My job, reluctantly agreeing to my hours reduction request while I try to manage my autism: "Okay after 3 months of pointless delay we agree to this, but now we will move you around every week instead of you being in the same place" Me:

Why are my cats so interested in my skirting boards lately. What's in there

I have been signed off work with Autistic Burnout. My brain: oh we could cook some healthy meals and actually get all the washing up done... My body: Need more lying down before attempt to microwave lunch

I've spent a lot of time in the past week sat on the sofa next to the cat. This evening while in the pub, I absent-mindedly STROKED my friend who was next to me 😅

So far this week someone has texted me to say their Dentist appointment went well, someone else to say they are making meatballs in 5 days time, and another person to say their dog likes looking into the mirror. I love my friends 😊

Accidentally made a stupid comment on a popular Instagram account's post while very tired on Friday. So far it has 3400 likes and countless replies 😭😭 FML

Recently a lot of things have happened that have made me feel good about myself, and a lot of things that made me feel bad about myself, and I just wish I could maintain a sort of neutral position rather than dealing with these wild swings in my self-esteem

Trying to prevent future loneliness/sadness by making sure I have scheduled in plans for my days off. Now irrationally angry at people who haven't confirmed plans with me.

This weekend I have been applying emollient to a toddler for the first time, and now also for the first time I have applied emollient to someone whilst running behind them #AuntyLife

Decided not to put up my little artificial tree this year as the cats always attack it 😂 Today I saw someone in difficulty asking for a free one online so gave it to them instead. Perfect Christmas vibes 🎁

I accidentally went shopping in town today. Wondered why Boots was so busy before I remembered it's "Black Friday" 😅

I realised this week that I'm probably a bit low in mood. Have been calling sick for work (different reasons) but also not going out, not eating much, not washing up. Whoops...

Can we get this flipping petition to 100,000?? We really need to know how Russia has fucked up our country and who enabled it ( farage? Just asking the question)

Wide based, stamping gait: cerebellar ataxia

I'll see your seal, and raise you an owl.

This might be an unpopular opinion but what this baby seal is doing is very special to me, personally.

I don't want AI generated art, I want AI emptied dishwasher

Thinking about starting one of those accounts that posts photos of their pets with captions written from the pet's point of view. My gimmick would be that my pet is a japanese spider crab and the only thing it ever says is "I'm going to get you"

if your emperor doesn't pretend to idly conduct their chamber musicians with a poultry drumstick during feasts then theyre washed

I really hate the advert for baked beans where the man spends his entire holiday crying because he packed beans and his luggage was lost. Poor bean man give him some beans

Fesshole Live is coming your way! Get tickets for Leicester, Luton and Leeds. We’ll also be touring Sweden – Malmö, Göteborg, Stockholm – and doing Anon Opin in London and Leicester. https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

I hate that self-checkouts tell you to take your bag after paying. Oh I should take my food with me? The food that I came here expressly to purchase? The food I have exchanged currency for and is now mine? Honestly if I'm too stupid to take it home just let me starve

Shout out to the people who put "just ask me" as their bio on dating apps because I simply will not be doing that

It's kind of very obvious that Netflix are releasing the final Stranger Things episodes over 3 months so that they get 3 months worth of subscription fees, isn't it?

😭😭😭

Thanks to announcements from exasperated train drivers, I now know that my regular train has 24 doors on each side and holds 1500 people.

Goal achieved: more letters after my name than *in* my name! Dr TragedyOfErrors MBBS BSc(Hons) MRCP DipGUM CoSRH DHMSA AKC

My top autistic trait is that I never ever want to give someone a tour of my house. You know what a kitchen looks like. I know you know what a kitchen looks like. Please let's not attempt to talk about it

My friend is crowdfunding to buy a medical device: a special suit that reduces muscle spasms in Cerebral Palsy! Please donate if you can! Please also like and repost! We are trying to raise 6k! fnd.us/32ZfXc?ref=s...

A woman just reached across the tube carriage, between other people, to tap me and specifically offer me a seat 😭 damnit do I look pregnant #JustFat

Going to IKEA, anyone want anything?

Just tried to send someone a flirty message without coming on too strong. Decided on simply sending this emoji 😘 and an animation filled the screen with hearts. Kill me

Just woke up from a little morning train nap to find the man next to me sat bolt upright, wearing a blindfold (sleep mask?) which was... something

Got told "super well done" at work so I'm gonna be riding that high for at least a week

Why are they asking me what allergies I have when I go to Nandos. Do you know how hard I had to fight the urge to say "chicken"

Deeply disappointed to hear that the Israeli Navy illegally stopped the Global Sumud Flotilla 75 miles off the coast of Gaza. This was a non-violent mission to break the IDF’s horrifying siege and deliver food and medicine to those who need it most.

This is Annie. She is a dental therapy dog. Her job is to help patients experiencing anxiety by providing emotional support. While dentists go through years of schooling to treat patients Annie is able to lower their blood pressure and reduce anxiety just by being there. 14/10 (TT: funny.bunny9215)

Shoutout to people who bake banana bread and then give other people that banana bread

Nodded off in my training course today and all the other Doctors laughed at me 😂😅

me: and I would like the rice to have a little hat server: ..a wha-- me: A LITTLE HAT, OR I SEND IT BACK

One of the questions I get asked the most as a middle aged man with a guitar is " Why don't you fuck off?".

Person I sit next to in the training course has always come late and missed the free breakfast so today I kept a plate of food for her. She thanked me, didn't touch it, and I noticed her quietly disposing of it during the break 😅

New Olympic Sport: attempting to put a hoodie on whilst on public transport, without punching the person sat next to me.

Attempting to bake a vegan, gluten-free, penis shaped cake. The batter looks like someone ate Weetabix and vomited it. I have a bad feeling about this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Today in "just making incredibly fucking bad decisions" I texted a guy who already doesn't want to date me that I'm in love with him. Why did I do that Why He hasn't replied

Congrats on your new baby! Your world is going to open up to so many new experiences! Many of them will be viruses

It is fucked up what they did to the headphone jack

Planting bulbs is so exciting! It's like a little present to myself for next year 🥰