I told my 7 year old son that at the dentist they had to knock me out, he said sagely “ah, with a punch?” and I was like no with drugs and he was like “if would be funny if they had a boxer that punched you”

humans were designed to live in neighborhoods full of our friends and the fact that we don’t is a big part of what’s wrong with society

got raptured

today being the rapture, bi visibility day, and my birthday

excited to get back to not watching jimmy kimmel by choice instead of by fiat

I know we’re all having a collective giggle about the Christians who are convinced the rapture is happening tomorrow but the thing I can’t stop thinking about is the psychological damage being done to the children in those households

who wants a thread of meme themed party costumes from last night? you’re getting one!! 🧵

costume for my meme themed birthday party tonight - trisha paytas with newly reincarnated queen elizabeth

there is a man standing outside YOUR door right now. he's holding a medieval poleax and he's going to rip you to absolute shreds with it. please subscribe to my newsletter for more updates about the man

Barry and The Nameless One

trying to make small talk in an elevator when you’re in there with a total stranger for 15 seconds is like objectively stinky nasty freak behavior right?

spent most of the weekend in a rooftop pool (and the rest seeing the McElroy brothers live)

The "WC" on toilet doors stands for "we crappin'"

if i was on the planes it would have gone down exactly like that, maybe even worse

Real life hack to never hit a red light is to have something you’re desperately waiting to do on your phone at the next red light

no woke sign is gonna tell *me* what water’s potable

old man yaoi is obviously yaoi about old men, but personally I like to think of him as an elemental force of nature like father christmas

Weirdest thing about old people culture is when you tell them their total is $6.98 and they get all excited and say “wait! I think I have the 39 cents!” and then their change is still like $14.61

Arthur Conan Doyle reposting AI pics as “proof” of fairies

Finally someone powerful is having their life ruined by a podcast and not just me, a man who gets 27 Factor meals delivered every single day

new saddest six word story just dropped

You can tell when a show is "adult animation" because it's the ugliest thing you've ever seen

i like how much of the media around luigi lately has been "this guy fucks" but in an angry tone

creamer nation how we feeling

the Small Business Owner? oh you mean the psychopaths who pay a lower hourly wage for the privilege of telling me we’re all a family here? ok

this is the face of a man who is about to end the bird flu epidemic by eating every infected bird

living the dream (watching challengers with my two boyfriends and making them pick which one of the guys is hotter)

Probably one of my top three controversial opinions is that it’s typically more considerate/respectful to deliver bad news via text vs. a face to face conversation. I’d infinitely rather be broken up with (for example) in a context where I can take my time to process it privately before responding.

i’m building a team of pathetic losers

I will be annoying y'all with some party pics off and on. This baddie is @sadie.bsky.social

at a local polycule birthday party!! the theme is Fever Dream happy birthday @nicococreates.bsky.social

going bluesky viral (200 likes)

discovered that Little Caesar’s has an Apple Watch app and it’s just this image that you can’t interact with in any way

"Mr. Frodo was selling his beautiful hole" - JRR Tolkien

sure, groceries are getting too expensive and planes are dropping out of the sky every day, but have you considered you now have the Opportunity to invest in DookyCoin, the legal crypto that let’s me steal from you?

the most essential members of society are the people who post screenshots of paywalled NYT receipts on Facebook

Do you have any likes for my posts on your phone?

are managers everywhere obsessed with the word “callout” or is that a specific regional thing where I live

getting taken on a valentines date to a sushi restaurant with microtransactions

they hate this btw