a masterclass on posting

People wonder sometimes why they used to call me Ragin’ Robert Scott back when I was in the Army — it was because Robert is the formal name for Bob

#𝓐𝓼𝓴𝓑𝓸𝓫𝓢𝓬𝓸𝓽𝓽 Sorry, I cannot remember if my Ethel Merman Fan Fiction stories were ever Published on my old Website like my “Fantasy Island” and “Waltons” stories were — I am unfortunately right now without an I.T. Director to help me ever since Randal vanished while on a Cambodian Sex Vacation

Does anybody know if there is demand on here for Ethel Merman Fan Fiction

When I invited my friend Lem to move in along with my old Boss at the Jollibee, my former Religious Cult Leader, and his Concubine so that all 4 of them could get back on their feet, I guess I never thought about how much Peanut Butter I would have to buy to keep them fed

I went used book shopping and then had vegan Mexican food. I could’ve scored an anti-MAGA grand slam if I’d then successfully launched a rocket into space.

BOB F. SCOTT SQUARE DANCE TIP: If you happen to black out at the 1st Friday Square Dance, one way to know you enjoyed yourself is if you wake up the next morning in a burnt-out station wagon wearing a studded dog collar with a Big hickey on your 3rd nipple

Yes, today I went to get a Physical Exam at Walmart because I am getting ready to be part of a Big Medical Study of my history of Major Heart Attacks — please ‘Like’ and ‘Re-Post’ my Thread below!!!

My 2 biggest gripes when I go to get my free Physical Examination at the Walmart Computer Doctor is that sometimes I have to chase small children away (they do not apparently understand that it is a Healthcare Professional) and also when I take my shirt off there is no place to hang it up???

Gonna go hang at the mall to check out some visible panty line.

Storm chasers were asking for tornado footage from ppl who live in Dallas today. A woman responded with videos of three kangaroos in her yard, and said "All kangaroos are fine!" I will be using that as an answer for how I'm doing from now on

Some people are incapable of admitting that they fucked up. I don’t trust them. Also, I don’t trust mayonnaise.

My new Thread is up on here today, People!!! I am sorry if this is what is called a ‘Spoiler Alert,’ but at the end of the story I am still alive

I really do like JoAnn’s Fabric Store for their Unparalleled selection of Arts and Crafting supplies but I do not care much for their Customers — those people are Cutthroat Bloodthirsty Turd Butlers, sorry

Friends, I am just not sure that I am cut out for the ‘Pod-Cast Life’ — at my age having to hook up all those wires wore me plum out, then doing all that talking about my Adult Circumcision and how much I like Tapioca Pudding left my lips severely chapped

If you are the Pro Truck Driver on C.B. Radio Channel 17 upset that Shoney’s was all out of Hot Fudge Cake today at lunch, you need to get the Hell over it by 9PM tonight — I do not want my return to Pod-Casting to get all drowned out, I have an Advertiser and need the extra cash money

Sorry, sometimes there are things that happen in Real Life that are much more important than being on Social Media, like becoming the Primary Breadwinner for 4 new Roommates: your friend who used to work at 7-Eleven, your old Boss at the Jollibee, His Holiness The Onoreshna, and his Concubine Audra

I still can’t get over how shitty Kanye’s swastika T-shirts were. I washed mine ONCE and it shrunk two sizes. This country is going down the tubes.

If they want to save two companies from Bankruptcy at the same time, they should just roll them together — ladies would really appreciate the Chocolate Mousse Cake at Jo-Ann’s Hooters and more men would be drawn in to get their Decoupage supplies

Lem’s friend Gary said there is a Very good chance my former Religious Cult Leader has only “Marginally Brainwashed” Lem and that there is a Shampoo we can get that will clear it right up — he cannot remember what issue of “High Times” he saw it advertised in, but he thinks it was 1978 or 1979??

Used to be you could have a respectful adversarial relationship with a Sheriff over many years.

