It’s like saying you’re punk

It would be a little funny if he sent a $600 check

BIG BOY TOUCHDOWN

Jalen Hurts is now the mayor of Philadelphia

New Substack! About Kimmel, Colbert, @kathleenmadigan.bsky.social, and the state of late night comedy open.substack.com/pub/thatsthe...

Commenting “damn you couldn’t get away with making this today because of woke!” on videos of Kimmel from last week

Basic empathy is counter culture, commercials are like “buy a Dodge Ram or you’re a gay communist,” criticizing the president can get you fired, and butt rock is getting a cultural reconsideration. Trump may not have gotten us back to the 1950s yet, but we’re definitely in 2003.

If you have an extra $10 a month to spare, here's a list of worker-owned cooperative news sites you might want to support: • 404 Media • Defector • The Flytrap • Flaming Hydra • The Appeal • Aftermath • Racket • Hell Gate • The 51st • The Colorado Sun • Range Media • Discourse Blog • Pop Heist

I worked in late night TV before it was cool and illegal

Man even if I didn’t already regret spending my twenties psychotically devoted to performing standup on late night TV, the last 3 months have really not helped.

Canceled Disney and Hulu until they stop being massive weenies

If this guy takes both of my late night credits I’m going to turn into the joker

Trump is clearing the field so he can start a late night show and get the Emmy next year

All it took was one reality TV star president to single handedly destroy late night TV.

Really tired of LGBT people existing being a hot political topic. Sorry this isn’t funny I’m just exhausted.

Them: AI is going to replace you AI:

Watching college football with my dad and saying “well good for them!” whenever either team scores he loves it

How we can de-radicalize young men #standup

He was making eyes at the camera trying to figure out when he was gonna drop that line the whole segment

My cat (Loki) always bullies my mom’s cat (Pearl) so we’ve been keeping them separated. I told him he is not to touch a hair on her head. But hate finds a way.

Gen X always talk about how watching the challenger blow up was traumatic. Younger millennials and gen Z have watched a Challenger explode practically every week since middle school and then there’s 100 guys in the comments like “I bet the pilot was a girl”

I love the moment where your iPhone is about to die but the screen hasn’t turned black yet. Just staring into the abyss of iOS while iOS stares back. Whatever your phone’s last gasp of breath was used on is laid out in front of you, but frozen in time.

I watched The Naked Gun with my parents last night and they hated it and I’ve been walking around repeating “man’s laughter” to myself all morning

I love the term digital native because it makes it sound like I’m a cyberpunk trailblazer instead of someone who saw a beheading video at a sleepover when I was 13

My mom wore a JFK shirt on her trip to the Vatican like she was trying to high score on Catholicism

Can usually tell how Trump is doing with republicans by if my dad is complaining about democrats when I see him or saying “they’re all crooks” and honey we are in firm “they’re all crooks” territory.

If you want to see what it looks like when a room full of people hates me (again), tune into last week's Have I Got News For You.

It’s truly depraved that when the pandemic slowed down we got rid of remote work but kept QR code restaurant menus.

It Only Tuesday https://theonion.com/it-only-tuesday-1819569397/

I’ve done standup on the Tonight Show and the Late Show, but I think this is my strongest set of my 12 years in comedy. Please watch and share if you like it. Please watch and don’t comment if you hate it. youtu.be/YcegrJ-l1b8

I respect that all these bands are getting back together for the paycheck. I hang out with people I hate for free.

every quote from a cabinet secretary now is like a trailer for the eventual house committee hearing

AI isn’t some magical genius in a box. It’s your friend who got too high and read all of Wikipedia and is now trying to interject facts they half remember at the appropriate intervals.

How the fuck are you guys falling in love with AI? I can’t get it to circle Pennsylvania on a map

Why are people afraid of clowns and not mimes? Mimes are basically stealth clowns. There could be a mime in your house right now and you wouldn't know until it's too late.

We're getting closer to a prototype

Got to see Rilo Kiley last night. My absolute favorite band with a plane-themed album that came out in 2001.

I put $500 on the trains running behind

This is my impression of every push notification: BREAKING: Trump is doing illegal thing BREAKING: court says Trump can’t do that Trump: “I’m gonna do it” Judge: “Knock it off” BREAKING: Trump says judges are stupid BREAKING: He’s forgotten about this and moved onto something else

If you ever feel like a bad person, remember that Gavin McInnes exists. He founded Vice AND the proud boys. One guy is responsible for creating an organization that caters to the absolute worst people in America. And don’t even get me started on the proud boys.

(meeting someone’s baby) oh he probably smells my baby

TOMORROW! Union Hall in Brooklyn at 10:00 pm! Comedians play terrible video games for your entertainment - live! Tickets and info below.

Being a lesbian during tracksuit fashion resurgence is rough. I want to look like Noel Gallagher from Oasis but I know I look like Sue Sylvester from Glee.

Heard somebody claim the 2010s didn’t have a defined aesthetic as if Carly Rae Jepson, bomber jackets, Xanax, manbuns, and deeply unprofitable startups never existed.

7 years ago I posted this very stupid joke that landed on the front page of Reddit and didn’t change my life at all

Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy https://theonion.com/five-or-six-dudes-jump-out-of-nowhere-and-just-start-wh-1819565638/

Purchase in the NEXT FIVE MINUTES to unlock the secret chord that pleased the lord (a $49.99 value) absolutely free!!

I’m so glad woke is dead. It was annoying having to be considerate of others and occasionally get yelled at online when I offended someone. I much prefer a post-woke society where private businesses get yelled at by government officials for changing a font and the military is stationed in US cities.

57 year old wine moms who love their gay sons, Homegoods, and Martha Stewart are about to turn on Snoop Dogg so hard. Without a doubt he has lost the Schitt’s Creek watching and P!nk listening crowd.

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!