Congratulations to Chris Mason on his election to Parliament. Surprised the BBC never covered it

Back in the day, they used to call my house in Muswell Hill “The Tree Fort”

Guys thank you for allowing me to fly you to my private island. Have fun but please respect my boundaries vis a vis minors trafficking. That’s just for me, sorry. Help yourself to ANYTHING in the fridge tho

I don’t understand why Six Feet Under isn’t spoken about with the same reverence as the shows mentioned here.

Son, sit down. I’m going to teach you about the nerds and the bees. “Don’t you mean the birds and the bees?” (Pops a copy of My Girl into an old VCR) No, son. I don’t.

Want to return to a website you've visited previously? No problem. Simply "bookmark" it following my handy guide. You don't even need to be a techie like me 🤓

Like an arsehole, it appears I left my passport on a Ryanair flight from Dublin to Stanstead. I have filled out the online form but what I want to hear now is positive stories from people who got their passports back after leaving them on Ryanair flights from Dublin to Stanstead. HIT ME!

Having been to the theatre last night (@daraobriain.bsky.social at Theatre Royal, Norwich, excellent show) I now have a new pet hate. People absent mindedly squeezing plastic bottles/cups and making a loud clicking sound all through the show. Well done, humans, for finding new ways to be irritating!

Ok. It was brilliant

Actually, it’s pretty good so far.

This is going to be shit.

There are a number of options available. Ultimately your choice of what body part/bodily fluid you introduce to their meal will come down to what pairs best with the wine they ordered.

When are restaurants going to learn you don’t just turn people away because you don’t like their far right views. You need to welcome them, serve them and then wipe your arse on their steak.

Well I, clearly, am not someone we should listen to.

‘Alright, so do me a picture with a couple of knights with horses fighting.’ ‘Bit odd, but okay.’ *later* ‘Have you done that picture with the knights on horseback fighting yet?’ ‘Oh yeah, actually that does make more sense.’ ‘Than what?’ ‘...nothing.’ ‘Than WHAT?’

NEW TOUR! Another dumb title, another uncomfortable pose: that's right, l've got a new show and I'd love you to see it. On-sale this Friday. Sign up to my mailing list for pre-sale (link in bio)!

God the tabloids and Brexit dinosaurs were boring today… 🦖 Braying the same “betrayal” lines they’ve brayed since they got what they wanted… then found they had no benefits in it whatsoever. Still they came out today to play victim yet again. But the world has moved on.

“There’s something I should tell you before I take your blindfold off..” Matthew Sweet

Pineapple Hangover Works quite well

🗣️ Ed Byrne: ‘I’ve never done therapy. It would make me less funny’ @mredbyrne.bsky.social talks male privilege, ADHD and how he copes with grieving his brother ➡️ Read more: trib.al/J9VDTxI

Well, this is nice

It took a while, but the plot of Phantom Menace is finally starting to make sense.

Today’s vague thing to be angry about: Places that claim to be pubs or bars but in reality turn out to be restaurants. A dirty trick to play on a travelling comedian.

I love reading posts like this.

‘It’s a...nice day for a...light sweater, it’s a...nice day for a...CARDIGAAAAN!

Keep seeing last week’s warm weather referred to as a “Fool’s Spring” which seems a bit harsh. It got warm in March. It doesn’t make us arseholes for thinking it was Spring.

I have clearly been listening to too much music news. I interpreted “drops” to mean “is releasing”.

I’d settle for a law that forces service stations to turn off the illuminated sign for whatever outlets are closed.

As a nervous writer I came down from Glasgow to shadow Radio Comedy for a week.I was put in the hands of a funny,smart and idiosyncratic producer who was generous with his time, wise in his advice and very happy to show me the ropes.They were extremely good ropes because the producer was Bill Dare.

Thinking about and trying to process the death of Bill Dare. A man happy to stare right through you while you pitched a sketch. (We nicknamed him Thousand Yard Dare.) But with the knowledge that this would make you explain yourself. Which - I now understand, at long last, Bill - is all comedy is.

Two #preshowpints of “Wellhouse” IPA by Hermitage Brewery for myself and TM Stu in The Cow and Cask Micropub, Newbury

Preshowpint (well, 400mi) of Pohjala “Helge” Hazy Pale Ale in Pohja Konn, Tallinn, Estonia

To whom it may concern, I will be filming my show, “Tragedy Plus Time” at the Bloomsbury Theatre on May 10th. It would be awesome if any of you could come along. www.ucl.ac.uk/event-ticket...

Oh cool, cheers, most places don’t let you.

Watching British politicians walking back their opinions about Trump is so disappointing. It would be like me suddenly sucking up to Michael McIntyre just so I can be on The Wheel.

Preshowpint of “Wastelander” American Pale by Portcullis Brewery in The Hole in the Wall, Portsmouth

Tonight’s preshow pint is a Citra Pale Ale by Oakham Ales in the Cross House Tavern, Tewkesbury which is a fantastic little spot.

Dining tip here, when holding a lavish banquet for your rivals, you should let your favoured confidante know you trust him by yanking him towards you and mumbling "you I can trust" in his ear through a mouthful of food, before pushing him roughly away, grabbing a goblet in your bejewelled hand etc

Give a man mashed potato and he will eat for a day, teach a man to mash potato and he will love you - now that he can dance - watch me now.

Preshowpint of Brixton “Reliance” in The Royal London, Wolverhampton

Dropped in to the Brewhouse and Kitchen, Poole for a preshowpint of their American Pale

Preshowpint of “Cold Spark” Citra Pale for me and a “Solaris” Pale for TM Stu both by Big Smoke Brew Co. In The Rising Sun, Epsom

The Tragedy Plus Time tour rolls on into 2025 Tonight: Epsom Playhouse Thursday: Poole Lighthouse Friday: Oxford Playhouse Saturday: Wolverhampton Grand Theatre Sunday: Weymouth Pavilion Tix through my website EdByrne.com

Booking a seat in advance saves time. You can then spend that time practicing having to confront the stranger you imagine will stubbornly refuse to move from the seat you've booked in advance.

Preshowpint of “Virtuous” Session IPA in Pavement Vaults. York

First preshow pint of 2025 is an “Idaho 7” Easy Pale by Stardust Brewery in A Hoppy Place, Maidenhead

“Quiet Place: Day One” Strong Horror, yet only MODERATE fear/peril. This film contains multitudes.

A return visit to one of my favourite drinking holes in Britain, BCM in Evesham for a #preshowpint of Tiny Rebel “Sertified Simcoe” for me and a Deya “Albino Pasta” 0.5% for support act @amyfmatthews.bsky.social

Watched Casino Royale with the kids (12 and 13). Verdict: “James Bond is not as good an agent as Ethan Hunt.” Fair enough.