Idea for World Cup opening ceremony: Donald Trump very, very slowly dribbles the ball towards the goal, as Harald Schumacher thunders towards him.

John Spencer v Kirk Stevens. Last 16, Crucible Theatre, Sheffield 1980.

*Sean Connery voice

That explains the dubious stains in the foyer

There should also be a 2026 edit of *A View to a Kill* where James Bond finds out about the plot to destroy Silicon Valley, thinks for a moment, and then wanders off, hands in pockets, whistling.

A colleague didn’t recognise me in my glasses so I tried to joke “I’m Clark Kent” but accidentally declared “I’m Ken Clarke”

Did somebody say bev regino?

"Tom, you should be really careful how you say the word BOSH"

You can tell tonight's Michael McIntyre show is a repeat with the words, "Who doesn't love this man?.....GINO D'ACAMPO!"

Hot Chocolate first draft was way off

Supergrass lead singer #TOTP

over on nextdoor a guy named darryl has told me i'm a bad mother because i taught my three year old to "body shame" cybertrucks

See yer da finally went on that holiday of a lifetime

“And while we’re at it, Ted Cruz is definitely not the Zodiac Killer.”

“Just read another story about me being locked in attick, completely false.”

"I mean, I'm not on the child protection register......YET!"

If you see this drop a hero with a sword

Legitimately, give me a period-piece sequel to this. Give me the fallout of Superman's secret identity being outed as part of the Watergate scandal. I am ITCHING to read this story.

If only someone was desperate to impress Jodie Foster right now

I saw *cough* Coldplay supporting Muse at the Glasgow Garage *even bigger cough* 26 years ago. Also saw Oasis in a tent at T in the Park in 1994. Think shakermaker had just came out. That was brilliant to be fair.

Yer ma after a glass of Pinot

I have never seen an albino fry-up like this in the wild before.

Showing me showing you

Artemis ii

forgot the most important of the genre

From Aaron's dad in Daytona Beach

"Some absolute cunt has put a fucking tesla up here"

These astronauts will travel around the moon for 10 days and are set to travel the farthest humans have ever gone, with the exception of the time humans went to the toilet in Wetherspoons.

LOOK AT THIS

“I was just trying to make a new cancer treatment, honestly…”

wouldn't it be funny if EVERYONE blocked this Attie AI account @ bsky.app/profile/atti... before they could do anything with it

“I've just injected steroids into my arm" "Anabolic?" "No, just my arm"

"....and another time, when he was at Turnberry he went round in 35........and there was also that time he invented the question mark"

She'll have to turn up at the town hall to return her giant novelty key

Dunno how I'm going to manage waiting years between not watching season 1 and not watching season 2

The attitude that anywhere can be an Edinburgh Fringe venue is getting out of hand

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

I see Question Time has reached its inevitable endgame. It was bound to happen.

NEW: Rupert Lowe vows to personally overdub all instances of 'Hare Krishna' in George Harrison's My Sweet Lord with 'Harry Ramsden's'