Real convo I've heard: NYC finance bro: SF sucks. Human 💩 on the street? Get it together. SF tech bro: But if we add public restrooms, people will do drugs in the bathrooms. NYC finance bro: Dude *I* do drugs in the restroom! I've done drugs *with you* in the restroom! What are you talking about?

if they had just shown it on 60 Minutes nobody would have seen it

“If I were a clown, I’d be a twisted clown, that’s for sure.” — @aaantons.bsky.social

"it's pretty cool to be gay" -- @aaantons.bsky.social

Terrible scenes just minutes into the new socialist regime in New York as literally hundreds of billionaires discover mamdani already living rent free in their heads

“I wish Andrew Cuomo only the best in private life”

happy mariner monday

@adapalmer.bsky.social still rereading! from now on, when I put on my N95 before entering shared indoor airspace, I'll say to myself, "I hereby renounce the right to complacency"

centrists will tell you to your face that we all need to abandon identity issues, and focus on kitchen table issues instead and yet when a leftist candidate runs a generational campaign based on kitchen table issues, it's the centrists weaponizing identity politics to smear the leftist.

why did no one tell me that Richard Feynman sounds like Christopher Walken?!?!!

anyway i recommend prozac

was looking at a new study of side effects for SSRIs, and I realized halfway through reading it that before I went on my SSRI my medical anxiety was so bad I had to read its potential side effects in a fetal position while doing deep breathing. It took me like half an hour to take in all the info 😅

@adapalmer.bsky.social my headcanon is that OS was responsible for That Thing Last Month

tfw your 1,000-word tweets aren't working

the right wing celebrates christopher columbus because their leaders do the same kind of atrocities as he did, both globally and personally

I've noticed the opposing team's fans only cheer when the opponents score on us. To win those fans over, I recommend we score on ourselves repeatedly; that will surely make them so happy they'll start supporting us. And I'm sure all our fans will keep cheering for us—who else is there to cheer for?

do you want the house tour? once a month, my house expels a river of blood. there is a poltergeist in the attic who shrieks horrific prophecies 24/7. my house's tummy gets upset when i eat harissa, but i keep eating it anyway

October the 3rd be with you

Important to understand that many lies are not meant to be convincing. When a schoolyard bully steals your lunch money, he says "that's mine." The absurdity is the point. It's an assertion of dominance. It is to say "reality is whatever I say it is. You disagree? What are you gonna do about it?"

"yeah, I definitely prefer soy products with a low spice level" -- @aaantons.bsky.social

“Sex is very relevant” — @aaantons.bsky.social

“Real men are loyal to specific brands…but without much enthusiasm.” — @aaantons.bsky.social

it'd be funny if i went to colonial williamsburg and the actors called me anti-italian slurs for extra realism

Engraving two bullets with "this bullet only lies" and "this bullet only tells the truth" to really stump the FBI

A Hasidic guy was walking past me on the street; when he saw me he just called out “Jewish????”

Thanks Max. The young trans folks I interviewed have such a strong sense of self. They know who they are and they deserve better than this.

If someone’s not mourning the death of Robert Redford in a manner that’s consistent with your views, make sure you set up a database, call their employer, and get them fired.

@adapalmer.bsky.social rereading TLTL and realizing I'm now the same age as Mycroft?!?! when I read it for the first time (almost ten years ago!) I was like "wow, Mycroft is an old person!!!" 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

ok i’ve waited long enough. some current news events tie in sort of nicely with many ideas discussed in my new graphic novel, which is in bookstores now

apparently ben shapiro has a book out where he compares capitalists to "lions," while we leftists are "scavengers" who steal the value they create. meanwhile, actual lions:

“I think I would love to be in the musical Newsies.” — @aaantons.bsky.social

Wild that conservatives only care about school shootings when queer people do it

Very funny to see MAGA people make fun of Zohran’s benching while their exalted leader is visibly rotting and can’t walk in a straight line

"Snark feels like resistance if you are terminally online." -Scalzi SNARK FEELS LIKE RESISTANCE IF YOU ARE TERMINALLY ONLINE SNARK FEELS LIKE RESISTANCE IF YOU ARE TERMINALLY ONLINE SNARK FEELS LIKE RESISTANCE IF YOU ARE TERMINALLY ONLINE If you are terminally online, snark feels like resistance.

It’s 2050 and a teen girl is torrenting a .tar.gz file of all the consciousnesses of all the tech bros who uploaded themselves into the cloud in a bid for immortality and modding them into The Sims 4

OCD intrusive thought of the day: I was on the phone with customer service. After having a full convo w/ one person, I was transferred to another person who started from scratch like the 1st convo hadn't happened. Brain: What if you imagined the first person like Tyler Durden bc you're going crazy?!

Is this What We Do In The Shadows

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci! ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

I've got a lot of bleak shit on my bingo card but "computer-generated humanoid avatar of the carceral state gleefully announces execution" is a bit much.

@aaantons.bsky.social watching a margarita commercial: wow, it'd be cool to have a margarita

The cognitive dissonance it takes to be mad that “you’re celebrating the death of a human” when referring to a CEO being killed. but when it comes to the United States funding the genocide, primarily starving children, these same people have not a peep to say.

my only regret is that "The Subway" didn't come out the week everyone was making Trump/Elon breakup posts

doing yoga in my 20s: cool, this is fun and relaxing :) doing yoga in my 30s: oh GOD that's SO GOOD, release my muscle knots daddy 🥵

Applying for jobs feels like taking a handful of bullets and trying to hit a bullseye by hand

People think A.I. is going to replace everything tangible, but what value is an A.I. version of your son? Can it give you its youthful blood? Can you measure the force of its erections? It can’t you help live forever in any meaningful way.

20 Jubilee videos vs. 1 life to live whose precious hours only diminish and never return.