Slightly increase a band 22 Pilots

A straight coworker needed extra money, so he decided to bartend at a gay bar. On Monday morning, he walked into my office, closed the door, and said, "You won't believe what gay men say to me!!!" I might. 🙄

I'm dieting. Discussion of cheese and/or delicious cheese-related food will be considered an act of violence and will be dealt with accordingly!

😂💥😂💥😂💥😂

Dear Friends, I know you love me very much, but please don't surprise me with a huge, golden statue of myself. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Will

Pro-Tip: If you don't want people to think it's a War, don't put it on a chart of (* checks notes *) WARS!!! 😕

Melania is definitely bringing up that Trump didn't wish her a Happy Mother's Day during her next therapy session... 😲

I love how doing a simple search for something results in a stream of ads. Yes, apparently, I would super love to buy a (* checks notes *) "marimba"... 🙄

Slightly increase a band The Matthew Better Band

He's sleeping on camera, again.

The Devil Wears Cardhartt... 🥵 🥵 🥵

“The Elder Scrolls” is what they say about you when you’re on your phone!

Shrinkflation is super annoying. You aren't fooling anyone. We notice.

Me saying, "There are naked bears in my back yard" might be literal and/or figurative... 🙄

Guys, I saw it in person!!!

Literally, a little green alien could walk up to me right now, and I'd be like, "Do I look like I have time for this shit!?!? Seriously!" 👽

"you must be fun at parties" jokes on you I've never been invited to one, idiot

Truth. However, not pictured is all the love. #cats #BlueskyCats #gato #adoptdontshop #fosterkittens #DMV #adoptme

Thank you for being naked during this difficult time... 😋

WHY DO WE HAVE WARS? Because we are ruled by an elite group of psychopaths who own the banks that control the governments and media. They fund both sides of war for profit and they manufacture the consent of the public through the propaganda of the media. ~Stephen Geist RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES!

I hate to brag but my love handles are all natural.

It's not socialism, it's better accounting. It's sad how American (Politicians) constantly says we can't do this or that to help the people and then ignore other countries that actually do it!

Happy Monday Bluesky

Oh, hell no! I'd rather eat the scorpions than have RFK Jr in my closet!!!

Every year my husband takes my son to the thrift store and lets him pick whatever he thinks I need for Mother’s Day, which this year is a straw hat and book of sea shanties

So, what is the VA Supreme Court's excuse for overturning an amendment to the state constitution?

Worrying about our very sick kitty! 😭 Her health has taken a serious turn for the worse and we're going to need to get her thyroid treatment as quickly as possible! 🐱

Great. We have a little mouse in our house. Prolly gonna die of hantavirus, now! Good bye, everyone!

things that can only be measured in quantum time: 1) the top quark 2) cosmic inflation 3) the time period between an avocado being unripe and being overripe

To ensure I don't get mustard on my good clothes... I don't have any good clothes. Problem solved! 😋

Seattle has been 17 degrees above average temperature this Spring. THIS IS NOT OKAY! 😲

Whenever I see "4-ingredient recipe", one of those ingredients had better be garlic!!! 😲

Hey US voters! Important elections are coming up, and to get you motivated I highly recommend throwing VOTING PARTIES. My friends and I have done this for years. Discuss the candidates, research together. Its fun and a great way to stay involved. Oregonians: May 19th is the deadline.

🔴 BREAKING: Trump is celebrating the Virginia Supreme Court’s decision killing the state’s voter-approved Democratic map as a “huge win” for the GOP, while his own party races through red states to rig every district it can touch before November.

Hmmm. Turns out I don't give a fuck about UFOs at the moment...

Supreme Court justices should not have publishing deals and be doing publicity tours at all, even for a kid's book.

Schumer. Seriously, dude!?!?

... and the horse you rode in on!!! 😡

I also believe that nullifying the votes of the people in Virginia galvanizes those people against you. It's deeply insulting to be silenced on a mass scale in that manner. To be infantilized by a few judges. That's another problem the Republicans now face. It's naked unapologetic fascism.

We're going to need a large void to scream into...

Dieting and I accidentally thought about a "garbage plate". This will not end well. 😭

Dieting. Saturday is "bacon day". I thoroughly enjoyed my ration of two strips of bacon! 😂

I’m a white people and I’m REALLY tired of what white people are doing to MY country. #FDT #FSCOTUS #FGOP

The race to the bottom is going GREAT! So proud of (* checks notes *) humans. 🙄