Hello. I’m writing a novel. @editrixemma.bsky.social @alexbrownwrites.bsky.social

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means? ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Muffin Time

Making breakfast muffins and the poster mentioned cutting the recipe in half and I was like nah that's silly so I didn't and I have a metric shit ton of batter so now everyone at work's getting breakfast muffins

I think I genuinely forgot wendy's does anything other than acceptable nuggets until I read this

Paradise Killer for five dollars run don't walk to steampowered dot com

currently living that tweet thats like "racism rocks, nobody sits next to you on the bus" lol

Heard a bunch of party people hollering at their Walking With Purpose™ friend halfway up the block that they were making an "ice cream detour bro!!!" and when I got closer to the guy he genuinely looked like he was gonna cry

that series is the reason I think less of anyone calling the pitt character daddy, a judgement take that is 99% irrational and that I absolutely refuse to change

oh this place is BORKED borked huh

Genuine reaction to the Nicole Kidman AMC Trailer

Im expecting a genuine sort of dread at the quality of the trailers being played before this movie

The retailer I get the most questions about from friends and readers is Quince, and it's not close. It carries everything from cashmere sweaters to American-made sofas to Dom Perignon champagne, most of it super cheap. I finally wrote about what Quince is up to. 🎁: www.bloomberg.com/news/article...

It's funny (not funny) how this ubiquitous symbol screams 'beware, incoming trash!' I have an instant reaction of revulsion whenever it pops up.

Tried to flag down a delivery guy who asked me for directions and what came out was "hey mister!"???????

I need to apologize. You may have seen the in the news that I have been using a bot network to manipulate social media algorithms in order to secure Geese Howard's reputation as "the coldest white boy in the game"

Need to be on her level ASAP

canon neil banging out the tunes now and 4ever ❤️

LOL! fucking LMAO even!!!

haven't been able to properly celebrate Neil Banging Out The Tunes because I haven't had time to find the superior version (the kekkai sensen edit)

Just as @mayorbowser.dc.gov is proposing cuts to the Pay Equity Fund that helps increase pay for child care workers, @urbaninstitute.bsky.social has released results from a survey that found that the fund was good for providers and in some prevented increases to the tuition that parents pay.

Dinner came out nice tonight :)

Fascinated by the ads I keep getting for paramount+ which seem determined to sell the service as the definitive home for White People Horse Porn

Average clue to solve a brutal murder in Detective Conan:

Hit dogs holler tweet of all time imo. people wanted to kill this "guy" LMAO

The joke in 28 Days Later about grocery store apples being so genetically modified that they would be fine a month into the apocalypse is the reason why they're the only produce to escape the "suddenly and unshakably convinced that this is full of mold" curse of my brain and my refrigerator

The infants at work when i introduce them to new solids

i think what really bugs me about phishing tests is that to "pass" you have to not engage with them at all. They should include a secret "ah ah ah~ can't trick me~ 😏" button to find and when you do everyone cheers and gives you 20 dollars and the hottest IT agent sucks you off

why is Daddy Pig experiencing a microaggression in the peppa pig bedtime stories collection

it is kind of crazy it's prohibitively expensive to move out of my comparatively affordable car-free big city to a small town in vermont

My life is infinitely healthier with a well-developed reflex to instablock weird online assholes but just know I'm blasting this meme telepathically at them like a parting shot every time

often find myself wanting to respond to insane energy on here with "WOAH mama mia cunt" and the only thing stopping me is that I doubt ppl will know 1) the tumblr post that line is referencing and 2) the jojo comic that *I* am referencing, which is based on the same post

Referring to Birdo from Super Mario Bros. 2 as a queer elder.

12 years old, packed opening weekend for The Hunger Games, I opened my mouth to gasp at this moment and instead let out a burp so loud that people genuinely jumped

Everyone keeps saying "serving cunt" and it's making me feel really old. I still call them waiters.

In space no one can hear you Teams.

if I was an astronaut exploring the nearly untouched cosmic wonder of space and I had to deal with outlook I'd open the door to the ship

I can't believe the "New Yorker" REJECTED this cartoon!

never known of anybody who wasn't cool with trans people that wasn't a huge fucking loser

Two hydrogen bombs vs a coughing baby

Hey there 👋🏻, it’s me, the new snack from Costco you loved. You will never see me again

Feeding a baby his pouch slop while I eat a bowl of ramen and in his eyes is a vow to learn how to talk so he can cuss me out

its been said a million times but there's genuinely nothing funnier than the disconnect between dealing with Weird Train Guys irl and the Nightmare Paranoia Mode Fantasy Hell that city hating conservatives live in

that porn bot is hitting this place like a blitzkrieg omg

It’s big ball chunky time

For Playboy, I spoke to adult content creators about the hours of labor their subscribers *don’t* see. “The amount of times I have people in my comments being like, ‘Get a real job!’ and like, I probably pay way more to the IRS than you do!” - @siridahl.bsky.social www.playboy.com/read/sex-rel...

At chili’s