TJ Maxx never disappoints

If you were in a hypothetical situation, what would you do?

i just hope america never finds out there might be nuclear weapons in america

Dog sitter: you said he’s only got one trigger. is it like mail men- Dog: *growls* Sitter: or garbage men- Dog: *growls louder* Me: no. *patting dog to calm him down* gender biases.

I know posting "the girls are fighting" seems funny, but it's actually insensitive and shitty. My father died in a girl fight. He tried to break it up and the girls pulled him apart like freshly baked bread. He didn't even scream. One moment he was there, the next just a spray of dad viscera.

asking the kind old man with a knack for sharing his lifetime of beautiful stories to reexamine his behaviour because actually it says a lot about who he is as a person when he chooses to respond to you with anecdotes.

What's the German word for when you take too much ecstasy and get your dick stuck in your neighbor's birdhouse

the happiest moments in life are leaving a party you didn’t want to go to

my company’s fiscal year ends this week and i have no idea which coworker to kiss at 3:30 on friday

Today I learned that my kid is aware of the song "barbie girl," but more importantly, that he thinks the line after "you can brush my hair" is "and throw me down the stairs," and I'm not sure if that's better or worse than the real lyrics

The fact that queer kids are never indoctrinated into straightness from reading about countless hetero relationships, but the mere whisper of the word gay instantly grooms straight kids for homosexual lifestyles really just goes to show how fabulous it is being queer.

I'm not picky. I'll eat Unlucky Charms.

you ever just wake up and remember who the fuck you are (really sad)?

the lion concerns himself with pretty much everything, honestly. the lion worries all the time.

“you’re very aware of other’s feelings” thanks my dad was unemployed for a long time.

my main concern with confronting ICE agents is accidentally calling them "the gazpacho" and having it go viral

i regret to inform the chat the facebook ads have got the juice.

“marxist pope” the vatican is worth like $15 billion of the gaudiest dollars on the planet, take a lap there boss.

i can posts this with iykyk and chicago popes gonna k before most of you.

“white people conquered canada and the indigenous people need to drop it” the government actually couldn’t beat the first nations people and had to make a deal to stop the fighting. thats why we have treaties.

mark carney has executed the guy who took those big sugar crystals off the tim’s chocolate chip muffins

idk if anyone remembers my posts about dealing with my father’s trash hoard after he passed, but today is his birthday, and i’m about to remove the last item from his house. just this couch and i’m done. 4 years, 9 30ft dumpsters, $30k in expenses. happy birthday you old bastard.

hell yeah brother

i think only cowards dislike grumpy old people. drinking with an ornery 75 year old is downright cathartic. don’t gotta say a thing, just try to match their outrage and learn the true depths of your own disgust for what they’ve done to the consumer experience.

people planning to vote poillievre tonight, have you considered not?

me’n 99 of my closest boys fighting for a gorilla’s approval.

“adhd is so quirky” i was once hospitalized for burning my lungs and got reprimanded by nurses on 3 separate shifts for holding my breath bc i cannot have thoughts and breathe simultaneously. i basically have awake apnea.

never come to my home and say to me “no worries”. in the same way normal people are primarily water, i am mostly worries. i noticed you have not eaten since we walked across the yard, please sit down while i attempt to prepare you some photosynthesis from the nearest tree.

*kneeling down to eye level with my banana bread* has your heart ever known loss?

not now kitten, daddy is going non verbal.

captain’s log, week 5 of the 2 week vyvanse break i started without having first refilled the vyvanse:

not now kitten daddy has executive dysfunction

Me: *throws my silicone promise ring with sully from monsters inc on it into the pond where we first met* My silicone promise ring with sully from monsters inc on it: *floats*

wife: rough day at work? me: I always dreamed of combining two sports, but Jockey Hockey is a total failure wife: horses couldn't handle the ice? me: *loading shotgun* they could not

thursday is just le petite friday

i’m just gonna say it. i am gullible and i don’t like april fools jokes that give me false hope. you let me believe for one beautiful moment there was an app that would let me talk to my dog in his native tongue? not funny. you’re a fucking demon

i was in the car with my MIL and i was playing blink-182 and she asked if it was “Green Door” and i said yes and she said “oh nice i love him”

Oh god do NOT eat tonight’s special!

explaining to the local toddler why they're wrong

🎶 Why you prospectin' underground? Ain't you tired? Tryna strike it rich cause you're probably a minerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i’m just gonna say it. i am gullible and i don’t like april fools jokes that give me false hope. you let me believe for one beautiful moment there was an app that would let me talk to my dog in his native tongue? not funny. you’re a fucking demon

ME: And then I watched the avalanche-- BRO: Just say the Avs dude, it sounds cooler. ME: OK, yes, then I watched the Avs bury my family.

Sleep Token: *holds the snare back 1/16* New Fans to the Genre (who i am so thankful for btw):

i regret to inform my followers i am once again becoming super hot as a bit

putting “lol” at the end of my sexts

Editor at The Atlantic: your honor i thought there was just no fucking way.

men invented sports so they could outfit match with the boys

“i do this for the love of the game” not me. i hate the game. i do this because my brain gets dopamine every time it senses danger.

i am neither ride, nor die, but a secret third thing: annoyed by conflict.

gonna spend today standing up to dogpiling by getting my 30k closest friends all really mad at you.