we should send all the zionists to tel aviv in a big box the way garfield sends nermal to abu dhabi

one time when i was like 16 or 17 my dad and i were driving somewhere having a full on conversation when Ginuwine’s ‘Pony’ came on the radio and he stopped mid-sentence said “oh shit, pony” turned it up as loud as possible and didn’t talk again til it was over. i think about it all the time

just found out my uncle died from autoerotic asphyxiation. i don’t know how many times i told him to keep the garage door open when he’s fucking his car

i work construction and i’m outside all winter so i wear those carhartt overalls when it’s particularly cold out but i call them my “jammies” and this one kid on my crew hates it so much he gets 𝘴𝘰 mad it’s hilarious

you know we’re in a dark place in this country bc 20 years ago the fakes and snakes would’ve never treated mr. worldwide mr. 305 the way they’re doing benito

my cat got jealous of me using the lint roller and started yelling at me so i had to explain to her that’s she’s basically all lint and she’d have a much different experience

please👏do👏not👏wear👏a👏hoodie👏if👏you👏aren't👏committed👏to👏making👏the👏hoodie👏strings👏the👏same👏length👏

Voting NO on the DHS funding bill is the bare minimum. Backing Kristi Noem’s impeachment is the bare minimum. Holding law-breaking ICE agents legally accountable is the bare minimum. ICE is beyond reform. Abolish it.

the videos of those people being murdered by ICE in Minnesota are very clear from at least three angles each and if you say anything to the contrary in support of the state-sanctioned death squad you’re being purposely obtuse and you’re really weird and cowardly no matter your reasons

listen my guy… can i call you ‘my guy’ your honor

[hanging out the passenger side of my best friend’s ride] what did you just call me??

you weirdos were all about 2a and “don’t tread on me” and all that until those who are 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 oppressed started arming themselves against 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 tyranny and now you’re snitching and bitching and tonguing the boot on your neck like the little sycophants you are

they’re braising me in a large dutch oven tomorrow with onions, carrots, celery, some red wine, beef broth and a bay leaf for several hours at 250°

yes i am a white MALE yes i am raising four DURABLE conservative BOYS to become MEN no i don't HUG them EVER my masculinity is THAT fragile yes i love ROCK n roll yes i live in a storage unit off route 22 i made some bad INVESTMENTS in a FAILED soft drink company

you ever bust so hard it farts after?

take me down to the suck me off city, where the ladies suck me off and also it’s a city. suck… me… off…

rest in piss you won’t be missed scott adams get fucked forever buddy you died on your knees begging for help from the ruling class with their boot in your mouth

JD Vance’s mother took a vicodin for a headache once and the butterfly effect has led us here

they can’t hide bryce dallas howard’s big fat ass from me no matter how hard they try. i will find it

she was right about everything

my brother went to high school with jonathan ross and said he was the kid that would pull his pants and underwear all the way down to his ankles and hold his shirt up past his nipples at the urinal

gender-swapped lyric in the david byrne cover of drivers license. sorry baby if you’re singing o-rod you gotta be gay for 3 minutes and 25 seconds no excuses

cringe to call something “orwellian” anymore bc the world’s corniest co-opted it and used it incorrectly til it lost all meaning but watching something very clearly happen with your own eyes then having the government tell you it didn’t is just about as 1984 as it gets

if the ladies really don’t like the term “flat doggy” maybe we can change it to spatchcock. it’s already got a dirty word in it and everything

Calling in to work over encumbered

it never even went viral or anything but I once saw someone in the replies of a tweet say that aimee terese “looks like a shriek from a dry well” and not a day has gone by without me thinking about it

just won the annual freestyle battle for DILFs and DILF-adjacent men by rhyming "wake up aching" with "take up baking" and they banned my opponent from the hardware store for a year

quit then pussy

and so what? who cares

We’re just normal men

they keep strapping me to the apparatus at work no matter how much i kick and scratch

it’s about to be 2026 i think it’s high time we finally remove the stigma from cutting your life into pieces. especially if it’s your last resort

You can always design a chandelier in your mind when confronted with a blabbermouth or a bloviator. Like, that’s available to you.

Babe did you want health insurance this year or are we good

I thought the Epstein emails would be difficult to read for a different reason

couples costume idea

just saw pics of a man getting married in one of those peaky blinders ass caps. like he was in front of the priest with that shit on vowing

website i’ve never been to ever in my life: you’ve read your last free article you piece of shit. you abomination. we should just give you this recipe for free? for NOTHING? get real scumbag. already a member? log in :)

free palestine

me and who

“i’ve never seen autism in anyone under 70 years old” well whenever my grandmother has to go to a new place she prints out directions and drives there a day in advance just to make sure she “knows how to do it” so jot that down

texting every hot girl in my phone “of course. anything for you. love you” quickly followed by “whoops sorry that was for my mom 🫣”

you got understand, CK was a moneymaking operation for republicans and in lieu of him being able to do that they are going to put his name on everything. when you point out that he sucked shit you really threaten their brand. that's really what this is all about

PACKWATCH

i wonder how many HVAC guys get Cask of Amontillado’d every year. just seems like you’re kinda asking for it frequenting strangers’ attics and basements all the time. i’ll bet it’s not zero

it’s wild how we’re giving elmo a pass when with any other public figure, we’d be demanding accountability instead of making excuses like “he got hacked”. i think it’s clear that elmo has held a grudge against jewish people ever since larry david beat him up on live television.

taco bell and chipotle don’t wound me tummologically bc i approach them both courageously with a warrior’s spirit and an intestinal fortitude and presence of self not seen since alexander the great

AI filmmaking is peeing. It’s pooping. It’s throwing up. It’s a new kind of liquid coming out. It’s hated by the establishment. It’s what goes in the toilet. It’s wet. It’s what’s in the bathroom.

when we were 18 my friend and i went to our first strip club at like noon and there were only two dancers there and we befriended one with a super thick accent who made me guess where she was from and i said 'russia' and she said 'yis! the land of snow and bears how u know this'