Jeopardy keeps introducing me to new ways to say "unemployed".

My favorite season is the fall of everyone on the Epstein List.

Pin this to reference on March 8.

my friends in LA & I have been talking about this a lot—about how it seems that LA has been forgotten, even as we face some of the worst kidnappings we’ve seen all year

Europeans say things like "We have this thing that's totally socialism, but it's not socialism, that would be socialism!" SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE SOCIALISM HURT YOU!!!

I beg of you: please read the plot summary of this film en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Luc...

We got a new high school principal around the time Clinton was elected. He'd stand in the hallways and stare at girls. It was creepy, and he reminded me of our new president. Our church at the time convinced me Clinton was wrong for infidelity, but I know the truth now. He deserved to be impeached.

If Joe Biden had an MRI a month ago and we had no idea why it was done or on what body part and he claimed he had no idea about either of those things it would literally be all you heard about in the press but Trump just gets a huge pass b/c reporters treat him differently.

Do republicans yelling at us about Bill Clinton realize most of us were children during his administration and legally prohibited from voting? lol This is supposed to be some kind of gotcha? If he did bad things throw him in jail. I do not have Bill Clinton flags in my boat. (I do not have a boat).

I know it worries a lot of you that some of us have been making light of the things exposed in certain emails today. We are taking the crimes seriously. We just also need some mirth, and we've seen how the orange one almost enjoys being hated, but he can't stand being mocked. It's his kryptonite.

I will Venmo five American dollars to the first journalist bold enough to ask Trump who Bubba is.

They didn't have to make it look like a sperm, but that little bit of extra effort is what makes it sing.

This might be a stupid question, but has anyone told the insurance companies how much money they'll lose if they suddenly don't have any customers or subsidies anymore? They were powerful enough to lobby against single payer. Surely they can lobby to keep the subsidies that go right to them.

Oreoboros

While people debate over the legality of the ages of the *children* on Epstein Island, I'm here to remind you that even if they were adults, they weren't there willingly. They were trafficked there, and then they were raped, repeatedly, by the rich and powerful, who need to pay for their crimes.

Yeah, @kenjennings.bsky.social was right. I'm Gen X, and I was yelling at the TV right before he said Gen X was yelling at the TV.

SEATTLE: If you know someone who lives in Seattle and guess they probably voted for Katie Wilson for Mayor, your contribution to this fight is to text them this information about making sure they voted with their signature on the envelope! TEXT them NOW.

Jimmy Kimmel turned out to be such a different (kinder) person, it's hard to believe they once hosted The Man Show together.

Married conservative: A woman's place is at home, not the office. Divorced conservative: My ex-wife *chose* not to work.

Here...they are: 1. Catherine Cortez Masto (D–Nevada) 2. Jacky Rosen (D–Nevada) 3. John Fetterman (D–Pennsylvania) 4. Dick Durbin (D–Illinois) 5. Tim Kaine (D–Virginia) 6. Maggie Hassan (D–New Hampshire) 7. Jeanne Shaheen (D–New Hampshire) 8. Angus King (I–Maine, caucuses with Democrats)

Yeah, Vance is totally gonna divorce his wife so he's no longer "yoked to a non-believer". Then he's gonna announce his engagement to Erikkka Kirk a few months later.

Fun fact: There's no such thing as spiritual warfare; there's just religious people being assholes and getting called out for it.

Good morning! AI is being force-fed to you by a handful of billionaires who will lose a bunch of money if they fail to convince you that you need it. You do not need it 🫶

Atlanta, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco/Bay Area - here are some restaurants helping with food if you’re struggling with loss of SNAP benefits. Please share!

Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do

So the #NYRangers can literally go big OR they can go home, but they cannot do both.

Since it's now legal to open carry and use Subway subs as we see fit to defeat Nazis, gonna get me a bandolier this weekend and do what obviously comes next.

Live, Laugh, L'Oval Office

Happy about Mamdani's win and what it means for the country, but you know what I'm NOT gonna do? I'm not gonna wear a hat or fly a flag with his name on it, because I'm not a psychopath.

Bomb threats were sent to several polling places, but none of them were actually bombed. They want us to be scared, but all they have is rage and bluster.

If you’re still in line, STAY IN LINE

As I sit down to watch tonight's Jeopardy, I nearly yell out, "God damn it, Ken!"

Youth pastor sitting backwards in a chair: "Lemme tell you about the world's first influencer, a fella by the name of Jesus Christ."

It should be a good eleven months before any of us have to see the word "spooktacular" again.

The existence of a Lincoln bedroom and a Lincoln bathroom heavily suggests the existence of a Lincoln beyondroom

I wrote a book! It's out today. (It's not called "Hole", but it's hilarious that the preview cropped it that way.) www.amazon.com/dp/B0FPZNF837

"Mike Johnson refuses to convene the House..." Convene without him. Vote for a new speaker. You've done it before. Don't let that one little man stop you. JFC.

I respectfully* submit: If you manage to become a “disaffected democrat” based on a thing that happens 10 times on half a million student-athletes, you weren’t much of a democrat to begin with.

Let Sleeping Gods Lie is available today in eBook and paperback! Happy release day to me! www.amazon.com/Let-Sleeping...

My closing pitch to voters? “I will only live in this awful place if I rule over it”

As much as I love October, I'll be so happy when the campaign season is over, and the idiotic commercials full of scare tactics about the crime rate in New York are gone. I'm assuming the people pushing these lies are the worst kind of asshole, and I'd never vote for them even if I could.

i should be able to click a button at the beginning of a sports season that says “i’m normal” and i don’t get served any ads for crypto or gambling

I've got a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head, and the little Weird Al voice in there just sang it as "It's a good thing I like my eggs scrambled."

Not only is the cruelty the point, but the psychos behind Christian Nationalism want famine, plague, war, and death. They want to trigger the apocalypse so they can literally watch the people they hate go to hell. They're mentally unstable. They believe that story is real.

The only truly ethical response that a self-described artist can make. Anything else is a betrayal of one's colleagues.

"US Marshal shot during immigration enforcement in LA" * article explains he was shot by an ICE officer whose weapon discharged when he used it to smash a car window

Why aren't there recreational drugs for other pets? Why just cats?

treat yo self!!!

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