Even if you think AI is the future, why are we already putting it in everything already when it’s half finished?? I’m also wrong half the time and I know that I shouldn’t be propping up our entire economy.

Just ultimately decided I didn’t want to apply for a higher profile gig in children’s media because of the level of scrutiny leveled at LGBT people in those spaces and then remembered our straight president is a literal pedophile

Grandpa: Are you going to move back to New York if you get a job there? Me: probably Grandpa: Will your partner come? Me: We’re married, so yeah. Grandpa: Well I don’t know how it works with girls We love a king who’s trying his very best.

You can tell if slang will stick by if older generations adopt it. Cooked? Instant classic. Boomer grandpas are approaching icy sidewalks like “I’m so cooked.” Alternately, I don’t think ‘mogged’ has the juice. Its reach is fully maxing out at millennials clinging to our youth.

Got chipotle and the employe making my burrito really went off with the amount of the chicken, prompting her narc coworker to ask if I had ordered double chicken. Took all my self control not to reply “that is between us and god.”

Every CEO of an AI company right now

DraftKings Introduces In-Dream Betting https://theonion.com/draftkings-introduces-in-dream-betting/

There’s no way the job data is real right? - an unemployed person

“Four of my children just evaporated,” Badran said, holding back tears. “I looked for them a million times. Not a piece was left. Where did they go?” There are no words to adequately describe the evil here.

Online betting sites shouldn’t be able to advertise. You should have to learn about them through your unreliable uncle or your friend’s older brother who should really be hanging out with people his own age.

We can easily do the Olympics every year. Let’s just add in the spring and fall Olympics on the 1s and 3s. I want to win a bronze medal in corn maze. I want to take home the gold in allergies.

New Muppet Show yet again confirms the unassailability of the “puppets scrambling to put on a little show” format

I’m tired of having AI inserted into every facet of life. I was trying to write an email to my grandma and AI was like “oh I can finish that for you” and asked her for $10,000. It was supposed to be $20,000.

They’ll be hearing from his father

So the President posted a racist cartoon video. Get over it Libs. Oh also it was a mistake, by the way, and a staffer did it, not the President,

Clapping my flippers together and honking like a harbor seal when a Super Bowl ad for a condiment or gambling app featuring two celebrities unexpectedly reveals a third celebrity as its punchline. Bouncing a ball around on my snout. My wife has to throw me a herring to get me to calm down.

Chodeception

AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion https://theonion.com/ai-chatbot-that-only-responds-huh-valued-at-200-billion/

Hear me out

Don’t worry everyone, I have a plan to personally save journalism. I simply need to make a billion dollars and not be corrupted by my newfound wealth

All the women from Mad Men are so multi-layered, intelligent, and compelling to watch. Now imagine if they had credit cards.

Massive issue we’re facing right now is Chat GPT telling a bunch of crazy people “you’re not crazy”

Definitely seems like they destroyed the country on purpose.

Me about olives at the age of 33 after a lifetime of hating them

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, but unfortunately 20% of Americans think he’s a crisis actor and that groundhogs want to make your kids gay by prolonging winter.

“I’ve been reading books of old. The legends and the myths” sounds like something I would say if I panicked on a first date

It’s been 8 days and we still don’t know the names of the men who murdered Alex Pretti. DHS must be abolished. No ICE. No palantir surveillance police state. There’s no “fixing” a sociopathic agency designed to trample on our freedoms.

2026 is crazy we could do a “we didn’t start the fire” for every single day

The avengers movies should just be called “I’m here! Who are you? I’m me!”

Q-Anon wasn’t right. You don’t win Clue if you have the wrong murderer.

Rich pervert: Your lifestyle is so decadently outrageous that to simply imagine living it on a daily basis would render me a prisoner of envy Jeffrey Epstein: thaks I had fun

I’ve been going viral over on X a lot and I feel like I’m hanging out with this mf.

I can’t play The Sims because I refuse to help a simulation have a better life than me. Oh you’re hungry and you have to go to the bathroom? Same, bitch. Welcome to the real world.

America had the best grift going where we made entertainment, exported it to the entire world, and permeated their cultures. We gave it up for a dumber, deeply uncool nationalist grift nobody likes. We fumbled the bag so hard that movies will be made about it. In other countries.

Get rid of the president’s secret police force should not be this hard of an ask

I always get a little offended when AI tries to rewrite a post for me. Like I’m sorry do you think I’m fucking new here? I can’t do much, but good lord I can still post.

Today in standup crowds are totally normal right now: Me: what do you do for a living Guy: it’s complicated Me: I swear I will understand Guy: I run a small tech company Me: yeah I get that Guy: you could never!

“YoU’Re a FaT LeSbian. OpiNioN DiScArdeD.” Sir, your children don’t talk to you

*my father getting cable tv in the 1980s* RIP Monoculture

Body cams and ID so we can know who they are when they face no consequences. Everyone knows the name Jonathan Ross now. Still hasn’t been held accountable.

I started a subreddit (Reddit.com/r/samantharuddy) to post my jokes and I had a couple posts about ICE hit r/all and now my page is flooded with so many chuds that I’ve started entertaining myself by coming up with hyper specific ban reasons.

When I lived in NYC, there was another Samantha Ruddy who was a successful doctor. My broke comedian ass would get asked if I were her whenever I tried to rent an apartment and I would always say “if I need to be.” Well she got married and changed her name. End of an era.

I got laid off in December but I feel better about it now that Greg Bovino is also out of a job

Holding a beer, solemnly: I’m afraid I’m going sicko mode.

Trump is getting bad advice from the people who told you to vote for him? You don’t say.

Trump isn’t just a reality TV star. He’s also a reality TV producer. He’s not simply some Queens diva slurring insults and tossing wine at his enemies. He’s also manipulating the environment around him to provoke that reaction and storyboarding the exact moment when it happens.

Social media destroyed society because we can’t stop watching videos on our phones but now it might save society because people are documenting everything that’s happening with videos on our phones that nobody can resist watching because of the first part.

I’m sorry but the phrase “sweet treat” isn’t for adults. You’re 37 years old and drunkenly eating Oreos crushed into soft serve at 2 in the morning. This is not how God wanted you to treat yourself. It’s dessert.

Save Minnesota. Abolish ICE.