it’s mr. burg ur turts

can someone come over and hold my jaw open while I sleep

Most books contain insufficient whale facts

lot going on, sorry to chime in so late, but in this house we are Red Sox fans tonight

uuids in the wild

neighbor just asked if I like Nutella & handed me a homemade concha

does this mean the feds are asleep or

I have a very specific Hanif Abdurraqib question that I *think* is for long-time hanif heads or at least people who have followed him on social media for, if I had to guess, >5 years—is that any of yall or someone you know? anyone whose first thought is aarik, I already sent it to him lol

they don’t want you to know this but if you stay up later on sunday it takes longer for monday to get here

chotiner mr. beast

lmao just learned what larry ellison looks like

The magistrate was in his cups last night and told the whole tavern that Goody Smythe has a WAP. This morning he swears that he meant a Womanish yet Admirable Piety

the guardians winning on a walk-off hit-by-pitch walk is the funniest possible way for the #astros to be officially eliminated lmao. what a season

this but now it’s the rangers #astros

Nobody wants to produce my screenplay for “Giant Orphan Annie,” where she’s a six-hundred foot tall kaiju-child that will annihilate New York City unless the Warbucks Division at DARPA can find parents for her

👑👑👑 (her latest special is so good, highly recommend)

pretending to be asleep to set a good example for the dog

the 2025 astros should be studied (derogatory)

this serrano is gonna have to flirt a little harder if it wants me to pick up on the hint

5:30 pm central time. I’m calculating how soon I can realistically go to bed. Someone on the west coast posts “time for lunch.”

sorry im late i was vexed by riddles of the unquiet mind

Hello darkness you dumb bitch

my style icon is this exact frame of grandpa simpson

growing up, the church we went to didn’t have a building & rented space from another church. any time I had to tag along with my parents I holed up in the library & the only fiction was the left behind series, which I read fully under the impression that they were intended to be fantasy novels

Help I’m cryin

tried to type omg, mashed some buttons wrong, wound up with “I’m mf.” mf said I’m mf.

Zoomer who thinks the unabomber is a bomb defuser

Swerve me? ye cannot swerve me, else ye swerve yourselves! man has ye there. Swerve me?

gonna deactivate briefly in the next 8 hours, should be back in ~24. Feel free to mourn

swiss cheese but it's me making thin slices of your argument which is already full of holes

Hannah Einbinder

have you ever been the reason your friend hears 2 Phones by Kevin Gates for the first time in the year 2025

philosophers only want one thing and it’s discussing

Things are pretty much peak fucked up, but trying to imagine how absolutely bonkers it’d be if the final questioner had decided to ask about Epstein instead

on the one hand, femmes are generally expected to do more beauty upkeep, but on the other, I had to get my eyebrows done by someone new and now we know about each other’s worst breakups

left myself too much to do tomorrow but it’s in a list so it’s fine

tramp stamp that says MUSTAAAARD

the hell did dly get got for

My favorite inappropriate 9/11 thing, from Quack's, an excellent bakery in Austin, from about 10 years ago:

Everyone loves it when Ishmael says stuff like this but when I try it at Union Pool people go get the bouncer

tramp stamp that says MUSTAAAARD

me starting right now

hold on, we put KIMBREL in for this?? #Astros

MLB’s hottest club is the #Astros IL

brb, becoming Buff Slenderman

your move, jesus

idk if the glen powell gq shoot is real but it looks like his bones are trying to escape from his face

I understand the point being made but I cant handle anything remotely jokey about how the boobs are drawn

Listen up, 5s