Tis a gift to be basic, tis a gift to be cringe

you used to be able to wildly burn the old you at midnight, now you have to sort the fragments so they can be cast into the correct bin at the municipal dump, somehow it's not the same vibe

So funny how blatantly hypocritical they are on this lol

The alleged shooter in Michigan. Weird that Vance and Patel haven’t tweeted out this info. 🤷🏽‍♂️👇🏽 www.usatoday.com/story/news/n...

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK - DASHARE.ZONE dashare.zone ADMIN

is the rapture the same day on every planet

Discovering computer as an adult makes you go crazy. Discovering computer as a baby makes you go crazy. In all of human history, there will only ever be one generation to discover computer at the correct age: 13

The last 100 years of US politics

Working on an index that tells you about the state of our nation based on whether the most recent Black Mirror season had more of the funny/feel-good ones or more of like the man made horrors beyond comprehension ones

First I'm supposed to care about who's mayor of NYC, now I'm supposed to care about Cracker Barrel... y'all are testing me

My kids have developed an extremely sophisticated form of contract law to govern who owes whom a Coke when a jinx situation occurs

Honestly these metaphors just keep getting less and less subtle

What I want to know is, where are the sour patch adults? Or is this a lord of the flies kind of situation?

Superb. Sheer seventies sitcom behaviour.

I have reached a new level of spotted lanternfly offense where instead of seeing SLs everywhere i see tree of heaven everywhere

The further we get into this century the more I’m convinced all the scarehype around the Hadron Collider was bang on and that sassy Swiss bitch is constantly warping timelines.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite" is victim blaming, as if any of us controls what the bed bugs do

THEM: why are you so angry ME: [snarls through clenched teeth] I’m celebrating my country’s birthday

Wait is there really a Love Death + Robots ep based on that Christopher Smart poem about his cat

Home, you idle creatures, get you home! Is this a holiday?

"Heighten the contradictions" I mutter to myself as I tap the "No tip" button

I do love that we’re just re-using plots from the Bush administration now. “We have to stop Iran from getting WMDs” bro you changed like one letter

For those who do not have access or care to go to Twitter for the video, here is the video of the U.S. Secretary of the Army stating that there is currently a soldier on the moon:

me: in cheers frasier said his dad was dead but then when sam visited him in seattle he had to explain that he was lying because their relationship was strained but to me the weirder thing is he never mentioned niles to anyone at cheers the federal soldier being unlawfully quartered in my home: ok

"ah, but zey are hard at work producing spectacle, are zey not?"

🧵

Between the idea And the reality Between the leopard And the face Falls the Shadow

I for one did not know this. cc: @palindrometry.bsky.social

"AI will save us" v. "AI will destroy us" v. "AI is just some billionaires unironically doing the Wizard of Oz"

You know you're a parent when the biggest laugh you get at the elementary school production of Alice in Wonderland is the line that works as a Frozen 2 callback

PALPATINE HOLOGRAM: 𝑨𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑬 𝑶𝑵 𝑻𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑲 𝑻𝑶 𝑴𝑬𝑬𝑻 𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑸𝑼𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑳𝒀 𝑲𝑷𝑰𝑺? IMPERIAL BUREAUCRAT: Y-yes my lord. PALPATINE: 𝒀𝑶𝑼’𝑹𝑬 𝑨 𝑹𝑶𝑪𝑲𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹. 𝑳𝑬𝑻’𝑺 𝑻𝑶𝑼𝑪𝑯 𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑬 𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑬𝑹.

The Millennial urge, when your kid is learning about the Revolutionary War in elementary school and asks you a question about Washington, to start off with "Let me lay it on the line..."

“The president will blaspheme god by using artificial intelligence to generate an image of himself as Pope,” is something a wild-eyed prophet shouted through a megaphone in Times Square in the 1990s, but nobody listened, nobody heard the warning

For all the Rs' pro-gun-owner rhetoric, I'm pretty sure their instinct to privilege corporations over consumers will win out here as well

Hanger's my meat; I sup upon myself

Darkly funny that this all started with their pLaNdEmIc bs and now they are... actually planning an epidemic

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure dome make Where Alph, the sacred river ran Through caverns measureless to man And down to a sunless data lake #NationalPoetryMonth

I'm starting to think that eventually my neighborhood will have so many speed bumps that the entire surface of every road will be speed bump; at which point of course there will be no speed bumps, the surface will just be a few inches higher along its whole length

Touching grass is not enough I need to get stuck in a hollow log

i don't think id ever get trampled in a crowd setting . when im surrounded by thousands of panicked men and women i tend to play it smart

January: We are headed towards immense financial profits February: Any minute now March: So things are slowing down, prepare for some short-term pain April: Look, money isn't even real May: Bertrand Russell, who "proved" math, was a woke atheist June: Do you realize these are called ARABIC numerals?

*meekly raises hand* sorry but don't we also have a debt ceiling fight coming up soon?

(looking around at everything except college basketball) "March is empty, and all the madness is here"

The staff at this public elementary school in DC showed far more courage than an Ivy with $15 billion endowment

My kids are now at the cognitive stage where they can understand "none pizza with left beef" with minimal explanation

I could never manage to build a Memory Palace but I have a comprehensive Palace of Anxieties to do a similar job

Neither a main character nor an NPC be