I’m a butch lesbian. My wife is a femme lesbian. Men always try to talk to her and it makes me so jealous. Talk to ME. She’s not even enjoying you, bro. She’s so bored by you. I love Jackass and Quentin Tarantino movies. Stop bothering her and let’s go to Buffalo Wild Wings.

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

The real value of social media is being able to post something like "The ass is the father of the legs" and potentially have multiple members of congress see it

Morning 😂.

These two things are completely unrelated, so don’t even think of trying to make a connection between them

sure gas is headed to $8/gallon but at least cornell got rid of their gender studies classes. or at least i think they did, i haven’t checked and if im being honest i wouldnt really know if they had or hadnt because it doesnt affect me but it makes $8/gallon gas all worth it

Mark Zuckerberg built a massive data center in Georgia just hundreds of yards from people’s homes. Now the water pressure is gone. Sinks don’t run. Toilets won’t refill. Homes shake nonstop. Power outages are routine.

Getting down to it

Why is the Kentucky Derby happening? Can we let the horses rest? You can bet on if it’s going to rain tomorrow. We do not need to bring horses into this anymore.

25% of young men are now active sports betters and I can’t help but think that if there was a societal problem that affected 25% of young women we would probably ignore that too.

Digital shoes for sale never worn

Girl, are you a data center? Because you’re loud as hell and a nuisance to the neighborhood.

WOIMSDAY THEY PAY ME IN WOIMS

john fetterman is in the same groupchats

“Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having a gong sound near one’s bed,” said lead author Dr. Sylvia Mott

*seeing my checking account get low* Uh…I’m pivoting to AI.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

White collar jobs in 2016: Free cold brew on tap! Conference rooms? Too old school! We’re yoga ball people. We have catered lunch on Wednesdays. If your benefits don’t cover something you need, tell us! White collar jobs in 2026: Use Chat GPT or we’ll hit you

another banner day for "if you didn't know sports were real, ESPN headlines would be crazy"

This is your daily reminder that Trump and Republicans are spending billions of your tax dollars on an unauthorized war in Iran and Stephen Miller’s ICE agenda while gutting Medicaid, slashing SNAP, and driving up your health care costs.

DOGE fired everyone in the government unless they promised to do insider trading.

You’re trying to fly to a work conference for a job you used to love, but now resent. You do the work of 3 people after the AI layoffs. The TSA agent installed by the last GOP president yells at you to take your shoes off. The ICE agent installed by this one thinks you’re reaching for a weapon.

if you're travelling and you are a documented citizen (esp if you're white/white-passing), you need to speak up & interrupt any racial profiling you witness. We are absolutely defeated if we allow ICE agents to harass people in the broad light of crowded airports. Don't be a good deputy citizen.

Anybody need a place to stay in Philly for the World Cup June 18-July 5? I am going away and need someone to watch my dog and water my garden in exchange for a World Cup crash pad. You scratch my dog’s back and I scratch yours.* *only people who aren’t insane apply please

When you charge your phone with an old school non-lightning USB, your battery should take longer to drain. Getting to 62 took patience. Foresight. I worked hard for those percentages. They should work hard for me, too.

Threads is pretty bleh, but on the positive side, every once in a while Spike Lee will show up in an artist's mentions and offer to buy their work, which is pretty cool

New show idea: Stoned jeopardy. You get two guesses and one “sounds like.” The other players can help in exchange for an even money split at the end. Adult animation is always a category. If you get a question wrong, Ken Jennings assures you he’s not mad at you.

“this just proves MJ would average 50 in today’s NBA!” my friend if you dropped Michael Jordan into the 2026 NBA his career would last exactly one day after he found out about FanDuel

When I set up my Apple wallet a long time ago I misspelled my name as Samandra and I thought it was so funny until today when I went to get a package and they said “you are not Samandra.” I know. Nobody is. That sounds like a reptile with long eyelashes.

I love that people from Massachusetts created the most generous, socialist health care system in all 50 states while also being the most aggressive drivers. They’re like “I want my neighbors to have the best care. They’re gonna need it if they don’t get out of the left lane.”

hollywood is totally out of new ideas. every year it's just movies, movies, movies

Right now living in America feels like being on a bus driven by a mad man and if you point out that we’re obviously barreling towards our doom, like 30% of the people on the bus start screaming at you. And they have guns.

They're going to write books about all the big brain moves of this gang of imbeciles and among them will be "Spending a year trying to kill renewable energy and then launching a war that sends oil prices soaring"

SHOULD THE U.S BLOT OUT THE SUN AND USHER IN AN AGE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS? - Gallup 2/20/26-3/5/26 NO - 41% YES - 38% UNSURE - 21%

These dipshits really renamed it the department of war and then started WW3 not even 6 months later

They’re replacing Kristi Noem with AI because now that can botch a mission and kill innocent people too

Crazy that the US is bombing schools but our gas prices going up will be the line in the sand for a lot of Americans. “Horrors beyond comprehension? That’s fine. Paying double to drunk drive my lifted truck around the suburbs of Indianapolis? I’m taking to the streets.”

A guy on LinkedIn said immigrants and AI are equal threats to the economy. I disagree. One of them lies, steals, and takes American jobs. The other is immigrants.

Love the likelihood of civil war infographic

I’m looking for copywriting work. All of my experience falls under consumer products, entertainment, and political messaging. Basically, if you need a professional comedy writer who’s performed on the tonight show to make your brand, TV show, or candidate look clever, @ me!

Episode 2 of my fake sitcom is so here

Some guy yelling at the price is right about Bari Weiss and CBS

They went to war with Iran (which nobody in America was asking for) so they could conjure an excuse to allow ICE to keep murdering Americans and teargassing schools here at home with impunity (which nobody in America was asking for).

You should be able to bounce someone from a city

The US and Israel have kind of a Hannah Montana thing going on where as soon as I saw that Israel was bombing Iran, I was like “ah so the US had to be there as well.”

I promise you that the government that murdered Alex Pretti and Renee Good does not give a flying fuck about the protests in Iran.