Never been married but starting to understand why Liz Taylor got divorced so many times.

whose idea was it for real life to be so real life-y

There is honestly nothing funnier to me than people who type in the wrong address and proceed to get hopping fucking mad when their parcel gets delivered somewhere else.

Thank you to all the new followers. Perhaps one of you can answer why my bum only itches when I'm out in public and can't itch it? A conundrum indeed.

If I get to 1k followers I will post absolutely nothing of importance

Cry hard, shitpost harder...

I temporarily forgot that everybody is a cunt *ahem* hi

Wanted to write a load of nonsense. Haven't. Is this maturity?

Just feeling safe enough to walk home blaring the Vengaboys. Love living in Europe. The best. Fuck yank gun shit just listen to eurotrashpop please fwends ^

even if he isn't dead, cremate him anyway

If Trump is dead because he hasn't been seen in public for a few days, please, check on your World of Warcraft friends. They may have expired years ago.

If Trump doesn’t appear in the next few years or so, send out a search party, perhaps.

Made a lame joke about 'that KLF song' ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha etc. Boyfriend actually laughed. Finally, a relationship set to easy mode.

Tom Clancy's Very Hungry Caterpillar

If I hear the word 'flag' in this country one more fucking time this week then I'm actually going to kill myself

Boyfriend; I wriggle like a dog making its bed when I can't sleep *2 hours later* '...This dog can't get comfy'

'Camping tables are great for somewhere to eat, but also to keep food off the ground or store things' Ah, thank you; I'd been totally unable to imagine what I might possibly use a table for.

If C-3PO and R2-D2 were in a relationship, would it be a gay relationship? Or would it be non-binary? And how could it be non-binary if their robotic brains use binary logic gates? Do droids in the Star Wars universe use binary logic ? I need to cut back on my coffee.

Level of tired; tried to set an alarm on the calculator

i may not be funny or sexy or smart but my friends they alllllll agree on that

Your TL is full of garbage. Followed.

I seldom make monkey noises but when I do, they are always voluntary. Of course I've always been a well grounded individual.

A friend's Italian mum just tried speaking to me in Italian. The only words I can remember are 'hello', 'fuck off' and 'double-flusher'.

Well that was a nice break from the crippling reality of dying alone at my PC

Between now and the 23rd, I'm gonna be a bit Spammy with my Twitch, sorry in advance. But I want to get to 100 before my NDA drops, and then I can stream the game I've been play testing. So I need 15 more followers to hit that mark. if i hit that I'll shut up sooner. www.twitch.tv/c4darkmane

This is what I imagine it is.

Today I am keeping submarines safe. By drinking coffee and going nowhere near them.

Going back to bed to dream of supernoodles

Not all heroes wear capes. For example this morning I am wearing shorts and a T shirt.

Check, please! Owner of ‘Trump Burger’ MAGA joints is nabbed by ICE and called ‘illegal alien’ facing deportation

Ever let out a sneeze so loud you get Ring community notifications about it? No?

Hate when book reviews restate the entire plot before sharing their opinion. Oh this is a story about a guy that won’t eat green ham? AND he won’t eat green eggs either?? Grow up. I don’t need a summary of the plot (the book jacket or cover can get me that). JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THE HAM

'Your movie continues uninterrupted after this break' We clearly have different interpretations of 'continues uninterrupted' because what the fuck do you call this if not an interruption?

My dad is sending me lovely pictures of him golfing in Switzerland What am I doing? Drinking Tesco cider and watching Robocop

My favorite Chatbot is my own notoriously unreliable brain.

Important update; the cat has started purring every time she hears Sam Seder

Overnight oats? I’m more in the market for commitment oats.

I’m really, really good at bad decisions.

P.S Sharon Osbourne is on the Epstein list

Wtf why do I have to provide ID to access direct messaging? Not that I message anybody anyway but ummmmmm ummmm ummmm, how about no?

Today's level of gluttony; Ate an omelette so big it tired me out enough to get into bed before 3pm

Don't despair; it's never too late to start eating food for tiktok

Tuna says GROMP

I am not sorry for sharing this post.

Why is Ticketmaster the biggest pile of shit website for errors when you've got a fucking obnoxiously small-time limit

I don't need to know when people repost my reposts, I need everyone who has ever wronged me to call and say I was right

Sorry you don’t understand my malapropisms and solecisms, dummy

Had a craving for Foo Yung. I'll make one! Due to cupboard (and shop) limitations, added green beans, salmon & shiitake mushrooms. I also don't have a wok, or msg etc. So I've just made a weird omelette that once received a postcard from Chinese cuisine, but it was pretty nice regardless, 7/10.

10 mins into Ozzy and cry.

It is going to be so weird watching Sabbaths final performance tonight. Gutted I didn't get tickets for the gig, but happy get to share this with friends; considering the only time I've seen Sabbath live some guy was twisting his wifes nipples the entire way through, which was a bit distracting.