We’re just normal men

they keep strapping me to the apparatus at work no matter how much i kick and scratch

it’s about to be 2026 i think it’s high time we finally remove the stigma from cutting your life into pieces. especially if it’s your last resort

You can always design a chandelier in your mind when confronted with a blabbermouth or a bloviator. Like, that’s available to you.

Babe did you want health insurance this year or are we good

I thought the Epstein emails would be difficult to read for a different reason

couples costume idea

just saw pics of a man getting married in one of those peaky blinders ass caps. like he was in front of the priest with that shit on vowing

website i’ve never been to ever in my life: you’ve read your last free article you piece of shit. you abomination. we should just give you this recipe for free? for NOTHING? get real scumbag. already a member? log in :)

free palestine

me and who

“i’ve never seen autism in anyone under 70 years old” well whenever my grandmother has to go to a new place she prints out directions and drives there a day in advance just to make sure she “knows how to do it” so jot that down

texting every hot girl in my phone “of course. anything for you. love you” quickly followed by “whoops sorry that was for my mom 🫣”

you got understand, CK was a moneymaking operation for republicans and in lieu of him being able to do that they are going to put his name on everything. when you point out that he sucked shit you really threaten their brand. that's really what this is all about

PACKWATCH

i wonder how many HVAC guys get Cask of Amontillado’d every year. just seems like you’re kinda asking for it frequenting strangers’ attics and basements all the time. i’ll bet it’s not zero

it’s wild how we’re giving elmo a pass when with any other public figure, we’d be demanding accountability instead of making excuses like “he got hacked”. i think it’s clear that elmo has held a grudge against jewish people ever since larry david beat him up on live television.

taco bell and chipotle don’t wound me tummologically bc i approach them both courageously with a warrior’s spirit and an intestinal fortitude and presence of self not seen since alexander the great

AI filmmaking is peeing. It’s pooping. It’s throwing up. It’s a new kind of liquid coming out. It’s hated by the establishment. It’s what goes in the toilet. It’s wet. It’s what’s in the bathroom.

when we were 18 my friend and i went to our first strip club at like noon and there were only two dancers there and we befriended one with a super thick accent who made me guess where she was from and i said 'russia' and she said 'yis! the land of snow and bears how u know this'

If you're using AI to write essays, eulogies, a text to your wife, I do think less of you as a person. Ceding your mental and creative abilities to a machine is an embarrassing thing and people should be ashamed to admit doing it in public.

elon murdered yuckytom bc he had become too powerful. a beacon in the dark…. much can be learned from this

guy whose brand is goofy dude that respects women and minorities who just hit 10,000 followers on a social media platform: well, time to do some sex crimes

haven’t read a single word about the best new game i’ve played in years on any social media platform and that’s how i know i can’t trust any of you to have correct opinions on anything

i’ve been saying stuff for as long as i can remember

when it’s my turn to talk at the IBS support group

never not thinking about winona ryder as björk on celebrity jeopardy

Friendly reminder to my mans @yuckytom.bsky.social that this remains a never-skip on the old Spotifys.

cut my stress into pieces at this spa & resort meditation; slow breathing did a cold plunge and the water was freezing

Can’t believe Twitter keeps crashing despite Elon hiring the best 19-year-old interns that racism has to offer

yes i support DEI drinks—>edible—>intercourse

do i look like beavis to you buddy cuz you’re acting like a real butthead

i have never “jerked off” i am a proud alpha male and i am in complete control of every single urge. i will sometimes tug on my penis until a gallon of sticky fluid erupts from it but only to balance my humors and reset my chakras i would never do something as filthy as “pleasuring myself”

[getting a dm from someone who posts their bf all the time] are you guys open or do you just cheat i’m fine with either

inviting all the women i’m in love with over for an easter potluck to show them the powerpoint presentation where i rank them but assuring them they’ll be reevaluated after we try each dish and reconvene on memorial day

I didn’t believe this was real until I logged into Facebook and saw the blue dot. I do not authorize Mark Zuckerberg or any Meta employee to fuck my wife and become my children’s legal father

am i walkin here? (new yorker in the midst of existential crisis)

my wiener vs. her iud

used to be you could use a pulley system to raise up a piano to a great height and drop it onto an enemy and that person would simply accordion out from under it with a large lump on their head and their teeth replaced by the piano’s keys but nowadays that would kill a man. because of woke

bro we’re gonna be the change we wish to see in the world later if you want to pull up

at guitar center plugged in and playing the opening riff to ‘when i come around’ over and over until an old guy with a ponytail comes over and says ‘killer tune brother’

seafood restaurants with a raw bar should have an option for you to go Otter Mode™ where they present you with an unshucked oyster and a huge rock for you to bang it on

[commercial for edging] seems like these days it’s all about instant gratification… same day delivery and life in the fast lane… but over here… we do things a little differently

Elon Musk: Why isn’t there enough water in California? Grok (burning through an entire lake to generate an answer): Wokeness

following my cat around the apartment asking how he can possibly be america’s biggest little boy while he ignores me and walks faster and faster like a reporter chasing the defendant after the judge reads the guilty verdict

as someone who lives into New Jersey and commutes into New York the idea that I would drive my fucking car there is the most insane shit I've ever heard. why don't i just drag my bathtub there every day. why dont I bring my stove

me and my boy cat? we’re buddies. but me and my girl cat?? we’re SISTERS and that’s an unbreakable bond. i can’t wait for her cat mitzvah it’s gonna be legendary

8 maids a milking my prostate

[on my deathbed] come closer Grodger… Kobeiye… JaxXxon… my boys… closer…. he was right y’know…. we all laughed but he was right… it 𝘪𝘴 all about the he said she said bullshit…

*running down the street in the snow* Merry Christmas Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas Taco Bell! Merry Christmas 24 Hour Fitness! Merry Christmas you wonderful ol' Verizon Store!