Can none of these millionaires sex criminals write in full sentences? Have you heard of paragraphs? Punctuation? No wonder ChatGPT sounds like a genius to these clowns.

Goonfellas

Good evening, I've had a lovely time with my wife and daughter. The only thing that could improve tonight would be news of the president of the USA spontaneously combusting.

Don't worry about me, I'm just doing the 'going out for a curry' dance.

Nice one Private Eye! Out now... 👍

"I'm a night owl!" All owls are night owls. You a regular owl.

The Truss graph is a work of art.

I don't generally watch Coronation Street but my wife was watching it the other day and Our Rita from Johnny Briggs told her character's bisexual brother that he was, and I quote "half rice, half chips" and I'm still chuckling about that.

Humans gave it a good go with the Enlightenment thing. We put dents in irrationality, the tyranny of kings and religions and superstition, the belief in nonsense. We elevated the value of truth and rationality, of rights & freedom, of humans as individuals with dignity. And then we didn’t like it.

Everyone would lose. Forever.

FB will be snided out with people claiming judges know nothing about the law.

TAKE MY MONEY

TAKE MY MONEY

Genius.

"It's just going to be cowering meekly for us from now on"

Taurus: Make time for your family this week. You might need a kidney some day.

Tell you, mate, I was absolutely steaming last night.

We went to Tesco's yesterday and I saw that Piss Morgan has a book out called "Woke is dead". It's a fascinating sales strategy, writing books aimed at people who can't read.

We should listen to him, he probably knows a thing or two about letting voters down.

Sometimes I wish we didn’t have to consider it. It’s not fair those of insufficient intellect get to avoid it.

At times in like this it is incumbent upon those of sufficient intellect to consider the ever pressing question.... "What the fucking fuck??"

NGL, tonight's gig was about as good as we've ever done. Properly buzzing.

I didn't smirk at this. Nope.

What a world, eh?

Funeral today. Too many this year.

Maybe they heard about the poppies on every fucking lampost and are looking for the opium farm.

We've had police helicopters before but I don't recall a police plane being this interested in our locale before. Been circling for an hour now.

You know, as a gardening professional, it's that time of year when people ask me "Chris, what's your favourite autumn leaf?" and I always give them the same answer.... Fuck off.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November, Cider, sausages and setting fire to shit.

*approaching cheese section in supermarket* oh I see. The fucking part timers have turned up because it's Christmas. Fuck you. Fuck YOU. I'm here getting stilton every damn day of the year and you useless fucks come along in November and want fucking APRICOTS in it. You SAVAGES. You SCUM.

This account smells like.. Scotch egg and Guinness farts

Things we did: Built this city. Shot the sheriff. Things we didn’t do: Start the fire. Shoot the deputy. Things we want to do: Break free. Know what love is. Things we will do: Rock you. Anything for love. Things we won’t do: THAT

It's 4th of November and the van is showing 16C and I'm thinking of having my jumper off. Stupid.

It will take a very good argument to convince me that legalising pepper spray is a good idea. If it's readily available to people to protect themselves from attack, it's readily available for thugs to use it to attack others.

I don't want to RT any of the farage stuff. It's so depressing that people trust him. I'd love to smash his face in with a cricket bat.

I've just recalled the entire lyrics to the middle eight of the theme tune to 90s sitcom "Watching". What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Local church is carpet bombing poppies for Jesus @remembrancewatch.bsky.social

It's all a load of performative bullshit.

Just had an invoice paid that I sent out four hours ago. Now that is fucking spooky.

Embracing the darkness* *Sitting in the dark so the little bastards think we're out.

Loudspeaker: "King kicks disgraced Andrew out of royal mansion" Whispers: "and into a different one"

This joke is so dad it can draw you a picture of how to wire a 13 amp plug.

Decorating the house for Halloween* *Boarding up the windows so it looks like we've moved out.

Andrew, you have been evicted. It's time to leave your big brother's house

Early heads-up, anyone struggling to think of suitably scary activities for Halloween: call your friends and family on their landlines

All the Labour government had to be was not shit. Wasn't a very high bar, given how low the Tories had set it. Staggering to see how far they've missed it by so far.

The developer should probably get in touch with some medical researchers, as I doubt they've ever seen such an extreme case of micropenis before.