who cares if your protagonist is annoying? at least they're not from COMPTON PAUNCEFOOT, hey-O

read your work out loud while you're editing. that way you can tell if you've accidentally written a demon-summoning spell instead of a story

can't stress about all the problems with your first draft if you never read it again

when anyone asks 'where do you get your ideas from?' say 'from you' and then absorb them

stick to the POV you chose, unless it would be super fucking rad to move over to another character's POV for a sentence or two

make everybody gay. who the fuck cares anymore

make sure you always have at least 1 character that exclusively eats krill (not a whale character, a human character) (once they are introduced they spend the entire rest of the book explaining their dietary choices)

(finishes plotting out my novel's sequel) yay, i'm done! everything is planned! time t- wait my secondary protagonist doesn't have a surname

worried your protagonist isn't interesting enough? give them a silly hat!

stuck on a blank page? literally just put words on there. what are you doing

it's okay if your story doesn't have a deeper meaning. sometimes you should just write about a jealous twink for no reason

you don't need any skill to retell classic stories, you just need to be really, really horny

(sends my novel to beta readers to check it makes sense) ah i guess it's time to write the sequel

instead of doing actual writing, submit unusable and weird tips to the gr8writingtips blog on Tumblr Dot Com™ for peak online content

opening with a prologue? that's not very live laugh love of you

characters should ONLY make healthy choices! NO ONE wants to read about someone who doesn't start their day with a big ol' bowl of wheat bran

you DO need to read to be a good writer. my books. specifically you need to read my books

not won any literary awards? give yourself literary awards. book of the year. best book of all time. best writer of all time. literally nobody can stop you

your book is about a character? wow. who's gonna read that

struggling to keep your synopsis short? strip the story down to its core elements and focus on those: exposition, rising action, sex scenes, climax, falling action, what your protagonist's favourite songs are, resolution

fuck. did you know if you change things early in the plot, later plot elements need to change, too? someone should do something about that

if you've written over ten versions of your first chapter only to realise the first one you wrote was the best, you may be entitled to compensation

people say you have to read books to be a good writer but that's NOT TRUE. to be a good writer you have to jump up and down four times then press ctrl + F4

you might receive negative feedback on your favourite part of your novel, and i want you to know that it's okay. it's okay for readers to be wrong

don't let readers know your characters have feelings or they'll be really sad when you do all those horrible things to them

i went into more detail about how i did this on my tumblr if anyone is interested:

your first draft isn't perfect? what? that's weird. i've never heard of that happening before. maybe you should give up

write👍

draft 2 / draft 3 / draft 4 ask me anything

writing is easy, it's my protagonist's penis that's hard

the hot new reading trend is counting how many times the author uses the word 'that' and including 'that stats' in goodreads reviews. be warned

not sure what to write next? how about you cry yourself to sleep

when in doubt, kill your protagonist. if still in doubt, kill your antagonist. continue killing characters until all doubt is removed and your story is just a description of some land or a building

you can't write characters who aren't like you, what will people think? you need ALL of your characters to be EXACTLY like you: same sexuality, same likes and dislikes, same appearance, same name,

stuck on the next line of dialogue? have you tried zoning out for three hours, thirty-two minutes and waiting for it to come to you

any writer can write 100,000 words, but only a TRUE WRITER can DELETE 100,000 words

the trick is to write a book that readers want to throw across the room (affectionate), not throw across the room (derogatory). it has to get thrown, though. no way around that

if you don't enjoy writing something, people aren't going to enjoy reading it, so stop writing those work emails and get back to writing that sopranos omegaverse fanfiction

just uhhhh, just like uh,. get uhhhhhhh.. just get weird with it

yknow you should really start that second book project. yeah i know you haven't finished even a quarter of the first one but you're strong and you can manage

not sure what to write? jump up and down repeatedly to shake the ideas loose! note: if you're doing it for longer than a day with no results, you should probably just accept that you shouldn't write

book

i've named a lot of places in my novel vaguely british-sounding names that are puns on real place names, and sometimes worry no one will take them seriously. anyway i've just discovered there's a real village in warwickshire called Wormleighton so i think it's going to be okay

if you tell your readers your protagonist is a nice person, they will think your protagonist is a nice person. it doesn't matter how many people the protagonist has killed. why would an author lie like that

you gotta explain EVERYTHING, otherwise your readers will never be satisfied! the protagonist of your fantasy story can't just have powers randomly, they got them from touching a space rock! and the space rock can't have just randomly turned up, it was attracted by a magnetic

have a thoughtful shower and drink an inspired potion. write for two hours. have another thoughtful shower and drink another inspired potion. write for another two hours. congratulations. you have finished your book

insinuate that two of your main characters are getting married and then divorced repeatedly off page. deny it if anyone asks

STOP

step 1: write it step 2: edit it step 3: read it step 4: spend fifty-two hours trying to work out what's wrong with the opening of that one chapter step 5: oh god oh fuck if i change that then i'll have to change all of the fucki step 6: go back to step 1

write one word. write one goddamn word on that page. i beg of you. just one word. please