JOKER: Not so fast, Bat-JERK! My LAUGHBangs will leave you BLIND as a BAT! BLUESKY BATMAN: Oof. Many people suffer from reduced vision. Not funny. JOKER: It's like, it's a pun. It's just wordplay. BLUESKY BATMAN: Sorry if I'm not in the mood for "jokes" while SCOTUS shreds our constitutional rights

pitching some new highway signs. what do you guys think of this one: “drive sober, or stink like an ogre”

Painting by Jacques Soulas. ‘Tumbling Raspberries’ Oil on linen. Size 40 x 40 in.

taking out your contacts after a long day is like taking off your eye bra

if I hear one more person claim it’s cheaper to order food than to cook at home I’m breaking into your house and hitting you with a brick

none of you know the thrill and the danger of being a woman making a béchamel sauce for the first time ever without a recipe

me [about to say something I’ve never said before in my life]: I’ve said it once I’ll say it a thousand times

im going through a music phase

This is the way ❤️ (A WEDDING, d. Altman, 1978) @criterionchannl.bsky.social

my bank account was breached today which is scary but also kinda extremely funny considering I have about $250 to my name rn. like once I stop panicking I giggle a little bc I just know they were steaming when they logged in and saw that

why are stores targeted at millennial women so obsessed with putting ruth bader ginsburg on things

I can’t believe there used to be a world where I would go to work on my birthday

hey what’s up with the like tons of places now that straight up do not offer receipts and we’re all just accepting this? I cannot be the only person in the world and in this economy who actually cares about where their money is going

bitches be going to the park “to read” and taking their binoculars “just in case” and end up slinking around the ramble for 2 hours because they heard a blackburnian warbler it’s me I am bitches

we really haven’t given faith hill enough credit for working “centrifugal” into there

full day of pretty and delicious cooking ◡̈

okay, I think I we have enough cannabis dispensaries in new york. we can stop now.

the last date I went on before I started dating my current partner ended with the guy giving me a pat on the shoulder. my point here is that when you hit rock bottom, truly the only way is up

“omg I could never live in nyc it’s too loud” joke’s on you because I stay absolutely RIPPING farts on the platform when the train is rolling up and nobody ever knows a thing

you’ve been scheduled for euthanasia bro. Bro we gotta put you down

they should invent a me that isn’t miserably allergic to the literal air for two months out of every year

two gas stations, both alike in dignity, in fair Pennsylvania where we lay our scene

social media isn’t fun anymore because you used to open an app and there was a chance you might see a dog surfing or a cockatoo playing the piano and be like woooooah. now anything cool you see could likely be ai. no novelty no magic dead internet

Had a three -eft afternoon while walking between ponds listening for toads. Warm, rainy spring afternoons are perfect weather to bring out these beautiful and toxic amphibians.

how it feels to hold both the thought of going on the job search again and the thought of how dramatically better my life will become if I can secure the salary I’m looking for at the same time

every time the weather starts getting nice in NYC again my thoughts just become damn I can’t believe there used to be a time when I wanted to kms….. look at all this bounty

unfortunately I have recently realized that a solid 40% of my problems stem from the fact that I regularly don’t get enough sleep

a full day of delicious vegan meals!

HEY LADIES 😳 👊/||\_ _/¯ ¯\_ when your man wanna get buck wild 👋 \ 😔 || \_ _/¯ ¯\_ JUST GO BACK AND HIT EM UP STYLE 😜 👊/||\_ 💳 _/¯ ¯\_

nyc cyclists would rather watch you die than let you cross the street on a rightful pedestrian signal

what if you: pray to god for a pedestrian-friendly american city 🙏🏻🙏🏻😤 but god said: “best I can do is new york drivers and cyclists boss” 😴💯💯

just emailed my property manager yet again telling them at this point I will settle for just a written statement that says the terms of the lease are still being settled so I don’t have to become a squatter in my own home in less than 3 days

I’m at ICE HQ

if you applied the work ethic of the average “property manager” to literally any real job on earth you’d be fired within a month. absolute sacks of lead. resource-sucking burdens upon this earth. bar none the worst candidates to be stewards of thousands of dollars of actual working peoples’ money

Pretty crazy how important the blockade of a trade route is right now

getting in one of those times square bike cabs and immediately asking the driver to change the music to Paul by Big Thief

I live my life in a distressing state of constantly feeling like I shop exclusively at a store that sells the world’s smallest leeks and the world’s largest shallots according to every recipe ever written

The kids don't know about the Amanda Bynes poster hastily airbrushed to avoid implying she endorsed peace

they should continue the nyc driving ban past 12 pm tomorrow or maybe indefinitely. just for funsies just for a laugh

unmarried men LISTEN UP!!! too many of you are showing up to your literal WEDDING looking busted as hell because you didn’t get your suit tailored to fit correctly. a suit only looks good if it fits! GET YOUR DAMN SUITS FITTED!!! I AM WATCHING!

I love plating something like this up and then walking it 20 feet to my dining table and shoving it into my maw with the type of table manners that a victorian-era parent would use to justify child abuse

Happy Valentine’s Day! Share the love!

reformation be like omg you’d look sooooo pretty in this dress if you weighed 103 pounds

it's hard to understand how things got so bad. my theory is we didn't have enough thinkpieces by people in their 30s interrogating the politics of cartoons for children. forty or fifty more of those coulda turned this all around

I don’t think I want to have a big wedding someday but I DO want my parents and my sister and my 40 closest friends and my 9 cousins and 8 aunts and uncles and 2 surviving grandparents and all of their partners to be there do you see my problem