Tonight, the woke returns. It will creep into your bedroom and trans your children. It will teach your neighbors how to speak foreign languages. It will force you to eat DEI sandwiches. The woke will slip 293 genders into your underwear drawer. The woke awaits you.

[me, yesterday, watching the Arabic Zohran ad] dick cheney would die if he saw this

[Dick Cheney on his way to hell] My belief is I will, in fact, be greeted as a liberator

Bluesky friends, everybody who comes to this special live taping gets a HUNDRED DOLLARS! (Not true)

Happy Devil’s Night to all those who celebrate with the hallowed texts* *The Crow, 1994 (Dir. Alex Proyas)

DOJ managed to spell Kat Abughazeleh's name wrong 3 of 9 times they use it in the same document

I am sorry but this is the funniest shit I have ever seen. Look at these fuckin thugs

It Is Their Time

when trans people take HRT to feel normal: “look at these depraved sex freaks performing their sick fetish in public, we should bully them out of existence” when cis ppl take HRT so they can fuck real good:

This is a post for a very slim overlap of the internet, but we all would agree that Bandit Heeler owns at least Tender Prey and MAYBE Murder Ballads, right?

I worry that cyber trucks and scentmaxxing and protein bulking are discouraging young men from trying to attract women in the natural way, which is playing shitty covers of Blackbird on the guitar

When your printer runs out if ink

@bencollins.bsky.social and I had a lovely chat with @indiewire.com.web.brid.gy about the fact that we do, in fact, deserve nice things if we want to make them www.indiewire.com/features/int...

The cats are plotting to kill me again

Media, don’t do deep dives into the people behind the frog suits. I do not want to milkshake duck the frog suits. They are the one nice thing we have.

my mother and my father, both former journalists for BIG BIG places, each have a paper subscription to The Onion. they love it. they think it's the best thing they get in the mail. anyway, if you want real fun things in the mail, maybe also subscribe to The Onion. membership.theonion.com

DEAD MAN’S BONES RULES

You know, landing doesn’t scare me But you want me to take off? Absolutely not

Charli vs Taylor is my own personal Ta-Nehesi vs Ezra

Here's a picture of @kaylapekkala.com and @leilza.bsky.social from earlier

Ready for a night of cinema with @theonion.com

@bencollins.bsky.social Just got out of watching Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile (I was watching it with my Mom and we both weren't really interested in watching Sex House) and THANK YOU for FINALLY exposing the truth about Epstein!

The legendary Balboa in San Fransisco has added another showing: www.balboamovies.com/calendar-of-...

Haha I did the thing with my name we used to do on twitter. Do the thing with your name, do it

We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall theonion.com/we-re-runnin...

there will inevitably be a backlash against One Battle After Another as there is when everyone universally praises a thing, but holy shit it was so good best film I've seen this year. and the last few months in america could have been a viral marketing stunt for it. it felt *that* urgent.

*cough* anyone have an ftp I can use?

New Orleans, come see The Onion’s movie!!! ticketing.useast.veezi.com/purchase/666...

Also, Williamsburg Cinemas' showing of Bad Pedophile in Brooklyn is now on sale here: www.hk-cinemas.com/movie/the-on... And those who tried to book at Laemmle NoHo in LA but couldn't because of the technical term "website actin funny," that's been fixed! www.laemmle.com/film/onion-p...

Hey all! The North Hollywood link is now working: tickets.laemmle.com/seats/00001-...

BROOKLYN IS LIVE!!! www.hk-cinemas.com/seats/00001-...

this is a real video eric adams posted today.. not sure he remembers he's running for mayor or what at this point

MISSOURI COME THROUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH

Here’s the promised ticketing link for the Onion Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile & Sex House double feature link: www.esquiretheatre.com/movie/the-on... Tickets are only $5, so get your tickets now! One show only! #Cincinnati

SEATTLE JUST ADDED! thebeacon.film/calendar/mov...

I am just hijacking this to say that I now have the email address [email protected]. Anyway, we got this into so many theaters. OWN YOUR PIPELINES. SUPPORT INDIE MEDIA. DON'T BE A SEX PEST.

what if we kissed on the pretty freight machine

A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

THIS IS THE MOVIE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE. As the story explains, this was a struggle to get out there. If you are an indie theater or performing arts space who wants a night of comedy, please let me know and I will get you the DCP. October 2, y’all.

THE ONION IS COMING TO THEATERS Y’ALL. TICKETS ON SALE SOON.

Like, one of the reasons massive amassing of wealth is so upsetting, aside from the inhumanity of it all, is that we are all forced to deal with the midlife crises of extremely stupid men

“AI regulation is bad because god” is so stupid only Peter Thiel could have come up with it

Bad news guys. I got rattured. It’s like being raptured, but I am a rat now. As such, I will only be interested in nibbling from here on out.

In case you are worried that everything js bad, the Charlie Kirk tribute that was supposed to air over Kimmel has 68K views in YouTube, the world’s most popular website. The retrospective of Maru, the recently deceased internet cat that charmed us by getting stuck in boxes, has almost double.

Appropo of nothing, here are some delightful photos of congressional candidate @katmabu.bsky.social teaching my toddler how to fight with swords

jk this is the most fun thing I have ever worked on

This is the most fun thing I have ever done, and please beg us to make more ads, please god

The most utopian thing I can imagine at this point is a strictly segregated media environment of propaganda slop and the people who don't mind it (nobody likes it) and then an entirely separate economy of people who actually like reading, listening to music, watching films etc.