(Winston Churchill voice): BIRD BOX BARCELONA

UN-humble brag — the MINOR THREATS trade paperback has surpassed WATCHMEN. Please don’t hex us, Alan Moore!

Jaded Twitter user who rediscovers his love of posting on a smaller website, this is like a fucking Hallmark movie over here

We made the Top 10 at #SDCC this year! Can’t wait to see you guys tomorrow!

A group of Indiana Joneses is called a “pillage.”

#SDCC was very, very good.

Next three PATTON OSWALT & FRIENDS shows announced at The Largo! August 13th! September 17th! October 15th! August is almost SOLD OUT. See you there?

picard: initiate self-destruct sequence computer: enter password picard: P!caRd420

Ratatouille but it's that guy at Starbucks with the iguana on his shoulder and the iguana is making him write Rango fan fiction

31 years ago this extraordinary woman burned her career and life to the ground to speak out against a horrific, massive crime against children. And she was a hell of an artist. A blazing soul. RIP

Have you considered Blur's "Charmless Man" as your campaign song

This is the new that

(housing a bag of Doritos) Life’s weird I guess

I live in the hearts of mankind

There's always at least a 30% chance of finding out that your favorite science fun fact is something first discovered by Dr. Otto Von Racism during an attempt to make children more flammable.

Art credit: Pan Cooke (@TheFakePan on Instagram)

On my birthday this year Paul Reubens sent me — and he did this ALL day — GIFs of people getting hit in the face with cake. I miss you, Paul.

It's gotta be so demoralizing working for the New York Times. You spend days diligently re-reporting a week-old regionally published article you're pretending doesn't already exist only to open the op-ed section and see "Mongrel Sterilization Is in the Constitution" by Trevor M. Swastika.

[going through the desert] ME: what’s your name? HORSE: don’t have one ME: I’m gonna call you Clippy Cloppy HORSE: you will not

God I hate being “kind of sick.” I want one or the other — perfectly healthy, or bedridden and slowly going insane staring at the yellow wallpaper and imagining shapes moving behind it.

#RIPFriedkin

This is some brilliant cosplay

Saw OPENHEIMER today. Yes, one “P.” It was the Asylum Films version. Only 71 minutes long, terrible special effects. But Puck from The Real World was great as Harry S. Truman.

Yeah, I’m religious. I believe in the Holy Trinity.

Folks, I gasped 🤣

[just meeting a new group of people] My brain: say something cool and different Me: HOW YA'LL GOT?? Brain: nice

Oh my god the newest episode of HOW TO WITH JOHN WILSON takes one of the craziest left turns about halfway through (the personal trainer’s 9/11 story). Holy shit.

Here we go! Coming to you on tour this fall! Presale starts this Wednesday 10am at pattonoswalt.com. I will tell jokes and you will laugh and for once in our lives we will be happy. Let’s make it a reality.

The promo code for the Wednesday presale is PATTON.

(Klaus Meine, singing) 🎶Here I am/rock you like a hurri — (checks lyric sheet) — quake?

My friend in Malibu just sent me this pic he took from his back deck.

Birchmere, Tin Pan, and now ALL of my shows at Comedy On State in Madison, WI are gone gone gone! 40 Watt going FAST. Head to pattonoswalt.com for tix. See you there!

“I frew up”

Psuedo leftists always say that copyright is corporatist and they raise the spectre of Disney to scare uninformed people about it. OPPOSITION to copyright (the only tool by which artists can earn money) is corporatist. Big companies would love to take everyone’s work for free.

Nov/Dec/Jan Largo dates ANNOUNCED! Patton Oswalt & Friends takes you through the remaining shreds of 2023 and into the beckoning hellscape of 2024! Join us, won’t you? (Poster art by IG: @ayejayart)

But if this ever changin’ world in which we live in/ Makes you give in and cry Say

You get your money for nothin' and your

And more recent, @pattonoswalt.bsky.social's delve into the Criterion Closet. He snags a good haul and talks effusively about many varied films in a way I can dig 👍🏾 😍 youtu.be/fH2lRZJMmSA?...

Still obsessed with this paper maché face I saw at my daughter’s elementary school art show. I call it, “Not Buying Your Bullshit Frankenstein.”

Okay everyone. Early shows in Boston, Pittsburgh & Chicago are sold OUT. All other tickets going fast. Update later this week but go to pattonoswalt.com and grab what’s left! See you there!!!

MINOR THREATS: THE ALTERNATES 1! This week! from @darkhorsecomics.bsky.social ! Get a lil' look at issue 2 art by Chris Mitten & Ian Herring! @blumjordan.bsky.social @pattonoswalt.bsky.social Hideous & cruel furniture attacks!

This Sunday’s show at The Largo is a wing-dinger. Tickets are almost gone — grab some and I’ll see you there!!!

"ai is making it so everyone can make art" everyone can make art dumbass it came free with your fucking humanity

EFFERVESCENT Tour tickets are VANISHING. Did a sold-out show at The Birchmere last night; heading down to Richmond for 2 sold-out shows at The Tin Pan tonight. BOTH Pittsburgh shows GONE. Early shows in NYC, Boston, Philly & Chicago GONE. Grab what’s left!!!

“It’s your kids, Vern!”

this haunted french breakfast place is giving me the crepes