Like, one of the reasons massive amassing of wealth is so upsetting, aside from the inhumanity of it all, is that we are all forced to deal with the midlife crises of extremely stupid men

“AI regulation is bad because god” is so stupid only Peter Thiel could have come up with it

Bad news guys. I got rattured. It’s like being raptured, but I am a rat now. As such, I will only be interested in nibbling from here on out.

In case you are worried that everything js bad, the Charlie Kirk tribute that was supposed to air over Kimmel has 68K views in YouTube, the world’s most popular website. The retrospective of Maru, the recently deceased internet cat that charmed us by getting stuck in boxes, has almost double.

Appropo of nothing, here are some delightful photos of congressional candidate @katmabu.bsky.social teaching my toddler how to fight with swords

jk this is the most fun thing I have ever worked on

This is the most fun thing I have ever done, and please beg us to make more ads, please god

The most utopian thing I can imagine at this point is a strictly segregated media environment of propaganda slop and the people who don't mind it (nobody likes it) and then an entirely separate economy of people who actually like reading, listening to music, watching films etc.

This is a US president *cheering on* the silencing of voices he does not like. It’s hard to think of anything more profoundly unAmerican.

I think you'll find that this isn't true.

I see that Daily Mail (ew, but they have been right on this one) reported this kid was currently attending an electrical college, which is a PRETTY IMPORTANT DETAIL NO ONE IS MENTIONING

Yo! MTV Extends Its Condolences (The Onion was actually pretty spot-on here in terms of what the general mood on TV was like in the weeks after 9/11)

Hrm, can’t wait to see dem leadership offer a clear throated condemnation of this lie, and issue a strong call of support for the left. Certainly they won’t sleep on this vital opportunity

A wild thing for the literal president, who uses the military as his plaything against his enemies, to say in a special address to the nation from behind the resolute desk, when a motive is not even known

I will be making no statements at this time

I dunno man, the last five days have made me proud to be born, raised, and currently live in Chicago. My tiny baby city deserves so many kisses on its head.

Sure, you could sift through the financial disclosure reports yourself, but think of all the papercuts. Invest with Subversive ETFs today. www.subversiveetfs.com

Nonstop bad faith at 'The Argument', the bothsidesist rag funded by right-wing sympathizers with ties to Peter Thiel and Third Way. @tomscocca.bsky.social and I yakked about it at Flaming Hydra (free to read no paywall) flaminghydra.com/yakkin-about...

The Eternals was one of Marvel’s most interesting, compelling, and fleshed out movies and it deserves to be treated as such

The team at America’s Finest, the Onion’s strategy arm, is helping @subversiveetfs.bsky.social highlight the insane contradiction that congressional trading should not be legal, and only in America is governmental insider trading this unregulated. It’s really fun—and crucial—work. Check ‘em out.

ONION TRUCK

@bencollins.bsky.social Found your truck!

The Onion News Network truck will be driving around Chicago today, including a protest downtown, delivering pivotal ICE coverage to our neighbors. If you spot it, please let us know. In the meantime, subscribe to The Onion. membership.theonion.com

The Onion News Network truck is currently stationed outside the Broadview ICE Detention facility just outside of Chicago.

With ICE in @theonion.com’s backyard, we sent a welcome.

Our children will ask us about this the way we asked our parents about ‘68

Legal insider trading!

In which I admit, out loud, I was wrong.

no, we don't carry the new york times we sell *real* newspapers here

Ren Posting

Wait aside from the hand thing, which is weird but not imminent and his refusal to show his face during a holiday celebrating unions, why is everyone thinking this is it?

I, for one, am going to the Ren Faire tomorrow.

HEY FLAMING HYDRA ROUNDTABLE ALIEN: EARTH RECAP DECAP-AROOOO @mariabustillos.com (HOST) AND I (PARASITE) DISCUSSED EPISODE No. 3 OF *ALIEN: EARTH* AND LOST OUR WAY BUT WE LEFT A TRAIL OF TINY DISGUSTING LITTLE XENOMORPHS AND FASCISTS AND MADE IT BACK flaminghydra.com/podcast-alie...

Please let anyone involved in the posting of this never know peace. Tell their children. Let their children feel shame.

Everyone's screaming about how the left doesn't compromise and I keep saying I will vote for this guy. I am a communist who will vote for a billionaire. Centrists, tell me about even one instance when you have compromised like anything close to this. Or at all.

Parker and I look like we got our cool dad to bring us

Pals we gotta truly commit to this bit and get them at least in the top 5

OK SO THIS WAS SO UPSETTING. @josie.zone what do you say

I say some wrong things, like there is no such thing as a good TV show with a bad pilot. But I also say some right things, like Alien3 and Alien Resurrections are truly horny

ALSO TODAY: Part 1 of a very special PODCAST in which @josie.zone, @leilza.bsky.social and @mariabustillos.com recap ALIEN: EARTH. flaminghydra.com/podcast-epis...

Omg omg omg I fought so beautifully with @josie.zone and @mariabustillos.com about Alien: Earth. Please listen to it because these are the only opinions worth considering. roundtable.flaminghydra.com/12

When you don't even understand the culture war you are fighting

The land bats are at it again

Eddie Izzard did an incredible bit in her 1999 stand up about how an all trans army battalion would stun enemies, but given the right's absolute FEAR of trans people, I think I know how we fight ICE www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlNf...

increasingly the way i think about the language models is that, if we consider text-based social media as an MMORPG called “Discourse Warrior”, they have now put out a single-player campaign

“no”

yo @danielbiss.bsky.social @laurafine4congress.bsky.social @bushraamiwala.bsky.social get on Kat’s level and come by the AEW show

Fantastic Four was totally serviceable! It would have been a barnburner in 2012! But having a well acted superhero movie feels like a low barrier of entry today?