Yes, my former Religious Cult Leader has Brainwashed my good friend Lem but I cannot focus on that right now because as the Manager of 3 people I need to keep the Drive-Thru window at this Jollibee running smooth — here is a Thread about my life in that Shitty Cult

The Good news is, my friend Lem who works at the 7-Eleven is alive, but the Bad news is, he is now with my former Religious Cult Leader who has healed him apparently of his I.B.S. — that might not sound so Bad, but Lem’s I.B.S. really has become one of the most Vibrant parts of his Personality

With my plan I should be able to afford some spark plugs and a Hot Pocket

if i've fallen and i can't get up, i may still have a little cake

#𝓐𝓼𝓴𝓑𝓸𝓫𝓢𝓬𝓸𝓽𝓽 No, I have 10 toes but the nails on 3 of them never grew back after I had them reattached, but do not worry, it was not as Gruesome of a camping accident as it first sounds — I did not even knew my toes had been severed because I was too busy thinking about how my face was being crushed

The Love Boat did a piss-poor job preparing me for the realities of adult life

Earnest post, but: a thing I like here is it’s okay to have moments of happiness in public without being broadly scolded, and I believe that sustaining this kind of humanity will be very important as we resist fascism. We have to sustain each other. Making joy isn’t denial, it’s how we will survive

Mother taught me that it was Good, Clean, and Polite for a man to always sit down to pee, which is how I just now came out of this White Castle Bathroom with all 7 of my toenails clipped — try doing that at a urinal while peeing, you would have to be an Acrobat

Now would be a great time to retreat into a novel if I could still read more than 300 characters at once.

I have just found out that my friend Lem never made it home after his shift at 7-Eleven on Sunday and that he left his Topical Anti-Diarrhea Spray there and his Girlfriend Deidre says last night she was forced to use their Tantric Lovemaking Quilt without him

#𝓐𝓼𝓴𝓑𝓸𝓫𝓢𝓬𝓸𝓽𝓽 My friend Lem really thought he had the full set of “Love Boat” thimbles but it turned out his Ted McGinley was an elaborate Art Forgery — a swindler had sold him a Ted McGinley “Happy Days” thimble that had been ‘doctored up’ with fingernail polish

Hello, has anybody seen my friend Lem who works at the 7-Eleven — I just found out he has been missing since Sunday?? He always smells like flannel even though he never wears flannel and he collects thimbles with “Love Boat” characters painted on them, if that helps

If the conversation is over and the other guy continues talking, I shut it down with a firm "I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!"

Don't even talk to me if your writer conference tote bag isn't a 100% post consumer waste tactical Seal Team 6 tote with natural dye faux blood stains and embroidered with a clever reference to Flaubert.

Ten years ago we had Bob Hope, Bob Jobs, Bob Cash, Bob Constitution, Bob Vaccines, Bob Air Traffic Controllers

Yes, I would much rather work at Wendy’s but it is hard to get a foot in the door because of their low turnover rate — I hear it is a much more Sexually Permissive environment than at the Jollibee, also you get all of the free Frosty frozen dairy desserts you can eat and/or drink

@ennuidoofen.bsky.social Thank you for being so kind and sharing my Posts on here, Sweet Lady — I am here wishing you all the best, truly

The Biggest fear I have of Elon Musk’s 25-year-old D.O.G.E. Intern taking a look at my private I.R.S. file is that he will not understand all of the intricacies of Tax Law when it comes to claiming a deduction of $1731 for Nilla Wafers

telling everyone to stop moving and calling dibs on the pill i heard hit the floor

We’re offering a free night’s stay to the first guest who can figure out where the endless shrimp keep coming from. Please make it stop.

For those of you people on here who missed my Thread last month about working as a Summer Intern at the Columbia House Record Club, here it is — but beware, Friends, it is intense

I’ll never look at a basketball rim the same way again, Bob. Outstanding sir 👏

Thank you, my Friend, I am sorry if I have ruined your enjoyment of Basketball, but it will have been worth it in order to share my Inspiring story about standing up to Dumb Nazis!! For those of you who have not read my Thread yet, you will find it on here at this U.R.L.: bsky.app/profile/that...

Dear Mr. Bob Scott—I found your thread bc @joshmankiewicz.bsky.social —and this piece and you, generally, are fckng brilliant! I’ve been wondering what the “Aryan Nation” and “Aryan Brotherhood” have been up to in these weird times. Hopefully, losing at kickball and shin-broke! Following!!

I worked with Hollywood one time to make a show where I flew around in a helicopter-car, had Sex a lot, blew up an Arby’s, talked to Mr. Dudley the talking cat, and it was going to star Kevin Spacey as me — I do not know why it fell apart

Can someone please just give Bob Scott a streaming show already? (@bencollins.bsky.social? ANYONE?!) Great humorists abound on Bluesky, but if what you're looking for is a serious jolt of the absurd laced with occasional pathos, look no further than this amazing thread right here ⬇️