at Chipotle asking the burrito guy to “slop me up pup”

a lot of centrists love platner because their idea of the “average American” is a moderate progressive with nazi tattoos

half a suburban high school's worth of people control whether or not you can eat this week

We Are Mr.Pussy

i shouldn't have to tell people about major life events. they should be able to divine it from my vibes

leaked windows 12 feature: opening file explorer costs 12 cents

sure you're worried about "gas prices" but have you considered how difficult it's gonna be for people like me, who like to coat themselves in petroleum-based jelly each morning??

sharpening my tight five on hinge. It's not funny and no one is laughing but it is a captive audience which is better

If they want me back they have to go fully Woke 2, sorry. Whole hog. I gotta be able to get an abortion there

i am so glad democrats are finally talking about R

actress tilly norwood has been deleted after being found unconscious next to a script containing a mistyped wildcard. she was 0

they almost made his drop his croissant

still zero. no sheep near me for the past three days

is “blood moon” a good sign?

it’s crazy that they’re so down to bring back Jesus like that guy isn’t casting a spell to turn their insides into outsides the second He finds out about any of the shit they’ve done

Minecraft tilled dirt block

Iran is closing the straight homos or something

someone should've told walt whitman to shut the fuck up

When it finally happens:

there is actually a second trump, whose beauty and age have not faltered in forty five years

(democratic consultant) should we appeal to rich people who want to kill kids or dumb people who want to kill kids. this is a toughie :/

wife chasing me around the kitchen table with a rolling pin because she found me in the epstein files being a Mossad Operative

getting word iran launching strikes on mr beast land in saudi arabia source tells me mr beast land is stable please god

current mood 🇺🇸

This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t

Never forget who you’re fighting for.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

clopping + intellectualism = Luxemburgism

preemptively shooting my neighbors windows out

A significant part of this whole fascist coup thing America is currently doing is simply about the fact that, for a hot minute more than a decade ago, it became ever so slightly difficult for mediocre wealthy white male failuppers to be completely immune from criticism for being sexual predators.

i may be going crazy but I think I just saw an ai generated Epstein in a jeep commercial

Don’t worry everything is fine we’re just getting a blood moon, why are you so worried babe, the moon is crying blood tears you’re making it sad

vibe check

(walt whitman at an orgy) i contain multidudes

joe Biden

please hit the link in my bio to support my anti-woke production of Rent

counting sheep right now. Zero at the moment but will keep you updated

i’m awake at British hours which means I get to learn about “greens” (not vegetable)

the term "ball cock" has been taking off online recently

please hit the link in my bio to support my anti-woke production of Rent

about to debut on stage as Captain Hook and this lady says “break a leg” um no. they’ve got props for that. The peg doesn’t have to be real

sixth dimensional being force feeding me time-altered carrots right now like that weird ass looking fish

i know shit looks bleak rn but if it’s any comfort, zach levi, a man once touted as leading man material for major blockbusters, has been reduced to being a Fox News correspondent and a daily wire “actor”

recession indicator

Mamdani getting a kidnapped kid released from ICE in less than a day kinda lays bare the full depravity of the Democrats' "we can't just DO things" mentality for the last year.

People are always like what’s something you miss from the past and one of mine is antitrust laws

This is, quite possibly, the funniest response to “Hillary Clinton might be lying about her pedophile bestie” anyone could have ever cooked up

i think if you gave yoda a glass of fluoridated water and he drank it he'd scream in pain and vomit blood and die on his back with his limbs curled up like a cockroach