there were only 24 years between these two events and yet the second one happened 32 years ago

i think my kid is right now reading the hobbit in bed on a blustery cold night with the wind rattling the windows and i am staying as quiet as possible so as not to break the spell

i just noticed my cat unsubscribed to my newsletter wtf

can you imagine how different that movie The Ring would have hit if she had bangs

schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer LLP

if thou find the puke of cat the job is thine to clean up that

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

i know we're all keeping champagne in the fridge etc but Munchkinland had a whole musical number ready for when it happened

of the one person mentioned in the Pretenders song "Message of Love," Brigitte Bardot is now dead

Healing is great and all, but have you tried disassociating?

Post a perfect album from the 90s that isn't Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden or Alice In Chains.

Nice fluid. Non-Newtonian?

the thing about the marble armrests and the gold ballroom isn't just about how much they cost, it also reminds most Americans that we're never going to see that shit in person, it's just for the elite

boss: hey did you finish work on our new comfort station? me: yeah, real unsettling, just like you wanted

sick of living with a certain quiet dignity, i gotta up the flash

Frank Sinatra: smarten up, dummy Stephen Miller: *sniffling* i swear to god i'll never do any of this again

Stephen Miller: well...i...i uh...well we have to uh... Frank Sinatra: listen, fat head Stephen Miller: *bursting into tears* I'm so sorry Mr. Sinatra, I just, I'm just so sorry

using the "wet hand dry hand" method to eat pizza while using my computer and absolutely failing at it

best part of going for a run is wearing running clothes the whole rest of the day

Trump administration: gonna be a Christian nation from now on Christians: yay! TA: so you have to be Christian the way WE say it's ok Christians: oh shit

thank god christmas is over

anybody caught being holly and/or jolly after midnight will be placed under arrest

can't wait until the middle of the night when my cat needs to bury...his...shit...for...forty...five...fucking...minutes

my refrigerator is like 9/11 but for lettuce

what changed in that elusive span of time from when the cautionary tale was "even if you meant it ironically when you got drunk at that party and put a lampshade on your head, you still are a person who did that" to now, when it's about fucking a goat

Baby It's Cold Outside covers: 1961 Betty Carter & Ray Charles: a soft interplay of flirting voices 1959 Dean Martin: i'm doing the talking here and you're not going anywhere

Good thread

me: doff we now our gay apparel! rest of family, seated at dinner table: please go put on at least a robe or something

my cocktail sauce brings the boys to the yard and they're like, we're going to rub shrimp on you please don't, rub shrimp on me i will ask you, please do not do that

I changed my Christmas Eve dinner look from “dignified accordion busker with a heart of gold in 1912,” (Marni) to ,“somehow powerfully sexy statistician to the Swiss Undersecretary of Labor in 1952,” (Thom Browne) at the last second & it almost killed me.

my cocktail sauce brings the boys to the yard and they're like, we're going to rub shrimp on you please don't, rub shrimp on me i will ask you, please do not do that

Hey Now You're a Boxcar Full of Children Solve Crimes

they should invent a holiday that doesn't send me into a downward spiral of self-recrimination and despair

sometimes all my visceral anxiety is just a big burp waiting to come out

sick of living with a certain quiet dignity, i gotta up the flash

If you wear a hoodie backwards you can fill the hood with beef stroganoff and eat out of it like a feedbag

holiday dinner party idea

adapting the works of Kali Malone for solo ukulele

i have finally located in myself the true spirit of Christmas!* *if i don't keep this Peanuts christmas album on repeat for the next week i will lose my fucking mind

maybe he's coked up or maybe hes transforming into the unholy abomination known as "Quentin Tarantubio"

maybe he's coked up or maybe hes transforming into the unholy abomination known as "Quentin Tarantubio"

Remember: It ys okaye to be lonelye. It ys okaye to feel lost. It ys okaye to be sad. It ys okaye yf nobody ys arounde. It ys okaye to have no plannes or just small plannes. It ys okaye to have big plannes that seem exhausting. It ys okaye to be a mess. Take care of thyself. Thou art amazinge.

[debate] walz: so that lays out our plan to lower prices moderator: thank you. senator vance: vance: well we have an 88 page plan with 14 primary economic goals... moderator: wait what? vance: what walz: are you fucking kidding me? vance: i hate women

'Tis the season! theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-...

influencers suck

oh i see what Anderson was going for here

Almost feel sorry for people who've always had their shit together and will never experience the surprise and delight of getting their shit together.

i'm a pretty good cook but this chowder is...not good

i saw mommy kissing ulamog, the ceaseless hunger