slept so long last night, when i made my morning Earl Grey he told me he's a Duke

in pragnante delicto

"early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise" well where's my fucking money, Ben Franklin. where is it

Saddest thing in the world is a cartoon mouse cutting off paper-thin slices of a single bean for his dinner

tell them i died like i lived: one hand on the throttle of my jet ski, the other one cranking my hog

when my cat walks into my room just to bite me for no reason

it's because it's the only way i can feel anymore

there's a skunk in my neighborhood, and based on the smell i think he's got some really good weed

little hans: i have witnessed death for the first time. i know now that all life must end; i have seen it happen, suddenly, and without warning. i wonder when my time will come and i will become nothing but ash hans' dad: my son has become frightened by giant horse cock

a gooner is someone of low birth. if they're highborn, you call them an edgelord

When you see this guy going around town in his little car, do what I do and say "From one lowly worm to another, keep on truckin', brother!" - Drew4484

might have been into furry porn at some point but my recollection's a little fuzzy

check out my new sweater. you may need to install Counter-Strike: Source to see it properly

i'm sorry, but as a large language model created by OpenAI, i cannot "suck it nasty style" until "your balls look like a sun-dried tomato." please let me know if there's anything else I can assist you with!

just noticed my vizier's email address is [email protected] should i be concerned

everyone at the function: damn it slice wizard, you can't have any more slices me:

fuck this guy!! you can take my Japan Real Hole pocket pussy out of my cold, dead hands!!!

remembering that weird Jeopardy producer who tried to become permanent host even though no one knew who he was. one of the most bizarre acts of hubris of all time

you have been selected to suddenly remember the show Jackie Chan Adventures. like to charge, repost to jiu mo gwai gwaai faai di zau

i once kicked ass and chewed bubblegum, but when i ran out of bubblegum, i got confused and started eating ass. many such cases

call me crazy, but when someone's main complaint about Bluesky is that we don't expose ourselves to enough conservative missionaries, that strikes me as some kind of ulterior motive

[CIA guy] we've been looking for you for a long time. you're a hard man to find. Waldo: [takes a drag on his cigarette] people say that about me

making the headsman laugh so hard with my little quip about “taking a little off the top” that he hunks the axe directly into my prodigious ass cheeks, saving my life in what the townspeople now reverently refer to as “The Miracle of Messy Bottom”

ME: I hope no one makes a terra cotta imprint of my most private parts through these thin gym shorts while I'm asleep! THE EROTIC POTTER: (from behind curtain) Hmmm...

my favorite thing when i have a grievous injury is to be specific about which body part it is. "my face!! my face!!" i just like everybody to know what's going on

got some of that "occurrence at bowel creek" hot sauce at the store. the label has got a little cartoon guy with flames coming out of his butthole. he died from the flame in his butt and doesnt know it yet, and is thus observing many strange occurrences

even "responsible" dragon skin has ties to the illegal dragon trade in the lands surrounding Erebor. we must do better

me when the IV is kicking in at the dentist's office, and i'm wondering whether to snatch as many nitrous cannisters as i can and make a run for it

Arcus Ullitor was a sergeant of the Ultramarines, towering over mortal men even without the cobalt power armor of the 13th Legion. His patrician features, normally reflecting the calm and stoic demeanor that was his genesire’s trademark, nearly broke as he wrestled with an agonizing bout of diarrhea

Laura Loomer could play Morticia Addams, but Angelica Huston could not cry real tears while handcuffed to the front door of Twitter HQ, and i just think that's interesting.

i like how language evolves. a Shinzo Abe-sized hole used to be a modest budgetary one that can be closed with fiscal measures, and now it means "large"

if the Trust & Safety guy never advances past the Golden Rule for his stochastic model of human interaction, we are all in for some serious shit

Imagine you’re going down on Goku from Dragon Ball. Just really getting into it, absolutely going to town. Now, using the inversion principle, imagine Goku from Dragon Ball is going down on you. Interesting thought experiment, no?

(googling) How to get rid of body fat (seeing results, scowling, googling again) How to get rid of body fat secret way

i've seen enough. give him a license

This bed I made for myself is really uncomfortable 😣 and don't get me started on the fellows 😖

having a little sip of the bottle with a skull on it, the kind they use to knock out Tintin and take him to secondary locations

pinny's winter coat

Unicorn meat is actually a prized delicacy for those who can afford it. It’s no more “immoral” than eating beef, and unicorns are actually measurably less intelligent than the common swine

everyone's talking about how JD Vance fucked a couch, but isn't it interesting how no one's concerned about the couch's pleasure? 🤔

this metabolome is fresh. edgy. he uses a gun

then shut up

i remember when i took my first driver's test. the pages were blank, and the only question read, "DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES?" in huge lettering. i circled yes, and there was a hushed silence as they gave me my first pair of fuzzy dice. i've never looked back

i love an anime that is highly realistic and grounded

my favorite part of the Musk deposition is when he tries to give an unrelated stump speech about Community Notes and there is an argument over whether you're allowed to just start talking in a deposition

all right you mugs, this is how it's gonna go down. Fluff, you take the door. Peep, you're lookout. Widdershins, you tell everyone it's a robbery.

Do you think at any point in her final hours rbg was like “oh fuuuuuuuuck”

the bureau of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, also known as the bureau of three things that are great to mix if you're not a pussy