the idea that collecting unemployment is too easy is so funny. 1st time trying it & they’re like hey man u can do this but only if u send me a picture of ur birth certificate and ur social security card with ur panties pulled to the side. also u can only claim every fortnight or we find u and u die

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past

me: time for some laundry :) laundry machine: ok :) me: ok time to dry :) dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

guy who invented the burrito: check it out. convenient and tasty chipotle: what if it was crazy wet guy: chipotle: like what if the second half of the burrito was just drippy as hell

I stg if these chestnuts were roasted over a closed fire I will lose my fucking mind

feels so fucking good to make small talk about the weather with strangers. “sure is cold out today” darn right it is!! “stay warm out there” aww you want little ol me to stay cozy 🥰 “heard it’s gonna warm up by the weekend” i love an optimist should we hang out

when religious people call your gay friends heathens it’s like no that’s not right. they’re actually he/thems

dracula with a guitar: anyvays heres vondervall

absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake while i’m cooking. no idea what the fuck i’m doing but it sure does make me feel fancy

me: i need to speak to the pilot flight attendant: absolutely not me: please it’s really important flight attendant: fine *opens cockpit* me: are we there yet

[a turtle walks by] me: *holding back the guy who discovered pistachios* no dont do it

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: because of something my boss said Interviewer: it says here you were fired Me: that's the thing he said

therapist: describe this picture me: that’s my father yelling at me therapist: and this one me: you having sex with my wife therapist: and this one me: aren’t these normally ink blots

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

trail mix without m&ms: what is this abomination of squirrel food trail mix with a single m&m: now this is sustenance that will keep you going thru the whole day. it’s hiking time boys

really frustrating thing about talking to conservatives is they dont seem to possess any ability to understand that people are connected. like their barista can only make it to work bc of the bus driver who can only drive the bus bc their kid is at a day care etc. zero underlying reasoning ability

Coors: Our beer is so cold Me: Is it good? Coors: It’s fuckin FREEZING

hard to imagine the mental state of the dude who discovered wine. what do u mean ur stomping on grapes and leaving them to rot. did a grape kidnap ur wife

elon musk wakes up and blinks dirt out of his eyes. he crawls his way to the surface, his pale form leaving a slimy residue in his wake. he grasps for a notebook. “genius ideas” is scribbled across the front. he writes “make wheel more rounder?” and smiles. so smart

whale: im fish? god: mammal whale: how will i breathe god: hole in head lol

uber eats: u look hungry me: ya uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy me: ya uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered me: ya

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

when a place makes u go thru 2 sets of doors to get in and one is a push door and the other is a pull, it’s like yesssss throw me for a loop. make a real fool out of me. trap me in your labyrinth. what am i but a meager jester performing for a chance to enter your distinguished establishment

maybe the guy who names all the rappers is just tall

You couldn't make Blazing Saddles today. You have never made a film before and it would take a long time to figure out.

so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you start to worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man

2025 white house cabinet meeting

movies used to be about telling a beautiful story or making people feel something. now it seems they’re all trying to give me a borner

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.

love that they lock up condoms at all stores now. like hey man can you use your little key over here. thanks bro. is it cool with you if i might have sex tonight

black bears: *eating honey* me: hey you’re killing the bees lack ears: WHAT DID YOU SAY

this was prophetic and the Left was a fool to ignore me

why are you, as a man, not built like a Rectangle

“do you think about the roman empire” “do you think about escape routes in public places” sorry no. i am too busy living in the moment. appreciating fleeting moments with the people i treasure. enchanted by the daily miracles offered by the very existence of life

me: what’s crazy is that rudy giuliani first rose to fame because of 9/11 teen born in 2006: ohh. like he helped do it me: ok no, but i see how you got there

just had some guy say he was looking to peddle some wares… my guy those are goods not wares 😂

I’m sorry I have to speak my truth, my fake ass roommate reskeeted this like he’s not absolutely enamored with my cat….what’s the deal @perfectsweeties.bsky.social ???

sometimes cats are just little enemies that live in your house, which is also valid

paid for in-flight wifi for the first time and it’s got me acting different. i’m leaning over to my neighbors like “you wouldnt even believe the deals im closing right now”. i am flipping thru stock charts on 200% zoom and muttering to myself. i am emailing the damn president

i see a lot of you referring to him as Sonic when you’re not even friends with him his name is Sonic The Hedgehog please show some respect

jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”

theres something about threads that makes it feel vaguely purgatorial. like walking into a room full of people who think asking you if cereal is a soup is a good ice-breaker and then ask you if you have ever heard of a game called cards against humanity

Bluesky posters: weird little freaks (complimentary) Threads posters: weird little freaks (derogatory)

this is a Bad Boy summer check in

I'm sincereposting. I'm cringemaxxing. nicepilled. going sweetie mode. friendcore

*opening twitter* she tweet on my skeet till i throot *switching to bluesky* [posting a close up of one nipple] u will see me in hell before i use another mega corp social media *switching to threads* i am drinking so much juice lmfao me: and thats how u do it baby my date: this is like a hobby?

hope it’s okay if I post Daisy