When he dies, I'll come alive

I say this in Christian love Shut the fuck up Stephen

The amount of ads I have to watch on Peacock (which we ALREADY PAY FOR) to see 5 minutes of the Olympics is fucking ridiculous

Carl: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A CASSEROLE SENATOR MURPHY???!!! THEY'RE TAKING OUR CREAM OF MUSHROOM!!! THEY'RE TAKING OUR CULTURE!!! Murphy: *chewing* Can I offer you a churro Mr. Carl? Carl: *head explodes*

Heraskevych won't get a chance to medal, or even to compete, but at least he won't feel the shame that every member of the IOC should feel

The amount of ads I have to watch on Peacock (which we ALREADY PAY FOR) to see 5 minutes of the Olympics is fucking ridiculous

That's EXACTLY what an AI librarian would say. Suspicious 📚

the fox assures us that the hen house is safe

I have a curler's body

Catchers reporting for duty Thank God #STLCards

I'm a few push-ups aways honestly

I bet I could be in the Olympics if I worked out more

I hate it when the athletes fall

Her: *crying* Me: Oh, uh...I think your emotions are leaking out of your face

Hey baby, you're lookin pulchritudinous Yes, I am using that word correctly

So, is everybody's posting about to get a lot more conservative?

me walking away and letting my kids fight it out

Help, I didn't know those SVU freaks were in my vicinity

It's not that we don't believe you. We know too. But you need that one piece of shit buddy to keep things interesting

The Ents are going to war

If Tr*mp started a dad band, it would be called Bare Naked Racists

He drafted this yesterday and finally pressed send

damn that farm be fucked

OH MY GOD IT WAS LIAM

The Americas is going to have every sorry ass pundit trying to write something negative but hey that was correct

God bless this America specifically

I bet Yadie was somewhere out there

That was no Kendrick, but Bad Bunny was pretty fun

One year ago

damn that farm be fucked

me training for my olympic speed skating debute

40-and-ups were hoping she would show up some young ones Instead, we got an ugly reminder that we can't do that shit anymore

The Olympics make me feel patriotic until the camera pans to the crowd and you see some dipshits drapped in American flags chanting "USA! USA!" Miss me with that shit

Dudes too

40-and-ups were hoping she would show up some young ones Instead, we got an ugly reminder that we can't do that shit anymore

I fall in love with every female figure skater for the duration of her program

Seen on my morning run Yes and amen Happy Lord's Day

Seen on my morning run Yes and amen Happy Lord's Day

When on a hiring committe, you should: a) always provide interview questions in advance b) never provide interview questions in advance c) provide questions in the first round but not the second d) some other scenario Provoked by reading this: acrlog.org/2026/02/05/m... 📚

I despise the philosophy of "move fast and break things" except when it comes to abolishing and prosecuting ICE Warp speed and demolish that shit

Fuck you

"The way I see it, this world is basically faith versus shite." - The Catholic priest from season 3 of Blue Lights

Without naming your job, tell me something you say over and over again at work. "Bathrooms are around that corner." 📚

Free Puig

Them: This is above your pay grade Me: I don't have a pay grade [I am unemployed]

"The way I see it, this world is basically faith versus shite." - The Catholic priest from season 3 of Blue Lights

Coworker: Wow, you're really nosy Me: You mean persistent in my pursuit of information? Yeah, I'm a librarian bro. That's just being good at my job Coworker: You don't need to know my salary Me: It's ok, I'm a professional 📚