guy who has only ever eaten applesauce (but never store brand, not again, not after the incident) and testicle consommé, attending his first passover seder: you guys think this is the mott’s of ball soup?

the US Navy is "urgently hiring" morticians

So tell me man, how’s this years crop of war widows looking?

“There’s no blood on my hands” —— jesus who cannot tell the truth

Yes, and a socialist should be in charge of the tent. Oh is that not what you meant?

As a graduate of American public schools, I know the following things about political economy: capitalism - no down sides communism - evil socialism - didn’t we just cover this?

My daughter comes home every day from preschool with increasingly colorful and involved artwork, so imagine my pride when yesterday she emerged with this

My daughter comes home every day from preschool with increasingly colorful and involved artwork, so imagine my pride when yesterday she emerged with this

Thinking about the time I got matching Japanese chopsticks for my wife and me — for me the mighty phoenix; for her the humble titmouse

[farmer who for his entire life has been under the mistaken impression that carrots are actually called “carrot vegetables” even though he farms carrots, facing down a once-in-a-thousand-years blight that has wiped out his entire carrot crop and left his family destitute] my carrot vegetables

ELITE 50 GOAL SNIPER COLE CAUFIELD

Shocking admission out of the White House today

This situation would be much better if you all thought more like me, a brain-poisoned internet goblin

Maybe a decade ago I was at a Massachusetts dem convention (im sorry im trying to delete it) and I got bored so I went to the side hall and played basketball. Then the most awkward person I’ve ever met walked up and tried to talk about nonsense while I was hooping. Long story short it was Brianna Wu

2015: "cryptocurrency will cut down the power of state-aligned central banking, thereby democratizing finance and gradually freeing the world from the shackles of Big Government!" 2026: "Generalissimo announces new initial coin offering for RansomCoin" www.ft.com/content/02ae...

They pay me in woims. The thin, writhing rations of empire, protein tossed to keep me digging. They call it “wages”. I swallow, survive, sharpen my teeth in the dark, waiting for the day I spit back the soil and bite

Every time there's a "ceasefire" Israel starts killing people like an alcoholic binging one last time on the way to rehab. Then they don't even check into the rehab.

Σ 𓁆 1111 🗣️🫳🏻

this - except you quit

Maybe a decade ago I was at a Massachusetts dem convention (im sorry im trying to delete it) and I got bored so I went to the side hall and played basketball. Then the most awkward person I’ve ever met walked up and tried to talk about nonsense while I was hooping. Long story short it was Brianna Wu

You just know we’re going to nuke them and then say it only looked like we nuked them because we dropped a regular bomb on their nuke

astronaut [returning from the moon ten days later to a planet pockmarked with mushroom clouds]: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I believed the astronauts the first time they said they spent their 40 minutes behind the moon doing science, but the more they repeat it the more I’m convinced it was a no holds barred fuckfest

astronaut [returning from the moon ten days later to a planet pockmarked with mushroom clouds]: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The present age, in its fevered haste, has bartered the rich tapestries of thought for thin pamphlets of convenience, where once sentences marched with clauses, semicolons, and stately deliberation, now they stumble, clipped and pallid, shorn of subordinate grace, as though the language itself were

I would wreck mfin shop on supermarket sweep. dish soap? $7.49. NEXT

Well of course. Be odd if he arrived with only the pants on his back

I am straight up not having a good time

I believed the astronauts the first time they said they spent their 40 minutes behind the moon doing science, but the more they repeat it the more I’m convinced it was a no holds barred fuckfest

Listened to the president talking to the moon people and just on a human level he sounded like three hundred pounds of shit

25 years of pretending like I was too cool for Rice down the fucking drain as I dork out on the moon broadcast

date: i love a man who reads me: nice date: what do you read me: screenshots of other people being wrong

Canadian drill sergeant be like “Here, you are all equally worthless. Ici, vous êtes tous également inutiles. »

I think I’ll send these Epstein files Airmail special To whitey on the moon

You explaining my account to your significant other

I hesitate to bring this up because someone always gets weird, but the term handicap(ped) is no longer preferred, including for restroom stalls and parking spots. Handicap as a term originates with sports, particularly horse racing, as something you *do* for an extra challenge.

Canadian drill sergeant be like “Here, you are all equally worthless. Ici, vous êtes tous également inutiles. »

If you’re cold, the kitchen renovation materials they dropped off in your driveway are cold. Let that sink in.

sorry i have to interrupt whatever you're doing to tell you all that from 1994 to 2014 there was a political party in New Zealand called "Libertarianz"

Me when I’m talking to glasses

Me when I’m talking to glasses

Je pense que Donna et Nathan sont des sœurs.

Me when I find out my wife has been sleeping with Great Bob

If you’re cold, the kitchen renovation materials they dropped off in your driveway are cold. Let that sink in.

Contrary to popular opinion, the song Yellow Submarine was not about the Beatles getting rocked off their balls in India on a primitive piss-based form of jenkem. It was about a boy and his magical submarine

If you are willing to donate a kidney to a stranger, it is not obvious why you would object to eating a small portion of it yourself first.

date: i love a man who reads me: nice date: what do you read me: screenshots of other people being wrong

Like a decade ago an email got through my spam filter with the subject line “I am Barbara nausty gal” and I still think about her every day

Jesse “the Ephemeral Spirit” Ventura