Hahahahahahahaha

Lmfao

One day this week I was so certain I’d caught him just after he’d eaten a hair tie but I couldn’t prove it and then nothing happened for several days so I started to think I’d been wrong. Anyways he threw it up this morning finally. Vindicated as always.

Blexas Cometh

New bumble intro question: if you were an umpire what would your strike 3 call be

ACCIDENTI every time a rocket explodes

does anyone else remember the Italian Elon Musk and French Elon Musk parody Twitter accounts

Former UDems President @jamestalarico.bsky.social campaigned for Obama in 2008, getting students to vote for him. Now, President Obama comes back to Texas, to campaign for our next U.S. Senator!

The weather in Austin rn feels like fearless by taylor swift

Nobody: My best friend’s week-old daughter, sound asleep in your lap: *grunting noises akin to an offensive lineman hitting a squat PR*

my mom doesn’t have any socials so I tell this for my own joy: when she was 20 years old she had this locket she inherited and on one side she put a picture of her own dad and on the other she put a picture of Steve Martin she took herself on his Wild and Crazy Guy tour

The key thing about this is that saying "cars don't even work" undercuts your ability to criticize cars, because you need to reckon with the fact that the reason they're popular is that on some metrics they work so uniquely well

why don't you just say "I want a bunch of people to quote tweet me because ive got the Sickness." i don't demand that other people tell me their insane opinions. i put the work in. i follow and befriend insane people and i harvest their delusions naturally

my friend and her boyfriend and I went to a bunch of breweries today for this annual month long beer festival every May in Austin and at our final stop of the day, after he had been DD-ing us around all day, my friend and I tried to analyze his kibbe body type

I have normal opinions about most things

"i want to hear your spiciest opinions!! i want your HOTTEST TAKES!" fuck you

Sara watches movies bc she doesn’t watch too many and wants to catch up thread

Joe burrow will not reach elite status as a quarterback until he finishes his Saturn return

Monitoring

feeling very vindicated about all the years i spent money renewing my season tickets for dogshit texas teams now that we're kinda good again, new ticket availability sold out in like 3 hours today. but i did my fucken time!!! i watched tom herman coach football!!! I watched us lose to Kansas AT HOME

I think I’m gonna go walk to the sub shop for a sandwich :)

I’m reading the Britney Spears memoir and honestly she should be allowed to have a gun

houses can sense when you have more than $5000 of leisure money sitting around. they can become evil and break on purpose.

montreal? the team of Shane hollander?

I’m as skeptical of AI as the next person but we’re reaching new levels of derangement if we’re peddling in Instagram comments the idea that the Austin Greenbelt creeks are going to be empty next month because of data centers

Bestie went into labor tonight to deliver a baby and I went to a bar with soft serve, huge night for us both

A tradwife on Twitter told me today that I didn’t know what taste was because I have a nose ring

New Kacey does go stupid crazy

Related 15th anniversary

An animal who did a hairball directly into my Birkenstock tonight and now will not look me in the eye

You can move platforms but you can never fully take away Twitter

Comics mostly post clips of crowd work on social media so they don’t burn their material before shows. Good performing comics don’t do sets of just crowd work.

He’s a stand up comic…

It would actually probably be good for him if he sucked MORE so he doesn’t have to be banished to Arizona

Arch is gonna go first overall and some SEC burner with a Kiffin profile picture is going to be crying and shaking in the mentions of the announcement about the UGA tape

a good name for a horse would be Kris Klipclopperston

Every Trump rally in 2016, 2020, and 2024:

Choosing to blame my weird mental health days the past couple of days on the notification I just got that I should get a period in the next “two weeks” 😌

wow it’s almost like allowing constant frictionless access to gambling in everyone’s pocket and integrating it deeply into sports coverage has negative social consequences

Reading this list like:

I still get these updates and don’t know how to turn them off

If Teddy Roosevelt could eat at Applebees

it’s time for dianna russini to reactivate her socials and go on the offensive

The three genders

My friend just broke the news that Klay cheated on Megan at the pool and I got so upset I had to go get a drink

spare a moment to wish mike vrabel good luck with his counseling today

have muppets always served in integrated units or did Truman have to integrate Muppets into white units

“Yeah so we’re actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?” said Patel, spilling his Don Julio as the bottle girl feigned interest in his long, rambling story.