I will teach them to drive

BookTok can’t read 1st person, BookTok can’t read 3rd person. How about you Book some time outside and Tok to some trees

important: apple crisp

this sign was on a local bar today

well it seems the bout of Posting Energy that animated me the past few days has fizzled out

i need more gay people i am friends with to buy houses, not just because it would mean good things about the housing market and their own financial state, but also because then i could tell them they're putting the homo in homeowner and we would laugh and laugh

once again the best ones are already mentioned (jeopardy, the dad one, the union organizer mom one, and i'm here you fuckaas bitch) but also once again i have a deep roster of lesser appreciated ones in my screenshot folder and i am ready to provide

a guy just got on this bus carrying 2 pizzas? and now it smells amazing in here but none of us can have any? mods is this legal?? mods???

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

there's actually nothing cooler than spending half your commute scrolling through your screenshots folder trying to find tweets that might be funny to someone other than yourself and then posting several of them

all the heavy hitters have been shared but i would like to add these perhaps lesser-recognized ones, as well as the thread where a girl's mom wants to buy a parrot (why i still say to my kid "as your mother, i am never wrong") and the thread ranking unconventional pasta shapes

ok NOW i am worthy of love

i hope any neighbors who are also working from outside do not mind me singing along to my tunes with only medium accuracy (i'm not gonna stop either way though)

i know it's officially SICKLY WARM (tm @weatherishappening.com ) but i am working from outside right now and my skin is absorbing sunlight and warmth and the moss is coming back and the grass is starting to green up and the buds on the trees are next

For April Fools I'm gonna pretend like I post good

hmm... more research is called for

Like this shouldn't be the only day of the year where you read an article and go "maybe I shouldn't just take this at face value."

dogs can’t LOOKUP, in fact many of them lack even a basic understanding of Excel or other spreadsheets

I was smart for 5 minutes of my life and now my job is thinking and so you see the situation I find myself in

i have put my laundry into the washer, i am worthy of love

to everyone who liked that very anodyne post about april fools gags: normally i am much worse (better)

listen up this is the only type of april fools post i'm interested in seeing today (obvious, harmless, and full of sheep puns)

this was on an ad i was served up today (for clothing, although they surely knew what they were doing, right???)

i am chopping things up to go into a stew which i meant to start doing half an hour ago but in my defense the internet exists

i saw this in a bathroom stall at the zoo! trans people go to the zoo and will keep going to the zoo! it is time to look at a capybara, transly, while being trans!

a book should not be a craven attempt to satisfy consumer desire for an endless stream of identical content

archeologists: what could this artifact mean? what mysteries does it hold? it says so much about their eating habits, their rituals, how they saw the world. guy a 3000 years ago: hahaha hey check it out Jeff I made a really silly cup on purpose jeff, 3000 years ago: omg that looks so dumb lol

why am i so Posty today

so i have this one pair of pants that has always been kind of on the edge of being too big, and then i lost a few pounds and now if i put my phone in the pocket they will just fall down, which is funny but not really desirable. i don't like belts. should i become a Suspenders Person?

reading something about the ancient greek guy named stesagoras and every SINGLE time i see his name on the page my brain says "stegosaurus"

i love to go on the website that says political crisis, individual crisis, worst pun you've ever heard, beautiful painting of lotr characters doing gay stuff

me this morning (please ignore the fact that i have to tell people to do this as part of my job all the time)

back in my day, rich people drove around in limos and borrowed mustard from each other

the what rule for fuckin WHAT

took my kid to the circus and it was pretty neat on the whole but there was one set of performers whose costume direction was basically "your college friend's most annoying roommate"

so my kid does gymnastics, so i follow his gym on ig and that means i often see their posts of their high level team athletes doing competitions, which is neat, but today they shared a video of one kid with coldplay music over it and i was like girl no this is middle aged people having affairs music

Gang. GANG. Here's that Ghanian bootleg Cheers artwork you were looking for.

writing self-reviews at work is such a weird tightrope to walk: you're literally asked to talk about things you've done well, but you have to manage to do this without sounding like you have a big ego; likewise you have to criticize your work but in a way where you clearly still deserve a raise

I think that if you're a parent and you want your child to experience a world of wizards and magic, you should get them into heavy metal

you ever sort of feel like some people took that "death of irony" thing in the early 2000s too seriously and now they suck at jokes?

does the world suck? yeah, honestly. but we dunno where else to get cheese, so here we are

i personally watched my great-grandmother house a bowl of ice cream while commenting in between each bite that she shouldn't be eating this (that's its own problem but nonetheless). so ok i am happy to eat like she did, pass the spoon

me, in the middle of making out: are you mad at me ok but i mean if i am thinking, against my will, about all the mistakes i've made today, who's to say someone else could not also be thinking about this!! perhaps also against their will!

we're watching the mummy's ghost (1944) and - we had been talking earlier about how next year is the 50th anniversary of star wars, and matt says "if you think about it, when we were born this movie was more recent than star wars is to now" anyway i'm going to jump off a building

I will delete my account before I ever add a sarcasm tag to a post.

i am not a puker. i have to be *really* sick to be throwing up. but last night i got that kind of sick and i just feel like it is completely unfair that the one time, the one time i get so sick is right at the start of the weekend