Sam Handwich
@samhandwitch.bsky.social
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im a lurker mostly
pinned post!
I’m going to use this thread to store the tweet phrases that keep banging around in my head
over 1 year ago
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this is a funny story but i feel like robins are doing fine and i should be allowed to eat their eggs
add a skeleton here at some point
1 day ago
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Sam Handwich
Sen. Lemon Gogurt
1 day ago
I can't remember if I cried remembering his soft green hide but something touched me deep inside the day that grogu died
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if i was president i would 100% use that as an excuse not to attend a wedding i didn’t care about (shitty failson’s Nth wedding), very relatable
3 days ago
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listen mando, you can say “he’s usually a sweetheart” as much as you like, but if that little green bastard bites my kid again i’m calling animal control
7 days ago
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i’m glad that usb-c is the default now but it also sucks because it’s hard to clean. too many nooks and crannies.
7 days ago
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i had a Dutch roommate for a while. one time he called 911 because there was a deer in the median of a 4 lane road, they told him “sir, deer are free roaming animals”
8 days ago
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i once ate a single ny slice for lunch and my coworker called me “a shell of a man”
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8 days ago
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it just seems like a dire misread of the vibes to invite a guy named “Hate” to any big “congratulations, yay” type event
8 days ago
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under woke 2 places like Six Flags will instead be called “they/theme parks”
8 days ago
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SEO Speedwagon
8 days ago
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next season of For All Mankind will again star Joel Kinnaman, now playing his dead character’s adult half-asian son by wearing extremely unconvincing yellowface makeup
8 days ago
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i had a great meeting with Chinese President Qui-Gon Jinn and we will be looking into the interplanetary trade dispute very strongly
9 days ago
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Sam Handwich
glue
11 days ago
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four year old, quietly: i think [two year old] doesn’t like spiders because they have more legs than him
11 days ago
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i’ll be honest, i had never heard of the Thucydides Trap before today, so this all feels like an elaborate prank
11 days ago
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palestine genocide = bad
11 days ago
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Sam Handwich
ex-Lethality Jane
12 days ago
Ah. I see the problem now.
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“Only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities.”
add a skeleton here at some point
13 days ago
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he should be barefoot with stink lines
add a skeleton here at some point
13 days ago
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Sam Handwich
Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
13 days ago
Change one letter in a movie title to make it a new movie title Roger rgbbit
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“Yeah I’ve got Havana Syndrome, havin’ another beer” remains one of my favorite stupid jokes
13 days ago
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chicks dig 2 grapefruits and a lil smokey
14 days ago
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Sam Handwich
Adam Roberts
14 days ago
Surely they've suffered enough?
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17 days ago
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Sam Handwich
wargen
17 days ago
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idc what she’s saying, but why does she look like that. perhaps she is the real alien
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17 days ago
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Sam Handwich
e.w. niedermeyer
17 days ago
wandering the Sonora desert in a carefree fashion like
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do you know who else ate breakfast? that’s right, hitler
17 days ago
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if you have microplastics in your balls that is frankly a skill issue
17 days ago
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when my mom first showed me Return of the Jedi, when Jabba came on screen i asked “is that the jedi?”
17 days ago
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you couldn’t name a band Dead Kennedys anymore, on account of
17 days ago
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Sam Handwich
Gore Vidal Sassoon
19 days ago
add a skeleton here at some point
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Sam Handwich
Tyler
19 days ago
Oh my god. Indycar what are you doing
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a big invincible woman would fix me
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19 days ago
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don’t go BREAKING: my heart
19 days ago
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Sam Handwich
BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL AKA PRESIDENT FOOTBALL
20 days ago
add a skeleton here at some point
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i too have terminated my hostilities with Iran
20 days ago
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my children have ended their War on Bedtime
21 days ago
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flipping through a book of inkblots saying “vagina, vagina, vagina… vagina”
21 days ago
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BREAKING: The troupe of cockroaches “doin a Ratatouille” to Rudy Guiliani have returned to their prime host, RFK Jr
21 days ago
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Sam Handwich
Adam Macqueen
21 days ago
SHAFT
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Victoria Rose Richards
22 days ago
'Beltsville Agricultural Research Centre', Maryland - I was privately commissioned to memorialise the BARC by a past employee after learning it will be shut down by the USDA after over 100 years of research. They wanted to focus of this aerial embroidery to be the field plots... 1/3 (see thread)
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there’s a lot of jokes about cows laying eggs, but seriously look at this fucked up ghost cow. why is its skin like that. untrustworthy
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22 days ago
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Sam Handwich
Matt Seybold
23 days ago
Nice work,
@insidehighered.com
This is a perfect headline & lede.
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Sam Handwich
Ashton Pittman
23 days ago
15 years ago today, Kate and William killed Osama Bin Laden at their wedding.
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Sam Handwich
SaigonTime, M.D.🇵🇸
24 days ago
finally found something to make me laugh and it's this I've watched this like 30 times in a row
loading . . .
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Sam Handwich
Anna Mazzola
24 days ago
Some useful public speaking tips from Freud here.
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Sam Handwich
leon
26 days ago
my apologies to the bluesky mod team. i'm sorry for this post and i've learned my lesson. there should be less active shooter training
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Sam Handwich
olive consumer
29 days ago
please do not commit any federal crimes that would lead me to feeling a deep sense of embarrassment after finding out you read my posts
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Sam Handwich
Micah
29 days ago
please
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