who up stpawing they beppies

funniest highlights of the philly police scanner, a thread

lebron jim

shout out to wendy’s

🙏 thinking of you in these tough times

marx is child’s play compared to what i read

life’s greatest questions have always been: who am i? where did i come from why am i here? is chep a brambles company?

if this post gets 5 likes i will become God

GO BIRDS 🦅

Ask "Is it?" when someone says "it's nice to meet you".

in the tavern gone off the mead

I can’t think of a worse place to get deloused than in a comatorium

stop naming your babies james. name him jame. he is one jame.

there are hundreds of wolves inside you and they are building a temple to worship a god that lives in your spleen

scrolled by this fast and thought Gandalf was in the fucking mafia

if you die in an Arby’s, you die in real life

a bubbling cauldron of mysterious and powerful sludge would fix me

pumping my fist and hollering support

[Mulder softly whispering "I want to" at every exhibit in the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum.]

$20 Practice hand for…

hanging with my gnomies

oh fuck babe you’re so hot i’m going to suffer a rapid unscheduled disassembly

bitchin balls, bro

NO. NO. NO. variety.com/2025/film/ne...

Such is my punishment for stealing fire from the gods.

send this skeet to your crush/partner and ask “will you hold my goo for me?” and send me the results

[I attempt to unzip my jeans but as the zipper reaches the end of its track it continues down, ripping the fabric of reality in twain and creating a vortex that rips my dong (penis, dick, or wang) wholly off my body and sends it whistling through the void] me: ah dang.

hash tag new profile pic

sex is so embarrassing. like here hold my goo for me

i lifted up a rotten log in the woods and no one knew you

When God sings with his creations, will a goblin not be part of the choir?

bartender: why the long face? horse: wife exploded

This account is now sponsored by the Woods™. The Woods™: "Go ahead and go in 'em. Don't even...don't even worry about it."

go birds 🦅

we have evolved as a species past the need for hollandaise sauce

yeah the Phil Collins stuff is fine but i’m really a fan of

Sorry for casting evil spells on you I had low blood sugar

me: [drinking from a human skull] him: is that full of blood? me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

bro you forget yourself

just invented a new guy called “john marshmallows”. what’s his deal you ask? what’s his whole thing you wonder? that’s secret. that’s just for me.

Tennis would be a beautiful name for a baby boy

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about? me: [thinking "do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?"] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

me: want to go out robot crush: indeed [later] me: want to go back to my place robot date: indeed [years later] me: want to get married robot bf: indeed [50 years later] me:[dying breath] i love you man robot husband: I Love You Man is a 2009 film starring Paul Rudd & Jason Segel