Sometimes ur newborn wakes at 4am and u rush to prepare a bottle and then she just lays there and stares at u as if comprehending existence for the first time. And it's v sweet but would be even sweeter at like 1pm.

My two week old got a VERY good grade at her checkup today! She's already grown an inch and gained 11oz on top of her birth weight!! One thing about my child is that she grunts loudly when she sleeps and eats. We call it her working her shift in the mines. Doc confirmed this is fine 🫠

This is my sad time of day. It is the time when I wait for the mail to come. It always makes me very unhappy.

As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website

The problem with newborns is that they're adorable and cuddly and just want to be held but u can't sleep while holding them. Or shower. Have gotten better at eating and doing laundry while holding one tho. 👍

WE’VE SEEN THIS WOMAN MORE THIS WEEK THAN WE HAVE ALL YEAR WHAT IS GOING ONNNN

One was not meant to stay awake until the NYT sends out their Morning email...

No one in the world is more alert than my daughter at 3am

I guess it was just user error which makes sense when u factor in the timestamp on this post

U can't explain to ur newborn that her brand new bottle warmer just died and that's why her bottle is taking longer than she wants.

I'm just going to say it. People who breastfeed exclusively for any amount of time are the strongest, biggest badasses in the world.

we got rid of the president of unavoidable high grocery prices to elect the president of avoidable high grocery prices

Facebook meme: In the 80s, we wanted The Cure so we got into The Cars and drove to the Culture Club. It was all Talk Talk on the way there 🤪 Every reply: my son is too clothes minded to understand this. he’s even beginning to dislike breads/toast and im starting to become afraid

The fifteenth song on my all time Spotify playlist is off TTPD. The previous 14 songs are all from folklore and evermore. That's just WILD. I've been on Spotify for 14 years 💀

No one has ever seen a child more awake and alert than mine after she finishes her 1am feeding 🥲🫠

You don't get to decide what you mention.

Ur local tiny family was the biggest bravest crew around and went for a walk today. It was harder than I expected. My body is still recovering from, u know, delivering a baby 9 days ago. Hoping to try again tomorrow and keep building up that strength.

is this... a good taylor swift joke???? oh my god i thought i'd never see the day

sure gas is headed to $8/gallon but at least cornell got rid of their gender studies classes. or at least i think they did, i haven’t checked and if im being honest i wouldnt really know if they had or hadnt because it doesnt affect me but it makes $8/gallon gas all worth it

"they get up to debauched things in that church!" The debauched things being holy communion but with queers involved and included as full and complete members of the community.

The Episcopal Church welcomes you

My youth group put together a basket full of books for my baby's library with a swiftie book plate in each with their names. 😭😭😭

Nobody: My best friend’s week-old daughter, sound asleep in your lap: *grunting noises akin to an offensive lineman hitting a squat PR*

Beloved is running errands today while I remain in the newborn bubble. He mentioned he needed to get gas and was dreading it. "Why?" "Bc it's over $4/gallon now." "Oh God that's right bc we bombed Iran."

One week into being a mom... Why do newborns sleep like that? She sounds like she's working in the mines. Girl stop grunting! It's sleep!

happy 100th birthday to david attenborough!! an asset to the human race 😍👏🏼🌍

Unironically this was perfect comms strategy.

First youth group of my maternity leave... Missing my youts tonight but snuggled up with a 4 day old is a great way to pass the evening. 🥹

Tired: vaccines for children Wired: tanning beds for children

funniest thing i’ve ever seen

Baby's first doc appt, which means it's Mom and Dad's first time getting ready to leave the house at the same time but also getting her ready after surviving our first night of cluster feeding. 🫠

Night two at home with a BABY I gave BIRTH TO 4 days ago?!?! Quickly realized we needed a bassinet upstairs and downstairs or we'd be isolated to one floor of the house forever. Bought a covered one for downstairs so we can set her down and not worry about the cats. First doc appt tomorrow AM! 🙏🏻🙌🏻

Got 1.5hr of sleep in my own bed! First time since Thursday night! To celebrate I think I will feed the baby and go back to bed 😅

First night home with a three day old baby. Have slept exactly 3.5hrs in the past 48. I have three cats and a dog and the bassinet wasn't ready bc she literally came premature. We will figure this out. Bc we have to.

Why does hospital jello hit different? Science cannot explain

Baby E is here and has realigned my entire solar system. 🥹 Beloved and I are doing well.

Anyone know how to stop singing Never Grow Up to ur one day old newborn? 💜

Honestly, my takeaway from visiting the British Museum today is that every empire that is of this world will crumble and fall, and only the Word of God endures. ⚓️

When I say I'm an evermore girly, I mean it will get me thru labor and delivery 😤🫶🍂

TOAD WILL NOW DANCE, AND HE WILL BE WONDERFUL.

Close enough… Welcome back The Eras Tour🥹🫶🏻

did a good post accidentally show up there

I have reached a level of pregnancy malaise that only the west wing can heal

Nothing in the world has made me more radically pro-choice than my experience as a pregnant woman who deeply desired and wanted this. Three weeks from due date and forcing someone to go thru this against their will is one of the cruelest things I can imagine.

Leuchtturm girlies stay winning

Where is the lie though.

What would it feel like to have a brain like this

after our date, i was thinking that you could kiss me - out of the bearded barley - beside the green, green grass - beneath the milky twilight - down by the broken tree house just lmk your preference

One of my favorite moments from my baby shower was when I was opening gifts and I received a big parenting book and my nearly 5yo godson goes "oh! A chapter book." 😂 Yea buddy ur not wrong