*Chris de Burgh voice*

I’m sorry you think I “ruined” your Gatsby-themed party by sleeping with your wife and dying in the pool.

Me: I feel like maybe I don't allow myself to be happy because deep down there's a part of me that believes I don't deserve to be, you know? Dr Loomis: *scribbling notes* dead eyes pure evil

They say A.I. can replace our jobs but I’d like to see A.I. quickly burn out and make the overall environment toxic. Okay I’m being told that’s the main thing it does.

Waiting patiently for my 3G to search and save Don Draper I Don’t Think About You At All Meme so I can win this argument.

I can’t help but notice you’ve not immediately paid me for the invoice it took me seven months to get round to sending you.

Head barista: So I'm thinking we offer rolls, full breakfasts, hot drinks to sit in or takeaway... Tim Robinson character in the back: yeah and what if the whole cafe could be dracula themed

some awful nice timbers you’ve got there be a shame if someone were to shiver them

Dinner - CANNOT have the same thing twice in 1 week or so help me god - Need veg, protein, carbs, all the groups - Need to clean 8 dishes - All day's been leading up to this, don't fuck it up Breakfast - Same shit every day - Hot coffee - Cereal - Smash hit every time - The best

There is an epidemic amongst young men and it’s looking at your phone at the urinal. Look at you, you’re doing it right now.

I genuinely believe raincoats that are yellow are more waterproof and there’s no science to back that up

Love this picture of Batman with a tablet like he’s about to tell you there’s a 50 minute wait for a table but he can seat you at the bar

After the films about Dylan going electric and Springsteen going acoustic, I cannot wait for the 2+ hour Oscar bait biopic all about when Tom Waits went full Cookie Monster

It's so funny knowing someone who created a meme @cbthorburn.bsky.social

Two months till #edfringe? Here, have a time-ordered list of gig recommendations: noblefailure.org/ed25 Ben Target! @cbthorburn.bsky.social! Elf Lyons! @jennyfromthequiz.bsky.social! @josielong.bsky.social! @joznorris.bsky.social! @leslieis.cool! @turlygod.bsky.social! @vixleyton.bsky.social!

when the casino asked me to leave my own stag do

🍌 TOP BANANA 🍌 Tonight at 7pm & 9pm! Catch our weekly new act / new material show, featuring all the best newcomers and a top headliner - for just £3! @cbthorburn.bsky.social & #KatieGreen host and headline 🎟 buff.ly/VMwVeVx . . . #comedy #edinburgh #whatsonedinburgh #monkeybarrel

Much gig goodness coming to Glasgow Comedy Festival (glasgowcomedyfestival.com/events/) this month, go see e.g. Joe Sutherland! Kemah Bob! Fern Brady! @cbthorburn.bsky.social! Kieran Hodgson! @jainedwards.bsky.social! Richard Brown! Watching Bad Movies With Great Comedians! With more Chris Thorburn!

My muppet and I saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe

David Lynch was my favourite director and I’m absolutely floored by his loss. Here’s the stupid joke of mine he inspired. Thanks for everything David.

Can’t believe it’s that time already.

Not sure what to get that special someone for Christmas? Well it was two days ago so I’m sorry. You’ve fucked it. Anyway I’m bringing a new Work In Progress to Glasgow Comedy Festival in March and tickets are on sale now. www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com/performances...

SIMPLY HAVING A

proud

In the spirit of Christmas I'm going to use my first post to draw attention to something by @cbthorburn.bsky.social that has greatly improved my enjoyment of Jingle Bell Rock

some awful nice timbers you’ve got there be a shame if someone were to shiver them

she’s perfect

The original tweet made me laugh so uncontrollably that my family made coasters out of it

Members of the jury, I ask you: why do we enjoy Mars? Is it the flavour? The texture? Or is it the great big throbbing vein?

THIS THURSDAY – FINAL SHOW OF 2024! One whole year of Screen Time, whodathunkit? Wrapping it up in style with another class lineup: 📺 Chris Thorburn 📺 Amelia Bayler 📺 Amanda Dwyer 📺 Rory Spence 📅 Thursday 5 December 📍 The Stand Comedy Club, Glasgow 🎟️ www.thestand.co.uk/performance/...

NEW EPISODE DAY From Boogie Nights to Raj-ing Hardon. In this episode Stu & Joe and special guest CHRIS THORBURN discuss, among other things, a one man Shawshank Redemption and Danny De Vito's Cambodian adventure. "Songs for squatchin' lovers." www.buzzsprout.com/2208783

Such a funny episode with the excellent @cbthorburn.bsky.social

Amazing night at Drygate Comedy Lab. Sad to see it go but @cbthorburn.bsky.social & all the acts tonight did a fuckin' incredible job as always.

Put all the Scottish and Scotland based comedians I'm aware of on here in this starter pack. I think, I probably missed people, I'm sorry. go.bsky.app/JecbjH2

Witness the beginning of a #DarkUniverse.

Hello BlueSky, here’s the Olivia Newton John song Xanadu but it’s about the Babadook

Me: I feel like maybe I don't allow myself to be happy because deep down there's a part of me that believes I don't deserve to be, you know? Dr Loomis: *scribbling notes* dead eyes pure evil

Truman: Welcome to Twin Peaks. Everyone is cheating on everyone else. Half the high school students work in a brothel, the other half abuse and distribute cocaine. There’s an unfathomable evil deep in the woods. Cooper: These are the best people in the world and I’m moving here.

🎵 let’s talk about stress baby let’s talk about lack of sleep let’s talk about working full time and the deadlines you can’t meet 🎵

You can’t have two duck names

apparently these go great with mushy peas

Youth Pastor: this one is for the boy in the tiny manger no crib for a bed for our lord and saviour

I loved this series until they got cancelled for doing Lolita

The coaster under the drink you just picked up:

*gets hoist* WHOSE PETARD IS THIS?! *checks* oh for fuck

I WAS NOOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL NOOTING FOR YOU