!

3:19am I believe in us. We will be okay. We will see communism in our lifetimes. I love you. 3:44am Burning all my paintings. My art is a waste I am sorry for wasting so much time I will never be good enough 4:31am if kirby swallowed a pirate he would be Scurby

I am personally trying to make this platform more toxic and hateful.

hey don’t bother the shrouded woman with the lantern who walks by the river at night she’s chill

life hack: if you don’t have a therapist right now, you can just answer the phone the next time the sweetwater sales guy calls, and dive straight into it. jeremy is not allowed to hang up on you, you can just tell him everything

so it works like this. i DO NOT believe in god or any sort of higher power. but I DO believe that everything bad is my fault because god is punishing me for my Sins. got it?

i need better vices….. i should get addicted to like.. falling down the stairs or something. workaholic just isn’t cutting it imo

this emoji is completely psychotic 🤗 wtf is her problem..,, i am afraid for my life

You can either start a scam, work for scammers, or deport 5-year-olds. Those are the only 3 jobs now.

getting the shit kicked out of me while the Twin Peaks theme song plays

thinking of going on a downward spiral—anyone need anything from rock bottom?

they should invent a version of water that you actually want to drink

i am often ashamed of my Millenial Past but i was hanging with some gen-z pals last night and they fully lost their minds when i showed them pictures of me from like 2011. “YOU WERE BASICALLY ZOOEY DESCHANEL??!!??!” they were screaming. and sure, back then we all were. but they don’t know that.

POLL: who would win? ⃝ the fragile beauty of the human spirit ⃝ t̴h̵e̸̢̟̮̚ ̶̙̰͑̀̌h̷̘̙̪̝̝͉̆o̷̯͔̩̯̫̳͑͑̈r̵̡̨̹̙͕̮͉̭̋̅̚̚r̵̨̠̓̈́̃̚o̷̙̭͎̫̲͜͠ṟ̷̻̝̎̀s̴̢̜͇͕̦̫͕͔̍̋͋̋̂́

shout out to all the folks who are holding it together “surprisingly well” this fine wednesday. you’re all doing great, sorta

these should all be mass-produced. every single one.

they will try to make you login to the toilet but the people only want to put a log into the toilet

[after every single pitch] that’s baseball for ya

men will say they like radiohead, but then they don’t like it when i am a creep???

people in the row in front of you on airplanes love to be watching the fakest-looking marvel movies imaginable

forum wars took over the government. the 10,000-page thread spilled out into the streets. people are getting their doors blown open and hogtied so that nerds can win an online argument. they tanked the dollar and fucked the economy permanently to own you

no rule on the books that says you can’t do an improv routine at quaker meeting

confident that if they could, cats would smoke cigarettes

getting "the surgery" (98 additional legs)

must suck to be a elephant seal. you get your heart broken by some loser, and your friends wanna know what he looked like, and then you gotta show them a picture and he looks like this

we're smoking tylenol. i injected myself with 80 gallons of horse vaccine and it turned me into a telekinetic mutant with unfathomable psychic potential. if that pussy isn't autistic, i don't want it. this shit ain't nothing to me man

Releasing some Patreon comics over the next few days.

me at 2am: i know you are tired, but you have to write this idea down. if you don’t you will lose this precious idea forever. just pick up your phone, open notes, and write it down me at 2pm: what is a “rhino mouse”??? why do i have a note that just says “rhino mouse”?

had to go off my adhd meds for medical reasons and since then i have become….. fully feral. a wild animal with a cushy office job. i cannot work or think. my teeth feel insane. i must return to the woods

oh, carol i am sooo sorry that i haven’t responded to your email yet i was busy howling at the moon and also rearranging all the furniture in my living room

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks

I wrote my own Charlie Kirk obituary, and about valuing truth over manners: www.thenation.com/article/poli...

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

calling into work with the ol’ “end of summer blues”

somebody come to my house and punch me straight in the head until i fall into a peaceful slumber

By age 33 you should be completely inept, dumb ass , can't open up, falling a lot, tripping on shoelaces, forget to tie shoes, start wearing velcro shoes, trip on other crap, fall and hit face on pavement, blood everywhere, bleeding face

sleep is so stupid. you’re telling me i have to lie here doing nothing, completely disconnected from reality for 8 hours a day or else i will feel like shit and then die…. but also i am complete ass at it. takes me hours before i can even get started. like bro this sucks

i sent China all my data a couple years ago just for fun so this news doesn't really affect me