i am realizing that MAGA doesn't care about pedophilia, they care about retribution, which is any reason to execute their little list of people, and if Trump gives them that, the Epstein shit won't matter

if you get a job as an elementary school teacher and the principal asks what you want the kids to call you, dont screw up and have them call you "miss whatever" when you can finally be "Leather Tuscadero" for the rest of your life

the fingers are definitely the doughiest part of the chicken

car parked out front of the Temple Israel next door with license plate "BUBULA"

this is, indeed, wackadoodle

i bought the good cheddar and now i can't go back to the utility cheddar

hey my nose hair is up here, bud

Reports: Scandinavian countries doing great! Scandinavians: It's because we invest in our people. US: Nah, it's because they're all white. Scandinavians: Why don't you try investing in your people and see how it goes? US: We'd rather try the all white thing.

If you say things on TV like "Raping an 8yo is worse than raping a 15yo" you should be launched into a volcano

🎶 Everybody was KUNG FU FIGHTING* those cats were FAST AS LIGHTNING** 🎶 *emailing Jeffrey Epstein **total fucking sociopaths

i guess i assumed Felix's wife threw him out because he was too persnickety or something but now that i'm older i wonder what the hell he really did

someone convince Trump he could clear all this up with a quick Chotiner interview

maybe this is finally happening

🎶 Everybody was KUNG FU FIGHTING* those cats were FAST AS LIGHTNING** 🎶 *emailing Jeffrey Epstein **total fucking sociopaths

time to start showing the president the door

Johnson is going to swear in Grijalva

Escape velocity achieved.

love that the petition to release info on a million perverts is called "discharge"

Your Dog Doesn't Care About You, Charlie Bush

someone convince Trump he could clear all this up with a quick Chotiner interview

"This is not who we are" has gotta be the funniest thing important people say all the time, right. Like just definitionally false

Bond should die at the end of every Bond movie

doesn't it seem like Trump has something on every member of his cabinet except Miller, who seems like he has something on Trump

Bond should die at the end of every Bond movie

i don't have to turn on the heat because i'm lying on an electric blanket but on the other hand i cannot bring myself to get off the blanket

Paul Reubens should have played Walter White

Warby Parker & the Olympians

am i wrong or can we just shut it down again, like, now

it's like the people who sell bullshit and the people who believe bullshit have taken over the country

ok so is Johnson going to swear in Grijalva? can we at least make that a demand?

i don't think those shitty dems understand why we're so upset: it was starting to look like we had a chance against autocracy and now it just feels again like we don't

wow those dems' offices must be getting so many calls and emails like "just give trump the win"

Great job, @schumer.senate.gov. You've changed the story from "GOP hurting millions of Americans to please unpopular, failing, delusional despot who's destroying his party" to "Dems are too weak and divided in the face of Trump's strength to take a stand and protect Americans"

American politics makes a lot more sense when you realize that the GOP is afraid of pissing off the GOP base, and the Dems are afraid of pissing off the GOP base, but neither party is afraid of pissing off the Dem base.

Not that he didn’t already know, but now Trump knows for sure he can roll the Dems every time and there’s no need to negotiate for anything

Dems backed Trump into a corner where he’s advocating for starving Americans and hemorrhaging support. If they vote to let him off the hook in exchange for nothing it’s a cataclysmic failure. I know people are in pain but insulating Republicans from political consequences is not the answer.

"Democratic capitulators whose seats would be filled by Democratic governors in the event of vacancy (Durbin, Fetterman, Kaine, King) should be under immense pressure to resign mid-session. Now, even. Or in Kaine’s case, after Abigail Spanberger is sworn in. If your senator fits that bill, get loud"

Democrats in office need to know: all of us with very few exceptions want all of you with very few exception to lose your god damn jobs because you refuse to do them.

People don't like their sacrifices to have been for nothing

agreeing to make a terrible deal while your main opponent is quite literally being boo'd on live tv by an entire stadium of people is the kind of political instinct you'd normally only find in a 3 week old dead goldfish

Schumer is a jackass, but he made the right move here.

all time top five uses of metaphor 5. two vast and trunkless legs of stone (Shelley) 4. visual art (all) 3. raisin in the sun (Hughes) 2. music (all) 1. these dogs are barking (sore feet)

i mean, the president doesn't want to reopen the government, like, ever

REPUBLICANS REJECT DEMOCRATS' OFFER TO END SHUTDOWN: GOP AIDE

Look Schumer is a dumb dumb but I think this offer is a trial balloon to show how unreasonable the GOP is. I'll wait to see next steps.

did you know you can just like, forgive yourself? all that shit you punish yourself over and over for, you don’t have to do that you can set it down and walk away and breathe deep for the first time in decades

"Bitches, Man" My latest for the New York Times by me, a man who is a walking jumpscare

the moment he realizes he's losing his juice the same way people go bankrupt, slowly and then all at once