In 2026 I would like to reduce the extent to which I’m directly controlling major world events with my thoughts.

Quite pleased to see that someone else watched Nope and realized what needed to be done

Still in the 'Refusing the Call' stage of my Hero's Journey. (Technically no one has called, but I'm fully prepared to refuse if it happens.)

2026 is going to be an interesting year for me, behaviorally speaking.

I could make it work anywhere. Except Texas. They know why

I have finished my second tarot deck

When a dive bar has touchtunes and i'm 5 beers in playing The Worst Music anyone there has ever heard... that's the Real Me.

How to reinstall headphone jack on iPhone

I like discordant music and low brow establishments

Modest mouse voice

Invader Zim, who did NOT die

Invader Zim, who did NOT die

[frank sinatra voice] I got molly I got white I got molly I got white…

Holidays make me so miserable :)

Ocean heating defies all earlier projections. We are on the worst possible track. Yet this has completely vanished as a topic of conversation in America.

Shouting "Yes chef!" after the neighbors dog commands me to commit heinous criminal acts in my father's voice

Scarface is a Christmas movie

Mars Attacks is a Christmas movie

“piece be with you” I smile and give my son a single lego piece for christmas. the roof then caves in on us and I scream “let’s get it” because I wanted my last words to be different

Should I get really into caviar

my husband cheated on me with a jumping spider

Insane that Chevy Chase spends the whole movie wishing he could cheat on this woman she should kill him

“He blew him, Brendan. He blew Bubba and now Putin has a picture of it. Makes sense though. If a guy sucks your dick you have to invite him to your daughter’s wedding, it’s part of the code. The brojob code, Brendan”

Wrapping paper don't glide like it used to

@grok ai reagan dying of aids

People are still using teflon pans ? Fr ?

I love giving people presents :)

here's my 2026 bingo card

Tracking Santa and his eight tiny reindeer on Life360

keep fighting

You have been judged and found wanting

My local public library system is so unpleasant it drives me to drink

Had to kick my Hinge date out because she started stripping on my Festivus pole

absolutely wild move by @oversightdemocrats.house.gov to allow comments on the dropbox folder with the epstein photos

Nothing tastes as good as unemployment feels

They should make a shower for girls that sprays cool water on your hair and scalding, blazing hot water on your body

let me just say, as an idiot, umm

I was so fascinated by Shrimp Melatonin that I learned how to make it

Short n sweet little mixtape for ya 👇👇 on.soundcloud.com/J31QWrDgYOIy...

It's so cool how logging into any website for work is now a 9 step process that also involves my personal cell phone

President currently feuding with a beloved American comedy icon who was murdered 24 hours ago.

Programming my roomba to kill

I tell my dog to bite first and ask whether it’s gay npr humorist David Sedaris later

Is this HP bar half full or half empty

Chat is it good that Hakeem Jeffries and House Democrats positioned ICE Megacontractor Geo Group’s 3rd biggest Representative donation recipient to be the head of the committee that oversees ICE and CBP’s budget after he was pardoned by Donald Trump

An ICE Air flight carried migrants from Alexandria, LA, to the US Naval Base at Guantánamo Bay today—the first migrants held at GTMO since October 17.

it can only bad happen

Went to a kickback tonight and everyone was talking about how old they feel :/

Nw